/ck/ - Food & Cooking

I slipped when draining pasta and the whole pot of of water landed in my stomach and scalded me and broke my arm in the fall.

>>13520535
lol

I cut off a small part of my left ring finger while chopping spring onions a few months ago.Took a while to heal but it's fine now. Also lots and lots of burns.

>>13520521
>Grauniad writer is a spastic

Fits.

Accidentally cut a sliver of flesh off the side of my finger when cutting a onion in my hand drunk as fuck

Band aided it back together but now I don’t have much feeling on that part of the finger now

>>13520521
I shat myself at the five star reasturant I worked at and as soon as I did I screamed UH OH STINKY!

>Making something as innocuous as coffee, I once spilled a kettle of boiling water on to my hand, and woke up the next day with a giant blister that ran from my wrist to the tip of each finger. I had to get it re-dressed every day by the nurse at work. It was someone different each day, and they all said: “Have you always had a mole on that finger? Because, if not, a brown or black mark beneath a blister indicates gangrene.” And I’d say, “Hang on, let me check my mole inventory … no, wait I DON’T HAVE ONE OF THOSE, BECAUSE NOBODY DOES.” And they would always look at me, like “I don’t know why you’re shouting at me, love, you’re the one who spilled boiling water on herself.” And then they would say: “You’re lucky it wasn’t oil, or you’d have definitely lost this hand.” And the moral of this story is there is nothing more dangerous in the kitchen than boiling water, except boiling oil. After that, I didn’t deep-fry for about a decade.

Air flipped a crepe and it landed on my naked stomach and burnt me one.
Also once poured a pot of boiling water in the sink and the metal in the sink buckled and sprayed it back in my face.
If you get burns you'll want to get cold, but not ice cold, water on them right away. It makes a lot of difference for the healing and scarring.

Almost never, knock on wood, have knife accidents. When I do it's usually a knife I am not holding. I.e. it's on the table and I knock my hand into it or something.
I do sometimes take a chip off a nail when chopping I guess.

>>13520521
I burnt my hand with a bowl of hot water from the microwave onto which I proceeded to cook ramen.

I let a white "person" cook food for me.

>>13520611
This is the cooking equivalent of that whiny Jew who got PTSD from firing an AR-15

>>13520606
>UH OH STINKY!
based

Burnt half of my hand making 1$ ramen when I was 7

>>13520653
>recoil
The fuck? It has about as much recoil as a BB gun, lol!

>>13520535
impressive

>>13520653
yeesh he must have some sort of degenerative disorder to get bruised by an ar-15's recoil

I've cut myself chopping vegetables while drunk several times. I try to get all the prep out of the way before I start drinking now.
>>13520535
I would've paid you to see that
>>13520653
Please be fake

Im a master of forgetting the pan has been in the oven and grabbing the handle

I cut my fingertip once
It made me pass out in the bathroom. first time that has happened.
IF you cut your finger and you are angry and upset over it, then sit down. You could pass out due to the vagal nerve response.

>>13520653
>temporary ptsd
lol

>>13520667
I have shot air rifles that kicked more than an AR-15.

>>13520744
Not fake. The guy's name is Gersh Kuntzman, because of course it is, and he can easily be looked up.

>>13520751
I do that with the thermometer every fucking time.

>>13520762
More like vaginal nerve, you pussy. lmao
But you are actually entirely correct, yes. You don't have to be scared of blood to pass out. Getting annoyed with yourself can hilariously trigger it as well.

Anyone else sometimes shave a little off the flat side of the nails when bearclawing?

>>13520521
I was chopping up bell peppers and one of my co-workers called for me. As it was like 6am and I barely got any sleep, instead of keeping focus I reflexively turned towards the noise and ended up shaving off half my index finger's nail and the edge of my finger immediately after.

A second time was when I was preparing salad with one of those salad choppers (1"x1" blade grid press). As I was doing so, the hinge got stuck and wouldn't budge due to its old age and mistreatment from everyone causing slight warping. After oiling it up and testing it out a few times, the blade grid on the bottom popped out on one side so I went to go adjust it. As soon as I stuck my hand inside, the pin holding the arm of the press up slipped out and caused it to press two of my fingers into the blades. Unlike chopping off a piece of my finger, I had to get 15 stitches and was comped by my job for two months while I waited for it to heal enough to return to work.

>>13520521
a new guy was cooking caramel for the desserts, triped, and dumped the whole pot on my left arm and leg

>>13520611
Learn to greentext and lighten up, cunt

>>13520611
>this cooze is so dumb she literally has never looked at or remarked upon the features of her own hands
You know the old saying "I know ___ like the BACK OF MY HAND"?
It's because people generally know what the fuck their hands are supposed to look like.

Most painful was when I didn't have my fingers tucked enough and sheered off a good amount of thumbnail. Just enough to get through the nail and a little real skin, so no real damage, but fuck did that hurt for a long time.

if you are ever wondering how long someone has worked saute you can always look for the "mark of the beast" as i call it, a patch of scarred skin between the index finger and thumb on the back of the hand from hot oil or butter burns.

>>13520521
My apartment has weird lights in the kitchen that you can't really self-service or replace, it's the only lights in the place that are like that.

Long story short, months of trying to get them to fix the lights that would spark and flicker but not actually light up, I was trying to cut a watermelon in the dark, it slipped, I cut off the tip of my middle finger.

They fixed the light the next day after I told them about the accident, I assume they didn't want to be sued or something.

TL;DR cut off the tip of my finger cutting a watermelon in the dark like a dumbass.

>>13520521
>>Be me, young bright eyed cook
>>Come to work in nihongo restaurant desu
>>Smell burning
>>Open steamer to see cooking pork belly and water has all evaporated
>>Pour water in
>> Water mixes with fat drippings
>>Produce 6 foot flames that hit and burn the ceiling
>>Chef runs over, everyones screaming wtf
>>Sous chef dumps a box of salt on fire
>>Everyone stares at me like it was my fault
>>My face when i was just trying to help the pork belly

First time I ever tried to slice a block of cheese I cut my finger really bad.

Permanently stained my expensive, very nice white pants with turmeric on the same I bought them. This was yesterday and I'm pissed and yellow.

>>13520982
Why did they need to give her a prop chopsticks and bowl of food when get ethnicity is clearly visible

>>13520521
The place I worked for scheduled me for back-to-back closing and opening shifts, so I'm on 4 hours of sleep. I had to get a large pot of boiling water to make some tea, but spilled it on my leg. Got deep second-degree burns on my left foot, which left a scar.

I was paid more through worker's comp compared to the couple of months I worked there.

>>13520639
LELELELELEL I GET IT BECAUSE WYPIPO FOOD IS BLAND AMIRITE!!!??? XDDD HEHEHE LE WHITIE MAKE FOOD WITH NO FLAVOR LIKE TOAST SANDWICH OMG SO EPIC AND HILARIOUS HURRRRRR DURRRR WHITE PEEPS SEASON THEIR CHICKEN WITH WATER AND FIND ICE TOO SPICY TROLLOLOLOL EPIC MINORITY HUMOR BLACK PEEPO TWITTER SO LE FUNNY HEHEHEHE

why not use a dull blade to chop stuff that's what i do

I finished cleaning a mandoline and my hand slipped while picking it up, cutting my fingers. Nothing too serious.

>>13520535
I did a similar thing while working fast food. At Wendy's, old patties get boiled in water and reused as chili meat. I ended up spilling over a gallon of greasy boiling water over my right arm because some dumbass decided the best place for a microwave was 5 feet in the air. My manager made me finish the shift and by the time I got to a walgreens to buy burn cream and bandages I was in agony.

>>13521020
>My manager made me finish the shift and by the time I got to a walgreens to buy burn cream and bandages I was in agony.
Good job wagie, I'm sure your corporate overlord was able to go on his 4th vacation that year and buy new coasters for his 2nd yacht from all your hard work selling repurposed meat patties

>>13520991
Just stain the rest of it with tumeric and have yellow pants.

>>13520991
you deserve it for being a cocky cunt, fuck you and your dumb pants

when i was a kid, i accidentally chopped piece of skin to the bone from knuckle on my thumb, with a cheese slicer

>>13520521
not really a kitchen incident, but one night i was binge drinking, and one of my buddies had some valium with him, so we snorted some and smoked some weed. When i got back home i was so hungry i made a pizza in the oven. Took it out when it was done, placed it on the kitchen table and blacked out on top of the pizza, and had a nasty burn mark that looked exactly like pizza the day after

>>13520521
ex tried to catch a falling knife

I was using a full knife to chop vegetables and the knife slipped and I cut through the tendon of my thumb.

>>13521144
>Full
Dull*

>>13520521
i burned my testicles dipping them into a rude dyke customer's beverage.

>>13521020
Are you kidding me he made you finish your shift? Tf

>>13521149
Was it sweet, could you taste it?

>>13520616
>those finger nails

>>13521020
>At Wendy's, old patties get boiled in water and reused as chili meat
>>13521044

GUYS I GET THE MEYMEYS

>>13520617
>Air flipped a crepe and it landed on my naked stomach and burnt me one
Were you cooking lying down?

>>13520521
When I was a kid I was using a mandolin to slice cucumber for cucumber salad and almost sliced the tip of my finger off. That's probably the worst that I have experienced in the kitchen, luckily.

>>13520611
Go back plebbitor you are not welcome here

>>13521001
Ya seethe?
Ya boil?
Ya weep?

>>13521400
no wonder your finger, not using the right tool for the job

>>13520996
I like that she's not even holding the chopsticks proper.

>>13520521
Cut off top of my thumb, through the fingernail, when drunk.
Covered it with some rags and ductape and went to sleep. Woke up with my sheets messed up pretty badly.

I jammed a ticket spike underneath my thumbnail. Y'all need to be more careful.

>>13520521
Nothing too major but there have been close calls with fingers.

>>13520521
I worked at a pizza place for a while, one time I was running to the back to start laying out the dough and slipped on olive oil that was on the ground, did a Hanna-Barbera esque pratfall, cracked my head on the dough mixer and started seizing and convulsing on the ground in the puddle of oil (this was told to me afterward as I don't remember most of that day).

Tiny niks while prepping things but I have sliced my fingers open about 7 times while cleaning knives.

First time I stabbed a filet knife right into the side of my hand at the knuckle, could see the bone.

Always dumb shit from rushing.

>>13521337
>NOOOOOO YOU CAN'T LEAVE YOUR FINGERNAILS IN A NATURAL STATE OF GROWTH FOR A FEW MONTHS!! YOUR FINGER NAILERINOS MUST BE CHOPPED AND NEUTERED REGULARLY TO PREVENT QUEASY INDIVIDUALS LIKE ME FROM GETTING THE SICKIES! NOOOOOOO YOUR PRECIOUS HANDARINOS ARE SOILED BY THE EXTRA MILLIMETERS OF KERATIN I JUST CAN'T STAND IT I'M LITERALLY CRYING PLEASE SAVE ME FROM THIS HELLARINO ON EARTHARINO! WHAT THE FUCK I'M SHAKING I'M LITERALLINO TREMBLING!!!!!

cooking fries on the stovetop in an open lid cast iron kettle, put too much oil in and it boiled over getting oil over fucking everything, if i didn't have an electric stove I'd have legit caused a huge ass fire. Thankfully in this version of retard me I don't die engulfed in flames.

>>13522018
not kettle i mean pot.

>>13521786
I worked my way through uni at a pizza restaurant stoned on weed (the manager allowed us breaks to go out back and get fucked up when there was a lull) and I would have laughed my ass off if I had seen that. I would have called an ambulance at least.

>>13521020
>My manager made me finish the shift
The absolute state of slave mentality

>>13521969
post dirt under figernails

>>13522350
after you post your wife's children's report cards from school

>>13520521
I sliced off a bit of my thumb. Just enough that you could see the meat. It ended up heeling completely by itself, you can't tell at all.

>>13522319
Fuck off yuropoor, we're proud to sacrifice ourselves for our overlord! We're MIGAing, ok?

Got 2.
Nearly sliced thumb off when I was 15 cutting cauliflowers and I've went too hard on a mandoline and I've got a good slice into my palm.

>>13520521
I injure myself in my kitchen as often as I'm sober in my kitchen.

>>13522413
You realize even America has workplace health and safety laws right?

>>13522468
C'mon now, you can only stretch incredulity so much, ok? Really true, ok?

>>13521969
Just because somethings “natural“ doesn’t mean it should be left alone

Like a baby shitting itself you NEED to change it just because the baby did it naturally doesn’t mean you just leave it

>>13521020
thank you for your service

>>13522620
better just wipe the baby's ass when there's no shit in there, too, right? better continue to "groom" and "clean" and cut it even when it is functioning how nature intended it to function, right? better just cut the tip off, right, Chaim?

>>13522646
Nail break when you do heavy manual labor and are kept at a nice small size. But since I doubt you ever lifted anything heavier than fork in your life than doesn't happen to you society at least expects you to cut your nail instead of "letting nature run it's course", you filthy mongrel.

>>13520521
I burned my right arm twice and chopped off half of my left thumb's nail.

I nearly killed myself when i accidently slit my wrist with my super sharp knife when drying it off.

>>13522468
>you can't do that it's illegal!

I bought a shitty knife and almost immediately cut myself while cutting onions. I couldn't find bandaids so I wrapped my finger in a paper towel and walked to the convenience store.

>>13522673
Nice autobiography faggot. Btw nature ran its course on your mom last night and she loved it.

stabbed myself in the wrist cutting an apple when i was young
i still have the scar right between two prominent veins lul, i think i got lucky

>>13522700
got a cool pic tho

>>13520886
Sounds painful af

>>13522728
Yeah, it wasn't too bad a cut. The blood ended up staining that white cutting board a bit. Kinda cool, actually.

>>13520521
Last week, I was preheating an oven to put something in it, and there was an empty pan someone had left in there. I had a cold pan in my left hand and assumed the other pan was cold. I picked up this 400°F pan and threw it down about as fast as I picked it up. Nasty blister on my thumb, not much else. Blister has almost healed.

>>13520794

Yep, I kind of like the weird shiny textire you get on the shaved part. After the initial annoyance of the nick, makes me glad of the claw grip saving my finger tips.

>>13521001
>falling for bait

>>13522720

U mad bro?

>>13521020
>. I ended up spilling over a gallon of greasy boiling water over my right arm
I worked at a del taco before many of you were born. One day the mongoloid that usually is hidden in the back, outside of public view, spilled a few gallons of grease on the floor which was uncleanable. Queue everyone slippin and slidin all shift.
Couple of hours in I slipped and landed forearms down on the grill. Like in terminator 2 when arnie throws the biker on the skillet and he sizzles. I got to smell my own manmeat cooking.
Kept working until the agony got too bad and then asked to go home and was allowed to leave but got cut hours for missing my shift.

Still have scars.

>>13521969
Virgin detected

>>13520521
few weeks ago i was drinking with some kids
woke up with missing teeth
i drink even more since then

>>13523039
oh and my asshole hurt and white stuff was leaking out

>>13520521
cut my finger with a steak knife trying to open a jolly rancher when i was like 4

>>13522546
Based!

Nope, I'm not that retarded.
Woodworking on the other hand. I was filing down the edge of a piece of wood, then the file slipped and gashed my hand right open. Still have the scar.

>>13522365
jokes on you I dont have a wife

>>13520521
no because I actually pay attention while I'm cooking

>>13520521
Just small 3rd degree burns on my arms

>>13521028
Why would you make fun of someone for working a job?

>>13523009
roast beef licker detected

Not a kitchen accident, but one time while working in a factory, a forklift drove over my foot.
I got scared as fuck but luckily nothing broke. I was wearing safety shoes, so that's probably why.

>>13523549
I congratulated him on his good job, you must have thought I was being facetious.

forgot to inject some heroin before i started cooking
frying pan went out the window

>>13524113
>not cooking up a shot before you cook up dinner
rookie move

i sliced my thumb down to the bone filleting fish once. thats about the worst

>>13520521
i was circumcised

>>13520521
finger in the immersion blender
saw bone
looks fairly normal at this point tho

>>13524223
How the hell did you slice yourself from your thumb down to your penis?

>>13521144
oh shit, can you move the thumb normally after the surgery?

Chopped the tip off my left thumb, not far enough to expose bone but close. The knife was really sharp so it didn't initially hurt as much as it should have. Fucked up seeing the intact thumbtip left on the board, though. The skin grew back pale, lumpy and still feels weird due to nerve damage.

Could've been worse, the other guys in the restaurant gave themselves way worse knife-injuries in the time I was there.

Only very minor cuts. My drunk cooking will catch up to me eventually.

>>13522646
there's nothing wrong with circumcision

>>13520521
Once was mistaken powdered sugar with potato flour.
Got a few scars on my left index finger even though I know how to chop (just not when I'm drunk)

>>13521337
Maybe plays classical guitar.

>>13522673
That argument would work for a guy but the picture is clearly a women, who normally have longer nails than men.

>>13520521
I sliced my finger up with a mandoline making scalloped potatoes right after telling my girlfriend they're not as dangerous as people think.
Plenty of burns from frying fish every night at a camp. It was a pain but when we left guests to their own devices they always made a huge mess.
Had a glass explode in my hand and slice my palm from the center to the bit of skin between your thumb and pointer. Hot out of the dishwasher, cold ice, boom.

>>13520521
Late night, after shift, few drinks while doing shit, saw whet stone.. "might as well" I usually cut blade towards me, getting a solid paper shredding edge... get better grip on whetstone while not paying attention, thumb was above whetstone in danger zone. Sharp knife near cut thumb in half, alcohol so bleeding everywhere, boss laughs.. Clean cut so bandaid + more boose fixes problem. healed quickly from what I remember.

>>13520996
wife holds chopsticks like that, she was born in korea, says its how kids do it. its weird but she is deadly accurate with it.

>>13520996
shut the fuck up

I was doing that trick where you slice a piece of paper to show off a brand new knife and I lopped off a piece of flesh the width of a nickel going down to the bone off my left index finger. Took a fucking month to heal and 2 years later I still have a distinct scar.

>>13521028
>>13521275
>>13522319
To be fair, It didn't blister immediately and the manager probably just thought I was being a pussy. She apologized when I came in the next shift with bandages on my hand though.

>>13521386
I don't really see this as a bad thing, honestly. It's just rehydrating overcooked beef to be used in chili, where all the flavor lost from the cooking is going to be replenished by simmering in the liquid anyway.

>>13520521
Worst thing I've done was slice my thumb a bit opening a can. Not that bad, didn't need stitches.
I'm kinda clumsy/careless, so I get lots of minor cuts and scrapes but very rarely any major damage is done.

i once made a microwave burrito and while taking it out i burned my inner forearm. now i have tiny scar.

>>13520982
It was your fault.

I painted nail varnish remover on my glans once, it was really painful

>>13524353
no, guitar players use a pick

>>13525125
not sure if bait or retarded.

>>13520521
>cut pineapple with dull knife
all i got was a little booboo though, i just had to wear a finger condom and i was g2g

>>13521020
am*rica was a mistake

>>13523549
Not him but I'd make fun of him for being a retard and prioritizing a minimum wage job over his own health. Just take the hours lost and get yourself patched up, don't be a retard and stay just because the manager told you. You have a very important reason to go home early. No excuse.

I sliced my thumb opening a can of anchovies the other week.

>>13520521
meh, worst i had happen was getting half fried pancake dough on my pinkie as i was flipping the thing via pan motion as an 11 yo kid.
then again im 31 and never even broke any bones, guess im just not enough of an unlucky retard.
theeen again couple of years ago i broke a glass during a bender and later stepped on it barefoot. bled the fuck over the floor, asked neighbour to help me to the bath, washed it out and sprayed it all with liquid bandage. no hospital visit and no shards in wound.

>>13520521
Left some knives drying with the pointy end facing upwards because I'm an idiot. Stabbed my elbow with one while I was cooking, at a stage that required some constant attention. Spent a good minute with a knife hanging to my elbow before it finally fell down. Wife walked in on me still cooking, bleeding like a pig. Not that much damage though, it's more of a fun memory.

>>13521020
Do Americans not have health & safety in the workplace?

>>13520666

Did the same, but I was 22.

How the fuck do you guys cut yourselves with knives lol? Like do you just happen to forget that you're holding something that could potentially cripple you for life? Or are you guys going so fast and you're for some reason unable to slow down and you somehow lose control of your own hand and cut your fingers?

>>13520521
>Broken glass, boiling water, sausages.

sausages are the worst, my whole family was killed in a sausage related accident.

>>13520521
i have a few but the worst was
>dad leaves the pan handle handle sticking out slightly off the oven
>walk in the kitchen
>pan full of hot oil falls on my right arm
I was in the ER for half a day
one that was my fault
>making waffles
>turn on waffle maker
>open it up after a few minutes to check the heat
>put hand over it
>mom calls my name
>startles me so i try turn and slip
>hand directly into the bottom of the fully heated waffle iron
>fuck
and for the most retarded story it was my boss
>newly married lady wants to start being a better home maker
>decides to cut some avocado
>does it in her hand instead of on a table
>tries to cut through the pit
>knife directly into her hand
>literally looking like the fuking meme

>>13520653
Can't fugn believe I got a 24-hour ban for that. I wasn't /pol/ baiting or anything. I felt I was being on topic.

>>13521391
No. It was the first crepe in the batch and that one never comes out right. Stuck to the pan first time I tried so I gave it a real hard flip and it went towards me instead of straight up. I was a fool to attempt it. I know damned well the first one is always a fuckup.

>>13526388
>Can't fugn believe I got a 24-hour ban for that.
Mods and Jannies are hot pocket slurping faggots. No surprises there.

>>13520744
>I try to get all the prep out of the way before I start drinking now
Much wiser

Only knicking myself with a knife because I like to experiment in the kitchen when drunk.

>>13526324
>mom calls my name
>>startles me so i try turn and slip
Are you retarded? Who concentrates that fucking hard?

>>13520521
I'll just say this: never cook with hot oil while halfway drunk. I have had more burns than I can count. Almost got that shit in my eye the other night. Woke up with a blister right between my eyes.

>>13526591
You must be a simpleton to not be able to lose yourself in your thoughts

>>13527426
So do you just forget that other people exist? I'll never understand how people can get startled. My roommate is the same way as you guys, every time I walk out of the room and he's in the kitchen and I say ANYTHING, he fucking jumps.

>>13527288
This is why I got a small deep fryer. It's a foolproof way to make wings or mozzarella sticks while blasted drunk if you want to. It doesn't work for huge amounts of food, but using a pot for that is probably better anyway.

>>13527562
sounds like a good idea, but when i'm drunk I do stupid shit. With that amount of oil only disasters can happen.

>>13520611
fuck, boiling water is no joke, I can't believe you actually slept through the pain of it.

>>13522646
you need help
but we both know you'll never get any, so do us a favor and stay on /pol/

>>13528891
>le /pol/ bogeyman
Neck urself fucking idiot.

>>13528926
wew looks like I struck a nerve

>>13520521

Sliced my finger open a month ago while drunk cooking.

14 stitches.

>>13520521
I can't remember if this was while cooking or just in the kitchen, but one time I was bent over working on something and I failed to stand up fully before turning to focus on something else and concussed myself on a door frame.

>>13529052
oof, how'd that heal up?

>>13529084
everyone has done something similar at some point.

>>13529136

Looks fucking weird. Wish I had a pic or could take one right now. The scar tissue built up a bunch so now I have a skin lump that I'll need to have removed at some point.

>>13520521
my grandma cut the tip of he finger off, it was so sharp she didn't even notice until l she saw the onions where red. When it was healing you could see the tip of the bone

sliced my thumb knuckle open while throwing away a broken ceramic plate. split that thing WIDE open, shoulda gone to get it patched up but just glued it myself, had to keep it under a fucking finger condom for like months.

>be me
>15
>current gf has a crazy mom who is an alcoholic and really doesn't give a shit what we do
>leaves gf and her younger sister alone to go out and drink all the time
>one night she (the mom) leaves booze out
>the younger sister starts drinking it
>older sister and her start fighting over it
>instead of just locking it in the mom's room gf decides that the only way to keep the younger one from drinking is to drink it herself
>they start fighting over the booze
>after they both wrench it from each other and consume quite a lot, shit starts to get real violent
>punching
>clawing
>hair pulling
>all of a sudden gf grabs a chef's knife
>in order to keep her from actually stabbing her younger sister I do the "woah woah" hands up motion
>get stabbed directly through my hand
That sobered everyone up real quick.
I have a gnar scar but not too much nerve damage or anything.
It hurt so fucking bad though but I champed it out because I had to play referee still.
That whole family was fucking insane.

>>13529976
I've never had any sort of self inflicted/accidental kitchen wound before, though.

>>13520521
I was singing and dancing "hip to be square" and slit one of my wrist veins.

>>13530002
too bad you didn't bleed out

When slicing meat at a deli I worked at, got too close to the slicer and shaved off one of my fingerprints

>>13521337
They re long but they look really well cared for. Personally I dont know how people do this though, fingernails that long would drive me crazy.

No, I haven't.
Y'all niggas dumb.

>>13529976
What in the fuck lel

Got drunk and drove my kitchen through a red light

>>13523620
In a warehouse I once worked a forklift driver reversed directly into my coworkers ankle and it fucked him up. He held his composure though, and i never saw him again.

>>13520843
>phone call reflex
Was in the gym trying out a treadmill for the first time when I got a phone call from a colleague. I instinctively stopped running to fish the phone out of my pocket, and went flying clean half-way across the gym.

I had some weird mental fugue one time where I grabbed a ceramic dish out of the oven with my bare hand because I forgot to put on a mitt, and to make matters worse I just decided "fuck it, how bad could it be?" so I carried the damn thing slowly the counter and set it down and somehow wasn't even hassled by the pain.

Huge mistake, second degree burn over my entire palm and one massive blister, over the next few weeks I was hurting but refused to go to the doctor. Those were strange times.

>>13530300
underrated post right here

>>13523616

>>13520521
I caught my ring finger between a metal pan and walk-in door once when I worked at a kitchen in high school
Slimy kikes wouldn’t take me to the hospital next door and made my dad drive 20 minutes to come get me and take me there and then tried to get out of the hospital bill until my dad threatened to lawyer up

Was kind of silly considering I only needed a few stitches

>>13520940
epic reading comprehension

>>13520535
I feel bad for laughing as hard as I did at this

>>13526236
Yes, we even have unions, plebeian retail/fast-food workers can't afford such luxuries though.

>>13530300
Yeah, I’m thinking based

>>13529976
Did you need medical attention?

Fortunately, the worst I've done besides maybe burning myself every now and then with boiling water is just scarring my right thumb because I keep nicking it when I peel potatoes.

>>13529052
you get nerve damage?

>>13527438
>I'll never understand how people can get startled.
autism

>>13520521
Cutting the skin free off some pork belly and was tired. Took the front of my right middle finger knuckle off when I had the knife slip.

>>13521456
lol you autist

Mine's pretty humiliating, because it shows how stupid I was with gun safety at the time.
>be drunk and shooting with the boys
>don't know shit about guns
>have no business being around one
>have big pot of baked beans cooking in the shop
>take a break from shooting to stir thos beans
>place pistol in my armpit because I need both hands free
>pistol starts to slip
>grab it and shoot myself in inner bicep
>tie it up and soberest friend takes me to hospital
>everyone on staff laughs at my dumb ass

>>13521456
>no wonder your finger
You have to be really fucking careful not to make mistakes in a post that's just bitching about someone's spelling, anon.

>>13520521
My girlfriend likes it when I cum in her food during preparation and not telling her until afterwards. One time I lost track of which plate I did it on and ended up eating my own man juice.

>>13520521
I made some microwave Mac and cheese and after I was done I wanted another bowl, so I washed the bowl out with nice hot water and then put water in from my fridge, I didn't think it would be so bad but on the way to the microwave (only a few feet away) I heard an odd sound from the bowl and was going get it down, BAM the bowl exploded in my hand blood and water all over the floor and counter, I am still missing a little bit of my middle finger on my left hand right at the 2nd joint.

>>13533172

lmao what the fuck?

>nuking pic related
>those tiny burgers are fucking steamy beefpunk napalm
>reach in the microwave and it's a chain reaction of exploding grease bombs splattering my hand
I fear that food to this day

>>13520521
Cooking just after a shower. Pulled a hot tray out of the oven while squatting and it touched my inner thigh, ballsack, and tip of my dick. My urethra is slightly strictured at the end from scarring and I still have burn marks.

>be me
>cutting lemons but need a better knife
>friend pass a big ceramic knife: "be careful!"
>"nah, it'll be fin---- aaaah my thumb"
these motherfuckerq cut deep & clean

>>13522801
What'd your arms smell like cooking? I'm guessing burnt hair mostly?

>>13529976
still have her number? crazy chicks like that fuck better than anyone...thank god for shitty parents so I can bang their messed up daughters

>>13533317
This is exactly what someone who never has sex would post.
Crazy chicks are NOT worth it, retard. Stop living in a fantasy world.

>>13533292
First time I tried a ceramic knife I was pretty disappointed. It was no sharper than the steel ones I had at home. Maybe it was just a cheap model or something.

>>13529976
Women shouldn't be allowed to vote because of shit like that.

>stick my hand between two racks in the oven to feel something (a cake? don't remember) that was in the lower rack
>touch something very hot with the point of my finger
>pain reflex makes me punch the top rack with the back of my hand
>fuck

>>13522801
>then asked to go home and was allowed to leave but got cut hours for missing my shift.
What a shitty workplace, competent management would be shitting themselves over their hazardous workplace leading to your injury.

>>13527438

>>13520521
>making mexican pizza
>chorizo, queso, corn tortillas glued to pizza crust with pizza sauce, corn, salsa, and sour cream
>stuffed crust with american cheddar
>starts getting smoky in the house
>smoke alarm goes off
>mfw

>>13533074
Just realized I forgot pic

>>13533074
Based

>>13533317
I do, but we are both 23 now and I just don't have time for that.
>>13533341
This dude is fucking right. Stop being a virgin.

>>13533440
Stupid edit making a funny gif not very funny.

>If you're never drunk you could probably keep a leopard in your kitchen and get away with it.

I am never drunk. Where do I get my leopard? I can't believe I could have been getting away with it this entire time. So much wasted potential.

>>13533683
nah, funny edits make funny gif funny

I tried to leave my stick blender standing up inside the mixing cup and it fell over and spilled chili sauce all over my kitchen

>>13533707
This edit is funny. The other one was cringey garbage.

I pulled a pot of boiling water into myself when I was 2

>>13520535
I'm sorry bro, but I died laughing when you said you also broke your arm

Oh, when I was a kid just fucking around, I put like 2 gumballs in a frying pan and touched it with my finger and burnt the piss out of my finger.

>>13520611
I'd actually say boiling water hurts a lot more than oil and for way longer

>>13533707
wait I'm confused, how would diet coke and mentos produce a nuclear explosion?

>>13520598
same but I pulled the slice off and now I've got one slightly-less-round fingertip

Cut through the nail and tip of the finger when cutting an onion, drunk.

I fucking hate apartment ovens. Burned my arm a few weeks ago on the 400 degree oven trying to get something out. It's healed but I think there will be a permanent red spot

>>13533937
She used the wrong kind.

>>13520521
stabbed myself in the eye with a butter knife when I was 4 trying to open the cardboard on a pudding pack

>>13520521
>cut a bagel while my finger was in the hole. no feeling past the last knuckle anymore
>stabbed side of hand as a butcher
>sliced the skin off half a knuckle as a butcher
>somehow cut the shit out of fingertip while opening a can of tomato sauce
>forgot that I was eating leftovers in a styrofoam container, knife went right through container into finger, bisecting the tip

no lasting problems from anything beyond nerve damage though

>>13520521
I left the cabinet door open and banged my head really hard. That really sucked. I've probably cut and burned myself quite a few times but for some reason the cabinet door hits to my head is the most memorable.

i shit my pants while cooking for a cute girl at her house

>>13520521
1/2 One time I was having an affair with this woman from work and we met at a hotel for a weekend. I was completely broke from a bad weekend of gambling and all I had to eat were two tins of tuna that were really expired. I used mayo packets from the hotel restaurant and made the tuna but it smelled foul so I threw it in my room’s trash can.
Later that night, the girl accidentally broke her glass dildo when it rolled off the bathroom counter and also threw it in the trash. The hotel actually called the police on us because someone thought the loud crash was some sort of domestic abuse (she would moan like she was in agony when she’d come really loud). I had a huge amount of weed on me when the police came in, and this was 1992 in Texas so I was alarmed that the police came. The room stunk like weed, but we showed them the broken dildo and explained what happened and they were really nice about it.
However, my wife at the time was really good friends with one of the officers that came to the room, so my marriage basically ended before my eyes right there.
Anyway, after that terrible ordeal, sure enough she paged my beeper because that asshole cop called her right away and gave me up. I never even came that night, and my balls were like grapefruits. The woman with me got really freaked out about the whole thing and was super embarrassed that I was showing the glass dildo pieces to the cops, but I was so paranoid about the weed in the room that a little glass dildo (it was actually massive) hardly mattered to me. She left and I smoked about an eighth of weed and took a bunch of xanax.
Fastforward to about 6am and I wake up with no money, hungry as fuck, and blown out of my mind. The lady had left a bottle of jack in the room so I drank all of that and was pretty fucked up and hungry - and then I remembered the fucking tuna in the trash can. My condom was literally sitting on top of this pile of cat food puke tuna and I picked it off and ate the tuna

>>13534206
2/2 However, I didn’t realize that there were pieces of broken dildo glass in the can too, since I was so fucked up, and I bit into a shard and, I shit you not, poked a hole through my top lip with the glass. I screamed and the hotel security came again and I could barely talk because I was so drunk but I answered the door with my face bleeding all over the fucking place, and they called the real cops. They said I could either leave immediately or wait for the cops, so I left. I couldn’t find my shirt so I just busted into this fire door exit and ran away.
Three stitches later (thank god I had insurance with no copay) and I was back in my car with a million beeper messages from my wife. I went to my office and called the lady I was with and she was a bitch and wanted me to buy her another dildo. I said we didn’t need it, kind of passionately, but she said we did.

>>13533126
One day I few m wwhole family my cum. I hade eaten some olives from a small jar in my om the day before and then jerked off into the jar with the oil and herbs because there was nothing better at hand at short notice. Next day I came home straight from school and sat down atthe dinner table and ate the salat along with everyone else It seemd to me I knew the taste and when I asked my mom how she had prepared the dressing She told me "why, with the oil from the little jar in your room". I could barely keep it together.

Spinning a sponge inside of a glass while washing dishes. Glass shattered and sharp edge cut my pinky to the bone.

>>13520521
Years ago I dropped a kitchen knife on my left big toe and split it open. I had to go to the hospital to get it stitched up. I still have the scar and ridge on my toenail to show for it.

>>13534159
did you shout UH OH STINKY as is the custom?

>>13534226
So was this rock bottom or did you sink lower?

>work at jack in the box
>everything fucking sucks last two weeks
>ongoing promotion with thick burgers
>1 drop of grease lands on my wrist and I just wipe it off
>it blisters into a thumbs up
Ominous

>>13535097
That was my bottom, fren.

>>13520521
My worst was using a serrated knife to cut a dog's rawhide bone in half (lots of force). Just completely stupid idea. I use bolt cutters now. I lost a fair chunk of my thumb when the knife slipped out of the grooved I'd made. Luckily they white coats were still able to put it back together.

>>13520611
Who are you quoting,mr dubs?

What a bunch of fucking klutzes you are. We've got a guy who broke his arm draining pasta, a guy who burned himself with a crepe of all things, and one dude even managed to shoot himself.

>>13536308
welcome to /ck/

>>13523549
If he doesn't have savings or any plan B whatsoever to say "no" to his boss, he's part of the problem.
We used to have unions in this country because a quorum of workers were able to say, "Hey, we're willing to step out the door for three weeks unless you give us something"

>>13537183
Housing costs have gone through the roof since then and wages have been totally stagnant. It isn’t possible most of the time

>>13520565
I've never laughed so hard at "lol" before.

>>13520535
I remember this ad. Thanks for the years of nightmares, Canada!

>>13520521
The other night I blacked out while cooking. Sometime between starting the oven and eating. I was making mac n cheese and brisket and I left the brisket in the oven and just ate the mac. Then I went to sleep. This wouldn't be a problem but my smoke detector goes off for like, no fucking reason. So another night a while back when I was hammered it went off while I was cooking bacon and I smashed it out with a three foot pipe. I woke up and everything reeked of smoke, like the time I left the door open when there was a forest fire nearby. I always hear about people doing this but I never thought it would happen to me. I'm a pretty good drunk cook. Before now the only thing I have left overnight was when I forgot to turn the oven on and let a pizza sit in it overnight.

>>13537545
how was the brisket, though?

>>13537587
A little tough, but a rich smokey flavor.

>>13526281
most likely its dull knives

theres no reason to ever cut your fingers unless you are a retard or a line cook who has to chop a whole bunch of shit in a short period of time and you are high on coke

>>13533227
That's what you get for not just eating it out of the can.

>>13520991
why would you cook in your new white pants you retard

>>13520535
>Broken my arm in the fall
Lmao how heavy are you?

>>13520535
lmao gg

>>13520521
Sampled some fried chicken livers. Realized they were undercooked.

>"lol, hope I don't get salmonella!"

Oh no, me droogies. When you fuck up that bad you get campylobacteriosis! Salmonella is for little baby.

Oh fuck. Oh fuck... That was nearly two weeks of HELL.

>>13520521
In 2002 I came close to accidentally an-heroing.

I lived in motel style apartments with doors leading to outside. So what better way to live the life than put a grill right outside the door to just open door recieve meat. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

Got a little drowsy for some reason and took a nap. Woke up with a screaming headache and realized my steaks were all dried out and fucked. Now that I am older and wiser sure glad I even woke up. XD

>>13535606
Is your dog really tiny or are you just a cheapskate who doesn't want to give him a whole one?

>>13533971
Why apartment ovens specifically? Because there's less space in the kitchen? Pic related always really annoyed me.

I was really ill after emergency surgery after a car crash and caught bronchitis in the hospital when I was coming off the anesthesia. I was on an assload of pain meds and asked my sister to make me some ramen, the kind you make in the pot. I zoned out and realized something like half an hour had passed and started calling my sister to ask what was going on, and she didn't respond. There was also a weird burning smell. I got up which took 5 minutes and hobbled to the kitchen, and smoke was pouring out of the ramen pot, and I stupidly took the lid off.
My sister had fallen asleep watching TV and all the water boiled out of the pot, then the ramen congealed into a tiny black puck and when I took the lid off it shot a geyser of flames three feet high into my face and set my arm cast on fire and burnt all my facial hair and some of my regular hair. I was still doped up so I thought my face was on fire, turned the sink on, swept the pot into there, then started splashing water onto my face while steam was flying everywhere. I started screaming and I lost my balance, fell over, and lost consciousness.
My sister still didn't wake up through all of this.

I always forget that the cooking thermometer is the same temperature as the oven it just spent an hour in.
I had to get my fingerprints done when I renewed my passport and the scanner (they do it electronically rather than with ink now) kept saying it got a bad read because I permanently have two completely smooth lines across the meaty parts of the tips of my thumb and index finger from grabbing the thermometer the same goddamn way every fucking time.

>>13533979
Aww, you deserve this.

>>13539982
Yes. Fucked up my arm over a similar deal.

Oven doors love to spring closed again if not fully opened. Ooopsie!

>>13539982
Rawhide bones pose a risk of intestinal blockage to dogs and should be used sparingly in small portions. There's nothing wrong with cutting them in half. It's not the same as a milk bone.

>>13526236
Not really, no. Unless you come from wealthy parents that will fund you, you're fucked. The generation that has that is running out of time. 2030/40 gon' be FUN!

>>13532133
Unions will defend you unless the boss they need to attsck is their friend. In ahich case, you're fucked. Does not matter what job.
Life is ONLY about who you know.
To believe otherwise is foolish despair clinging to a shred of hope that you'll be in the 'cool kid club' one day.

>>13540246
I've never had any of my dogs swallow the things whole but I guess if yours does I can see the point in cutting it.
Or, you know, simply giving him something else to chew on.

>>13520521
Had a Date with a hot chick and prepared dinner. Start flirting and do not know what to say anymore after a few min. Awkward silence and suddenly spaghetti fell out of my pocket.

>>13526388
>obvious straight lines burned from a skillet
>fucking n00b slammed a pan into his gut

Why the story of a epic crepe flying through the air and burning you?
Other anon already called bullshit.
Like there is literally no reason to lie or make shit up so why make up fairy tales why do faggots do this? Is it mental illness?
The ACTUAL REAL story is better and funnier.

I fucking hate you pretendies

>>13540512
They don't have to swallow it whole, you dumb fuck. It's the material they're made out of. They can't break it down efficiently in their stomach.

>>13527438
>I can't understand that people become lost in complex thoughts and emotions

You're the kind of 85 that goes to a store, buys something, and then suddenly realizes that he cant take it home with him because it doesnt fit in his car then yells at anyone within 10 feet about it.

>>13533358
>men have never done anything stupid, ever, especially when they're young and drunk
no one should be allowed to vote

>>13540533
I didn't do a full fucking forensic reconstruction on the accident but I'd imagine the line is caused by a fold in the crepe, which was, as I said, fucked up. Why, as you said, would I lie about this when managing to burn myself that way with a skillet would be even funnier?

>>13540541
So how does cutting it in half help?
None of my dogs ever choked on it or had chunks of it in their droppings. They chew on it until is a white soggy nastiness and then eat it. It appears to break down fine. Again; if your dog is in the habit of swallowing it I think you should just get him a different type of snack.

During a 2007 visit to the Algonquin Hotel in New York, after a days-long bender, i passed out against a steam radiator and severely burned my back.

>>13542125
The way your post is written makes me think you're referencing something that I don't know, but oh man, I have so many horror stories about patients doing shit like that. More often it's benzos or opiates than alcohol, but it does happen with that as well.
We had a guy who lost one of his arms after he nodded out on Heroin and fell asleep on it. Cut off the blood supply, which would make someone sleeping normally just turn over, but he was too numb for that.

>>13540000
I'm so sorry about you're quadruple retardation anon

>>13539988
dubby-dubs of suffering
post your worst pic

>>13520751
I too have felt this pain.

>>13520611
LONDON

>>13537499
Thanks for reminding me that those PSAs existed. I didn't need to sleep tonight anyways.

>>13524337
Wrong.

stabbed myself in the pinky finger when making food at my place for a new years party, was pretty bad stab too ,pretty deep
thankfully one of my friends was a vet and could sew my finger up at my place instead of having to go anywhere
needless to say i did NOT get any pussy that night

>>13520521
One of my earliest memories is when my mom tried cooking beans in a pressure cooker with a malfunctioning valve and the pot exploded.

>>13544212
Your friend just happened to have a needle and some catgut in his pocket?

>>13520991
Never wear anything to the kitchen you don't want getting destroyed

>>13544241
no i need that in my first aid box at home, you plonker

>>13544250
I have never seen that in a normal 1st aid box. Good for you that you had it, though.

>>13520521
Ive had hot oil spilled on my fingers. Had to keep my hand in cold water. if the water wasnt cold even for 20 seconds it felt like my hand was being torched. I still have burnmarks. All thanks to the piece of shit pan with outwards rounded edges and a lil bit of rush.

>>13535557
Gud

>>13520611
learn how to greentext you dumbass

>>13520611
That's not how you greentext.

>>13520886
AHHHHH

>>13520991
>Cooking in white pants
I hope you learnt your lesson

>>13522801
The whole kitchen would have to be shut down for at least ten minutes for the pressurized hose to force all of that trash out of the building, and then another ten minutes for absorbants to deal with the rest. That is the bare minimum for a situation so retarded and dangerous, and everyone in that kitchen including you was a fucking moron for tolerating it.

>>13520535
>>13521020
I fucking hate burn injuries with a passion. They hurt way more than they should, and it llasts for fucking forever

>>13520991
I don't anything white, for that reason. I'm a spastic and always spill coffee on myself.
I work work in a hospital, so my uniform usually looks like shit. Luckily most of my customers are dead, so fuck it

>>13545595
>>13545586
>>13520916
Is this some next level trolling or are you all retard?

One time my wife (who is a squirter) was masturbating in the kitchen while I was gone. I drive home from work and as I’m walking up the stairs to the apartment, I hear loud moaning coming from the apartment, so, thinking I’m being cheated on, I slowly put my key in the lock so no one can hear me open the door, and blast the door open with my shoulder and sprint inside.
As I’m running in, I scare the shit out of my wife who just came, who throws the vibrator she was using at my face without realizing it was me. I then slipped on the pussyjuice on the floor, falling backwards. As I fell, I reached out to stabilize myself and grabbed a dishrag under the dishes she was drying. The back of my head smacks the linoleum, and then a 12” cast iron skillet hits me in the forehead.

>>13547341
"The Aristocrats"

>>13535109
at least is amusing .

>>13546411
if it's a minor-enough burn, treat it by holding it under room-temp/slightly cool water, or hold something cool against it. You can also just place your burn on your tongue (keep it wet).

After 2-4 minutes of this, carefully pat-dry, then apply some antiseptic ointment (NOT alcohol!) or just some moisturizer to the region, gently stroking until your skin absorbs most of it. If you can't feel the ointment anymore, apply more until your skin no longer absorbs all of it.

Avoid rubbing or bumping the burn. A band-aid or a patch of gauze and some medical tape will do you good.

>>13547432

every once in a while ill cut myself while drunk cooking when im dicing onions or something

as far as these retards leaving food cooking, yea ive done that. ab 25 years ago i left foot long hotdogs cooking on the grill when me and my cousin went ding dong ditching and i came back and they were basically coal dogs. i also used to boil those stupid essential oils like lavender with water to relax and i did that once after drinking a bunch of Robitussin and i fell asleep and the oil caught fire when the water boiled away and i woke up from the smoke alarms.

i also gave myself second degree burns grabbing a smoking hot cast iron pan out of the oven with a damp rag instead of an oven mitt. the water instantly turned to steam and you know the rest

one of the worst ideas i ever had was using a pressure cooker to try to make a red sauce quicker instead of the hours it takes simmering and burnt the fuck out of everything on the bottom

when i was a young lad in the mid 90s i also took hot pans with oil on them and put them in the sink and sprayed water on them, warping the pans and spraying hot oil all over the kitchen and more importantly the bronze blinds my mom made me clean piece by piece