/ck/ - Food & Cooking

chicken feet in pressure cooker, left unattended

>>13254215
Why they turned metal?

>>13254215
T-800 fingers

>>13254215
that's actually cook looking

>>13254199
Fried chicken with breading.
I just can't.

>>13254226
Carbon

>>13254215

Adding peanut oil to a chili and almost killing my cousin

>>13254199
I cannot make cacio e pepe, I am incapable of mixing the sauce with the noodles and not clumping it.

>>13254215
Great recreation of Pompeii

>>13254199
Mistook MSG for salt once.

>>13254446
That's not really fucking up dish, more like fucking up your cousin

Tried to make Chinese dumplings once. Words cannot adequately describe the burnt, uncooked, disintegrating dough.

>>13254199
I made a stir fry years ago where I thought fish sauce was interchangeable with oyster sauce. Turns out that fish sauce is about 1000 times saltier than oyster sauce. It was pretty awful.

Made a calzome exactly like kay's
>>13254689
Me too

>>13254695
Its always wise to read what the actual ingrdients of sauces like that. Even if you think you know but youre buying a different brand.

boss threw a 4kg tuna loin in front of me and said make tartare, so I did, with the whole thing, apparently retard didn't think to say "only make like 500 grams worth" and almost got booted from my apprenticeship

I added an extra stick of butter to some appetizers that I was bringing to a party. Everyone said they were good but way the fuck too greasy. ;_;

>>13255295
Pretty obviously his fault.

>>13254689
Peter Parker 's famous dumplings.

>>13254199

Used cocaine instead of sugar in a cake recipe. Forgot the coke was in the sugar jar.

Fuck man, everybody had a good time (it was a birthday party) but I think I fucked my cousin on the dryer in the laundry room.

I was hammered at a party at some loser's house (his parents were out of town) and decided to make two dozen hard boiled eggs because the people there were hungry. Filled up two pots with water and turned the range on high before popping out for a quick toke. Unfortunately I left his mom's hand-painted range covers on underneath the pots and the burning paint filled the entire house with smoke and set off the alarm. I felt pretty bad about it but thankfully the host was passed out drunk and didn't wake up so I shut the stove off and we left

When I tried doing a simple chocolate pound cake and the oven exploded. I still don't know what I did wrong.

>>13256165
Broooooo no wayyyyy duuuuuude XDDDD like woooaaaaah Brooook hahaha upvoted

>>13256237
This is why my friends friends aren't allowed at my house.

>>13254199
tried to make a gravy from the drippings of my slow cooked bbq short ribs. texture was sludgy and tasted like sweet brown broth

>>13254199

Alright anons, gather 'round for the story of the Beef Horchata.

>I've always been what you'd call an "experimentalist"
>Read: never touch a fucking cookbook, throw shit together like a kid making "potions" with soap
>1 time out of 100 I make something revolutionary
>The rest...

>Many moons ago, I bought a skillet steak
>Feeling in a primal, rustic mood
>Decide I'm gonna make the "lumberjack special"
>Start making a marinade based around a "forestry" theme
>Read: anything my dumb ass thought "reminded me of a forest"
>Start with maple syrup. After all, maple cured bacon is a thing, right?
>Add apple cider vinegar
>Add bay leaves
>Add juniper berries
>Add cloves, cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice
>Add coffee grinds
>To get all those "woody" tastes, of course
>Add brown sugar for that caramelly umami
>Aunt Jemima would be proud
>Add ABSOLUTELY NO garlic, liquid smoke, or any normalfag ingredients
>Add salt and pepper to taste
>Submerge 1/2 inch thick skillet steak in marinade
>Leave it for 16 hours
>Preheat the oven to 250 F, I'm gonna slow cook it
>Gotta keep it tender after all
>Put soggy skillet steak in a baking pan
>Dump entire marinade on top, to keep it soaking while it cooks
>Bake it for 3 hours
>Take it out of the oven
>...

>>13254199
The one I remember the clearest was that one time I added salt instead of sugar to a pot of cocoa when I was 11 years old. I've had worse fuckups, but that one I'll never forget

>>13256974
did you eat it all
>>13256983
>11
doesn't count, sorry.

>>13256974
Any pics of the result, anon?

>>13254536
sounds like it would actually make it better

>>13254528
don't make fun of that
a lot of people died

>>13256996
azn household, was pretty much already cooking full meals by then. Mixing up salt and sugar that one time was just something I'll never forget, even though I've fucked up ALMOST EVERY SINGLE ATTEMPT at the honeycomb cake(only succeeded once, partially)

>>13254215
Cool "fossils" for the kids to find
Too bad it probably destroys a pressure cooker

>>13256974

>The first thing I notice is the texture
>This meat has been turned to jelly
>It is completely rubbery and smooth, not a hint of browning anywhere to be seen
>The spice mixture I dumped on top didn't go anywhere, so there's this soggy brown mound of flavorless sand on top of the meat
>Brush that aside
>Take a bite
>My taste buds are immediately assaulted with so much sugar that each and every one of my taste buds developed diabetes
>It's like a gay rainbow unicorn blew a load of frosting right into my mouth
>Expect a call from Coke any second on how to cram such toxic levels of sweetness into a single food
>As I come to my senses, I process the taste in detail
>It's all syrup and cinnamon, with the faintest whiff of "sweet and sour" tang from the vinegar
>I think I have an iron stomach from my previous "experiments"
>I am physically reeling
>I can't even choke the first bite down, I have to spit it out
>Realize that somewhere I made a mistake
>Desperately try to save any edible meat that I can
>Scrape off all the burnt dust
>Wring the meat out like a sponge
>It's too late
>The glucose has been woven into its very soul
>End up having to throw the entire thing out
>Soak the pan and bowl in bleach to improve the taste and cleanse my sins

>>13257000
I had some on my old phone but it broke, sorry.

>>13257037
>>Wring the meat out like a sponge
>>It's too late
Haha

>>13257021
[spoiler] fuck, forgot about the formatting

>>13257021
[spoiler]fuck

>>13257061
>>13257069
Your formatting was correct, nongus. /ck/ is just a spoiler-free board.

>>13254199
I used a store bought teriyaki sauce to make teriyaki chicken. Using the amount stated on the bottle (which was just enough to coat the chicken with a little left over to reduce into the sauce) it ended up unbelievably salty. Completely inedible.

I'll like to make my own, but I need to track down some mirin for that. If it doesn't go well I'll substitute in a low salt soy sauce.

>>13257037
I liked your story. Tell us more about your experiments

not mine: burning eggs. that were in a pot of water.

>>13254215
fell asleep
>>13254226
they look that way because they carbonized under high heat and pressure, absence of O2

>>13257031
I called the fire depot because the pressure cooker was glowing and bulging; some old guy and his crew show up and nonchalantly pick it up and take it to the backyard where they use my hose to cool it off, he opened it no problem, took one look at what was inside, and gave me a “wtf anon” look; showed his buddies who all got a super serious look like they were about to call the cops before I explained it; don’t think they truly believed me because I’m a white male, not an asian grandma

>>13254215

>>13254215
the element melted, after the temp control failed on the electric burner; it had been set to Low but ramped up to “surface of the sun” while I stepped out to grab a six pack; ended up redoing the entire kitchen because of the acrid smoke smell and fucked up burner

>>13254215
fucking fire dept telling my neighbors how much of an idiot they think i am

>>13257013
>a lot of people died
how? it's small pressure cooker
btw chicken aren't people

>>13258550
the big lesson here for me was I can totally trust pressure cooker NOT to explode...that fucker held together like a champ

>>13254528
too soon

>>13256165
Pathetic.

>>13257010
Salt to MSG ratio is like max 3 to 1 if you want strong MSG effect. Usually I use much less than that. 3 times more MSG than "maximum" is way too much, believe me.

>>13258577
It had a relief valve, presumably

I made Velveeta but forgot to stir in the cheese sauce, so I just had the shells.

>>13258577
>I can totally trust pressure cooker NOT to explode
Pressure cookers are frequently used by terrorists to make bombs.

>>13258747
but not because they’re pressure cookers being used as pressure cookers; they are a hard metal with a easily sealed cap, add explosive charge, fill with shrapnel; using them as intended wont make the
them explode no matter how hard you try, see OP

>>13254199
No idea how, but when I was making a pasta casserole the cheese formed an air tight seal, creating pressure in the dish until the cheese exploded so hard it made a crack in the oven door's glass in addition to painting the insides of the oven various shades of brown and yellow.

>>13254215
>when you accidentally consolidate 40 million years of fossilization into 10 hours

>>13254215
A work of art

>>13254314
What part are you messing up? I've never had an issue with that.

>>13254199
Undercooked shrimp, the rest was mint.

>>13254474
Do you keep the burner on med-low and add pasta water? The cheese needs some heat and moisture to melt. I've never had cheese clump in carbonara probably because the egg keeps it moist, but it still needs the pasta water to not be overly thick.

I fucked up coq au vin by not cooking it enough. It tasted like human rectum.

>>13260748
how is this shit legal ?

>>13254199
>make bolognese sauce for a girl
>she says she likes spicy food
>i add some red pepper flakes to make it a little hot
>add way too fucking many because i'm stoned
>it's like indian food hot
>she likes it and wants me to make it again later

>>13254215
Why are you pressure cooking chicken feet? They're not tough, and do not take a long time to cook.

>>13260748
*braf*

>>13256165
Based and true

I was trying to do an el dente like I learned on reddit :/

>>13254199
The first time I made crepes I basically ended up with about 2 lbs of scrambled half cooked dough.
I spent an afternoon burning though an entire loaf of bread and a block of cheese until I ended up with one edible grilled cheese the first time I cooked for myself.

Tried to make asian meatballs and pho once. Worst cooking experience of my life. It was my first time using ground turkey (it was on sale and we had it in the house). Didn't realize that you needed to dump an equal weight of spices to ground turkey into the mix because that shit tasest like nothing. Anyway with the pho I left the noodles in the broth too long before serving and they turned into mush.

Also one time I didn't know you needed to let fresh mussels sit in water so they filter out the sand. Went to a lot of effort to make a beautiful broth and serve mussels with linguine. Huge fucking crunch. Awful.

>>13254199
I often get too drunk and forget things in the oven. I've made a pizza into a big black cookie thing. I once left a hot pocket in the toaster and surprisingly it only turned darker brown but when I broke it open the insides were completely black.

>>13258562
Wait, what? What am I looking at? How did this cause you to remodel your entire kitchen?

>>13258747
they weld them shut for that

>>13261081
you're supposed to break the pasta

>>13261774
Oof for the mussels. It depends on where you buy them. I've bought perfectly clean live mussels before, so I guess you should just ask the supplier.

>>13260748
because my favorite sashimi is shrimp, I find it impossible to undercook shrimp. It's actually the 'undercooked' flavor that I love the most.

>>13261805
it was a shitty asian-style supermarket in Northern Virginia. It was actually my first time cooking with mussles so I didn't know about 'Always try to get PEI' rules etc etc...

>>13254199
toasting in epic bread

>>13261805
>>13261810

best way to tell if you got clean mussels is if they give you the bag open and tell you not to spill it when you leave. you should only ever buy fresh LIVE mussels that need to breathe and will die in a bag on the way home. frozen are fine as well but never thawed. when mussels die, they open.. look for closed ones

>>13261824
Don't they come live in a mesh bag with no water? Where are you guys buying these mussels? And clams and other stuff for that matter.

>>13261834
mesh bag, yes.. usually like a nylon looking fiber woven together. we put them into our own bags when we sell them but people are oblivious and would have mussels all over their cars if you didn't tell them

>>13261817
not an epic thread you juvenile faggot

>>13258481

Thanks. Well, let's see. I don't have any fuckups as cataclysmal as the beef horchata, but I do have others. For instance, the time I tried to make mayonnaise.

>Look up homemade mayonnaise on the internet
>Everyone says it's piss easy
>Even a toddler couldn't fuck it up
>Ok
>Immediately see conflicting reports on whether to add the whole egg or just the yolk or just the white
>Decide to add just the yolks
>Put yolks in blender
>So far so good
>Apparently "it's just eggs and oil"
>Start blender
>Add oil ONE DROP AT A TIME since everyone cooms over how slowly you have to add it
>Nothing happens, I'm just looking at egg yolks
>Doesn't firm up at all
>The mixture is turning yellow
>Why the fuck is my mayonnaise yellow, mayonnaise is supposed to be white
>Turn up the blender
>Still nothing
>Turn it up some more
>The entire blender is shaking
>My house is shaking
>Literally have to hold this thing so that it doesn't rattle off the table
>Death stare at the egg yolks while doing this for 20 minutes
>Still nothing
>See people "cheat" by adding mustard
>Try it, doesn't work. Mayo is even more yellow
>It's like looking at a hollandaise at this point
>Start adding other ingredients in the hopes of curdling it or something
>Add lemon juice
>Add sugar
>Yellow egg cum splattering all over my kitchen as I face this demon
>Add more oil
>Add an entire bottle of olive oil
>Go full "just a touch of olive oil"
>Still nothing
>Finally give up and taste my mixture before throwing it out
>It tastes like sucking on a creamy, oily lemon

Not as exciting, I know. I can post some examples of my big discoveries too, if you like.

>Peanut butter in coffee
>Basil in tea
>The ultimate quickie pork seasoning: mustard, turmeric, paprika

Mostly I just fuck around with spices. I can't do technique for shit.
>Saffron black tea ice cream

>>13254199
One time I accidentally broiled a papa murphys pizza, and when I opened the oven to check on it it was dome-shaped. I ended up taking it out, letting it deflate, and frying the bottom. It turned out ok.

>>13254199
I once mistook powdered sugar for bisquick when I was trying to make cheddar sausage balls. Shit turned out fucking terrible.

just last week i didnt clean my cutting board over the course of two days and got food poisoning, fuck never again

>>13254536
being retarded in high school, bought my buddy a shaker of msg one time for a gift. it said "flavor enhancer", so we thought it amplified the flavor of whatever we put it on. so we put it on a chocolate bar and a peanut butter jelly sandwich. was sorely disappointed.

the very first thing i ever tried to cook was fresh bread from scratch because being a retard i assumed low level in the supply chain would be simple and easy entire kitchen became caked in a flour water resin which became rock hard, actual bread was stone hard flat cracker burnt uniformly through, ended up throwing away every tool i used to avoid the god awful cleanuo, i didnt try cooking again for six months

>>13261801
but that makes it cook/burn unevenly. the problem here is obviously that one side of my pasta is too hot. should I use more water? less heat?
this was yesterday so i'm like STILL in the learning process here.

>>13262262
>basil in tea
wat sort of tea? honestly this sounds interesting. i assume you filter the basil out?

>>13262303
boil the water, add pasta, turn heat down to simmer, wait.

>>13262317
i'll try that next time. not sure how it fired.

a repost, but I once decided to try a pea and ham soup because its my mothers favourite. This came at an early time in my learning and having studied physics and chemistry had wrongfully assumed that food relied on a few basic principles. I decided to get creative; things taste like things, for examples sake a veteran would know to get something less soggy you can just add a bit of raw flour to the mix, but I didnt have flour or know of that technique at least -- so boilin a bit of shaved orange peel would be decent, right?
Taking one spoonful, it tastes perfect for about one second - until that pea protein bitterness extended out into fully fledged orange peel bitterness, with a finish which must have been the higher notes of coleslaw. I forget the rest of it but given it was one of my very first creations I got everyone to have a try; I regret this sorely because everyone who did try it uses this as an excuse to NEVER eat anything I have made EVER.

>want to make dry-ice icecream
>mix up the batch
>make it mint chocolate chip
>think it would be funny if it was "watermelon" and dye it red
>mixing it up and smash up the dry ice
>threw all the dry ice into the blow at once
>shit nearly explodes, sending red cream everywhere
>it just starts pouring out of the bowl rapidly
>was doing this in the dining room and rush to the kitchen with a trail of red cream behind me
>what ice cream i do have is nearly bonded to the bowl and the spoon that fell in

Ice cream was still good at least.

>>13257013
at least one of em while jerking it too. pretty based way to go desu

>>13261801
>break the pasta
no

>>13254695
My dumbass brother thought that fish sauce meant "sauce for fish" and used it on some Gorton's shit.

>>13262312

Black tea is what I drink mostly. Just dunk in a couple fresh basil leaves and swirl them around for a couple minutes, in addition to anything else you'd do to your tea. Best of luck.

>>13262303
you heat it from the bottom not the top

>>13257013
those two statements are related how?

>>13254199
tried to make a roux
ended up tasting like bitter gritty black coffee

Couple stories:

Friend's dad would make scrambled eggs with white sugar in it, as that's "how he always thought they were done". He would then pour the mixture into a pan and wait for them to solidify completely before cutting the sugar-egg disk up into smaller chunks with a spatula before serving.

My old man also goofed one day by substituting regular milk for chocolate milk when making mac and cheese, thinking the chocolate wouldnt affect the end result too badly. This was incorrect.

Was making Angel Food Cake and didn't whisk the egg whites enough (I was whisking by hand) and the cake collapsed. Ended up with a 1200 calorie biscuit.

>>13256165
this is like a dad tier fake story

>>13258540
>the pressure cooker was glowing and bulging

>>13254199
I didn't put enough water in while microwaving rice. Permanently stained my microwave and this has been lying around in my backyard for a year and a month.

>>13254215
>cooking chicken into gravelord nito
god bless this board

>>13254215
Did you still eat it?

>>13260748
Is that a spaghettio pizza?

>>13261790
Your toaster doesn't automatically turn itself off and pop the bread up when the timer runs out?

>>13256237
desu he deserved it but also you're an idiot

>>13263305
kek why havent you cleaned it

>>13264177
At first it was impossible. Now I'm just lazy.

>>13254215
art.

>making spaghetti carbonara from a recipe
>halve the recipe since there's only two of us
>forget to halve the cheese
>undercook the noodles, overcook the sauce
>crunchy, salty scrambled egg noodles

Chicken gizzards without boiling them, I didn't really know how to do it so I just tossed them on a pan. I had a big ol pile of fried rubber.

>>13261008
lol

>>13261792
Looks like a melted element that's pooled into one solid blob.

>>13261418 retar

>>13254215
That's amazing. Maybe you fucked up but you also created something that speaks to my emotions of aesthetics

>>13254215
Can I use this picture for profit making purposes?

>>13262336
Had a nice chuckle. Thanks.

>>13256974
I feel like this could have been done well. You needed way less of everything, probably.

Didn't even get to the cooking part but

>buy a coconut
>not sure how to open it
>internet tells me that I can place a knife on the seam of the coconut and hit it with a hammer gently
>internet doesn't tell me not to use a ceramic knife
>I hit it with more force than intended
>knife shatters and explodes all over the kitchen
>spend the next 30 minutes picking up tiny bits of ceramic

>>13264945
>doesn’t know not to hit ceramic with a hammer

Lmao retard

>>13257021
That looks beautiful.

>>13262262
Yeah you’re retarded
Why are you even choosing to live on this level of retardation when you know the internet exists?

>>13262330
>justifies experimenting with cooking by having basic knowledge of chemistry and physics
>proceeds to do something completely fucking stupid with no reasoning whatsoever

How’s the drive thru bud?

>>13262336
10/10>>13262382

>>13264945
>hits ceramic with hammer
>doesn’t use a broom to clean it up
Jesus fuck anon, work smarter not harder

I blew up a cow heart in the oven

>>13265066
How was the cleanup

>>13263858
no it's a toaster oven and the timer part is broken so I just set the temp and leave it

>>13254199
Attempted to cook rice using a pot and a glass lid. Had no idea of when to take it off. Ended up staring at the thing until is started burning, the removed the glass lid and placed it under the running kitchen sink. Lid exploded, I started laughing. Good rice, crunchy around the edges.

While foraging mushrooms, i accidentally picked one vile tasting mushroom, Tylopilus felleus, as it looked almost indistinguishable from Boletus edulis. I made a pasta sauce from it, and it surprisingly still tasted delicious while i was cooking it. Only when it was finished did i taste the overwhelming aroma of bitter soap and bark.

>>13265667
RIP in peace anon
That’s not even you fucking up if the thing was growing alongside other good mushrooms, that’s just some rotten luck

Be more careful so you don’t die next time though

Was hanging out with some friends and decided we were gonna make a pizza. First of all, their pizza stone was nearly brand new and unseasoned. Second of all, their yeast was fucking dead, I wanted to give up then but my husband convinced me to keep going and see how the dough turns out because nobody felt like going to the store for more yeast.

The resulting mess was tough, rubbery, and not pliable/elastic how it's supposed to be. I hardly managed to roll that shit out, and when I was finally done and threw that mess in the oven, it stuck to the pizza stone despite taking the precaution of doing a layer of corn meal. It stuck so bad that while I prying the pizza off I basically ripped it to shreds and destroyed it. I was so fucking tilted by the end of this debacle I just sat on the kitchen floor, hands covered in corn meal and flour, nursing a rum and coke and starting into space until my husband helped me up and friend convinced me my deconstructed pizza was still delicious. At least it wasn't the first time I made pizza for everyone so my pride was at a little bit intact still.

i made something that tasted exactly like puke

>>13258540
Why did they get so serious, did they think you were some African warlord disposing of chopped off hands?

Was making a pineapple upside down cake
dropped all the eggs on the floor
call up gf "get some eggs"
she was already on her way home but she went out of her way in the rain to get the eggs
she gets home, now I have eggs
she's all wet and cold but I'm like "it's OK there'll be cake soon"
finish mixing up the cake, put it in the oven
some time later take it out
I forgot to put the eggs in, the box is still on the counter under a teatowel
it's just hot greasy floursoup with pineapples
We ate a bit anyway

>>13254215
thats rad

I made brownies with olive oil when I was ten because we had no vegetable oil and I was really fucking hungry and we had no food in the house

>>13254474
I know your pain, but I can vouch for what >>13260756 said. If you lower the heat while adding the cheese and the pasta water, it shouldn't clump. If you're already doing that and it still clumps, then I truly know your pain.

>>13254199
I once burned a pancake so black it stole my bicycle

>>13265993
Nigga was cooking feet or a head

>>13265396
Bought a new oven

>Peanut butter cookies
>cup of salt
>two teaspoons of sugar
wait

Burned soup

>>13266219
how do you burn soup

I fell asleep after I put this in the oven last night. Woke up to the house smelling like it was on fire, but luckily it just charred and stayed contained in the oven.

>>13258562
Anon Chernobyl’d his stove

>>13266527
Jesus christ, I wanna touch that thing so bad

>>13258562
It's The Chicken's Foot

>>13258747
I don't put explosives in my pressure cooker.

>>13266219
NIGGA HOW DO YOU BURN A SOUP?!

>>13266252
I had a girlfriend once who burned soup, it tasted like an ashtray smells

>>13266527
>>13266541
Hive mind

>>13256165
I believe

>>13254199
in university, I got really into distance swimming. Then I joined the swimming team as well - at that point i was doing the equivalent of running a half marathon 6 days a week, often a little more. As a result (and since i don't eat breakfast, and often skip lunch), my calorie requirements were insane. Fruit juice with 5 tablespoons of sugar added per cup insane.

Anyway, long story short I ended up adding sugar to a lot of my savoury food and liking it because i was just desperate for calories. At the end of one year when swimming had died down, I was trying to work my way through some frozen bolognese in the freezer. It was as sweet as rice pudding. Literally inedible. And I ate like that for months.

>>13266720
yummy yummy cummies!!!

>>13261792
Don't worry about it, dude.

>>13254215
>Google image searched this
>3 results all on /ck/ which seem to be same anon with the same story

>>13254199
I made a steak well done when I was trying to make it rare
I had to take a shit
Other than that the one time I had to make 12 eggs for a 3 egg order at the restaurant. They kept breaking when I cracked them.

>>13264847
Just over-cook your own chicken feet and take a picture in low-light
How is this even a question

>make lasagna
>box says no need to boil the pasta, just take it out of the box and bake it with the lasagna and it'll soften
>do that
>it doesn't soften
>it's completely inedible, like ceramic shards
>>13257203
>I need to track down some mirin for that
what flyover do you live in? protip: just use sake or soju. if you don't have even that try some dry white wine.
>>13263305
>microwaving rice
what the fucking shit

>>13254199
Forgot the raw eggs

>drunk and hungry
>put frozen pizza in oven
>turn oven on
>yadda yadda yadda
>wake up
>have new carbon frisbee
Chucked it off the balcony and that sucker flew. It made a solid THOCK as it crashed into a tree.

>>13254199
>try to make chicken noodle soup
>noodles suck up all the soup

>>13254199
I made Mac and cheese in a glass pan then left it in the fridge for nearly a year. There was so much mold and dead maggots in it that I had to throw the whole dish away.

>>13266531
It'll probably turn you into soup after 10-15 mins

>>13264958
Aint mine, that's for sure

I once accidently left a pot roast in my crock pot for 4 days

just chucked the whole pot in the dumpster

>>13266191
what anime is this

>>13260748

>>13254199
Chinese Stir fry noodles, put wheat noodles in instead of egg noodles, tasted like flour

>>13254199
No surprise to anyone that you need to be careful when cooking with sugar not to burn that shit.
However, when you get a new stove, you gotta remember that its not gonna cook at the same speed as the old one.
Ended up cooking a mixture of brown sugar and soy sauce for too long and made what smelled and tasted like the equivalent of black tar.
Worst part was cleaning it, took at least a few hours of straight scrubbing.
Fuck sugar

>>13267732
Oh so you had to throw away mac n cheese that had dead maggots in it? Shame. Doesn't feel true doe.
>>13267498
Dude I got cucked by these «no-cook» lasagna pasta too. It was edible but only because my sauce was very liquid.

>>13265935
>homemade pizza
>rolling instead of tossing
You were NGMI anyway.

>>13265935
This is why I just use pre-made pizza dough.

>>13267989
>only 4 days
Nigga your roast wasnt gonna be saved, but that crock pot wouldve been fine, probably wouldnt even have been that hard to clean

>>13267732
what the fuck dude

>>13262262
>adding mustard to make it less yellow

????????
I'm fucking baffled

>>13254199
The worst I've ever seen someone fuck something up was tea. How do you fuck up tea you ask?

My best friend decided to make a pot at my house while I was asleep. He took my clearly electric tea kettle, off of it's plug in base, and put it on the stove full burn. I woke to foul black smoke and a disintegrated kettle fused to the stove. The stench of burning plastic lingered for weeks and needless to say I could never fully remove the plastic

On the plus side, when I lifted the kettle from the stove the plastic bottom lifted away from the top in a perfect jagged ring of melted plastic. The thorny circlet became known as "the crown of shame" and anyone who colossally fucked up was made to wear it. My friend had to wear it the most, because as you can imagine, he was prone to doing stupid shit. Tragically one day a different friend threw it out when we were on a trip together because she didn't know what the fuck this strange, burned, painful, monstrosity was. I miss it all the time.

>>13268532
Do you live in a crappy sitcom?

>>13268537
If I did I would still have my funny hat.

>>13256165
literally would do nothing other than taste wack

fuck off you reddit fagg

kevin er min slut

>>13268012
power puff girls

>>13268532
>How do you fuck up tea you ask?
as a bong, the pic related conveys my feels.

>>13254215
that is horrifying.

Needed a lot of eggs for my yearly Ultrabowl party omelette. My brother told me how many exactly to get from the egg store, but I couldn't remember what he said by the time I got there. I wanted to be safe, so I ordered a gross.

>>13268199
I was in a really weird place at the time and I just stopped caring. I do t know, maybe I was a borderline hoarder then because I could t be bothered throwing away trash so I just piled up about 15 bags in the basement. Dishes were piled up in the sink with stagnant water that turned into this swampy mess. Two month old takeout on my counter was full of maggots and little flies were all over my house. I dunno I just stopped trying. No one was coming over to my house and I just gave up. It was really really bad.

>>13269163
HERE, EAT THE EGGS
EAT THEM

>>13262262
unironically fucking hilarious, keep going with the stories

>>13262299
>entire kitchen became caked in a flour water resin which became rock hard

>>13257037
Kudos for giving it a fair go, at least. I like your creativity

>>13262262
moar stories. But also, adding yellow mustard to get white?

>>13254199
baked beans do not make a good mixer for rum.

>>13254215
can i use this for my bands album cover?

>>13254199
I made scrambled eggs with chocolate milk beaten in.

>>13270658
I once made hot chocolate for 20 people at a Christmas party. Only after serving it to them did I discover that I accidentally used a fermented drinkable yogurt instead of milk. The cartons looked the exact same.

>>13267498
how dry was your lasagne to not be able to soften the pasta

Cooked pasta bake, but my dad had his hair cut in the kitchen a few hours before.. Somehow his hair ended up in the pasta bake and every mouthful was just.. Hair. Worst meal of my life

>>13254199
My first deer. The whole thing. I left it to hang too long and the weather got warm....forgive me deer senpai :[

>>13254215
Jesus christ I've been laughing at this for a minute straight

God bless anon

I've never baked before and tried to make cookies. I added less flour and more butter and milk too make them less bready and more crunchy and they just crumbled apart when they were done.

>don't trust tap water
>making chili
>realize don't have any jugs/bottled water on hand
>look around
>only liquid in fridge is cranberry juice
>time to experiment
>use juice in same quantities as I would have used water to get it going
>let it cook down
>notice the smell
>entire house suddenly smells like a barn
>realize i've made a horrible mistake
>taste it
>tastes like horseshit and candy
never ever try to replicate this

>>13265935
dumb bitch

>>13254199
i once used oil instead of water to make a cake, pretty easy to just toss out, so I didn't feel bad about it. I had a girl in high school I was friends with set fire to her dads house trying to make microwave mac and cheese once. I'm not talking like sparks and maybe 20 seconds of flames and its all fine, I'm talking about the house being unlivable for about 3 months as they had to rebuild half of the house. Nobody knows how she did it.

I started a oil fire as a kid by leaving a pan on the burner.
Took the burning pan and threw it down on the back patio and preceded to panickingly pour hose water on it which of course only succeeded in recreating the Siege of Constantinople sending boiling Greek Fire exploding in a 20 foot radius lighting some of me mom's plants on fire.

>>13273407
Oh, also I had a stoner friend try to make tea and forgot he was boiling water. There was an empty revere pot, the ones from the 70s that were good, that I got from dead grandmother sitting on a gas burner on full blast for 5 hours, he then tried to pour water into the pot to cool it down and it exploded. It didn't kill him but i very nearly did.

>>13269163
A gross? Stu, that's 144 eggs!

>>13255295
This is pretty much a plot arc from domestic girlfriend lmao

>>13270151
Addig mustard actually helps the eggs-oil emulsion. Same thing with lemon juice and vinegar.

>>13273410
KEK

>>13270690
>kefir hot cocoa
Was it... Was it good?

>>13262382
>This was incorrect.

>>13254199
I made your mum’s vagina look like a punched lasagne a while back.

Starting out cooking, had no idea what silverskin was. Roasted an entire porkbelly and it comes out goddamn near unpalatable. I looked at 10+ recipes, all claiming to be for complete beginners and not one mentioned silverskin.
I was really fucking sad, it was my first time roasting an expensive cut of meat

One time I made belgian waffle batter and tried to bake it in a bread pan.
It came out terrible

One time I was making ramen.
It was business as usual but it boiled over for some reason.
I don't know wtf happened but it literally ate right through a tin guard under the burner leaving a giant corroded hole though it.
It didn't affect the actual oven under it at all though.
I still ended up eating the ramen despite the fact it just obliterated a piece of tin

>>13256165
>That totally happened

>>13260748
I'd actually try that minus the shrimp
I'd probably dice the avocado differently though. Into more like slivers rather than cubes

>>13254199
I once left a pot of Hungarian Goulash on the stove and left the house. After 4 hours it had turned into a dense jet black brick. The pot was ruined, but I broke out the brick and it was trimmed to size and incorporated into the foundation of my parents' new house.

Besides burning food I tried to make cream of potato and bacon soup. It was clumpy as fuck

>>13256237
>house sitting for my brother
>drunk as hell
>all cookware is dirty
>find some steel bowls
>think they're basically pots
>throw raw chicken breasts in bowls for some reason
>fire it up
>pass out on couch
>wake up to a terrible burning smell
>walk in kitchen
>small fire on the wall behind stove
>i actually remember saying outloud to myself "did someone break in and start cooking"? Because I forgot I did it
>put fire out
>spend the next few days redrywalling and painting part of the kitchen
The chicken was just black mush, completely burned on outside and raw in middle

>>13275316
I've never messed with silverskin on pork belly, why did it ruin it, isn't it just a bit tough?

>>13275462
>isn't it just a bit tough
It was inedible, like eating baked rubber. There was still good meat on there, but separating it from the silverskin was a difficult task.

>>13275552
Huh, the cut must be prepped different here, it's just a slab that you can throw in the oven with zero extra butchery.

>>13254199
I didn't look all that closely and mixed up pepper with cinnamon. It didn't taste good.

>>13254199
I tried to warm up a Pyrex dish on a stove element because I wanted to melt and spread butter on it instead of just putting it in the oven for a few minutes.

The dish exploded as I was standing over it. I've felt more retarded in my life, but this was easily top 5.

My worst was because I wasn't thinking at all.

The first time I ever fried battered fish, I misread the recipe. There was a side part about "house seasoning" so I made the house seasoning as directed and then used it all. It turned out, it was supposed to be only a teaspoon or so of the house seasoning.

One time I forgot the lamb sauce

>>13254199
hey thats not a fuck up
ok the whites werent good, but that had more to do with the high moisture content of whites than anything else.
the dried yolks in a custom salt tray was a succcess, the browning on that one is because the salt has some bbq salt mixed into it

there were some actual fuck ups in the salt adventures though, pic related, massive plumes of smoke pouring out of olive oil soaked bisque fired salt block.
Salt transfers heat extremely efficiently, fast as the pan does, and since these are porous, the olive oil soaked in, and then tiny globs of oil were essentially surrounded by salt, giving an effect similar to if you took two hot elements and put oil between them, except all at once all through it, like a super heated sponge of sticky smoke spewing salt

I had to take a break during the experiments because of this and air the place out.

Probably not the worst i've fucked something up, but related to that pic

>>13275649
probably wasn't real pyrex

>>13258747
>would love to learn how in case of post apocalypse
>also don't want to be flagged by FBI
fuck

>>13258540
what kind of stovetop do you have that you can make pressure cookers glow?

>>13275702
defeat more foods

>>13276226
i'd be up for suggestions to toy around with

>>13268096
not as a chef, but I can live with being a passable home cook

>>13268108
fair. Not a fan of the semi-baked dough tho, and the frozen ones take forever to defrost

>>13273388
y-you too

>>13276242
msg pickling

>>13260921
nice lol

>>13261810
never buy seafood at an asian market lol. unless its sushi grade shit at a dedicated japanese place.

Added mushrooms (microwaved and drained to reduce moisture) to a frozen pizza. Always worked before, but this time enough moisture was left that the pizza started falling through the bars in the oven. I noticed before it fell all the way, but it was too soft to pick up so the only way to save it was to put a tray under it to catch it and push it through the bars deliberately. Still tasted okay.

>>13273410
be cool about fiiiiiiiiiire safety
captcha: fire hydrants

>>13254199
Tried to make one of those giant skillet cookies and it was almost perfect but I forgot the eggs and it fucked the entire dish up, I wasted good chocolate.

>>13254215
Get me in the screencap

>>13269283
>>13270151

Sadly I don't have any more really good stories for now, but I did find some old photos of trying to cook food! Here was the time I tried to make "fiery cherry pork roast". It came out disgustingly sweet just like before. I didn't have cherry liqueur so I just dumped a bottle of preserved cherries in there.

>>13278757

And here's some pelmeni

>>13265935
>wahhhh my pizza didn't come out perfect wahhh
This thread is for fuck ups not mild annoyances

>>13273533
Oops...

>>13269172
yikes dude, get help. Not from 4chan.

>>13258570
Dad pls.

>>13276560
Did you get a picture of that

>>13256165
*takes first bite of coke cake* Wow this tastes like fucking shit.

>>13263319

I was going to post about the time I forgot to put baking powder in a cake I made, but I'm clearly out of my depth itt.

>>13280502
kek this was a great mental image

in highschool, a few of us were hanging out at someones house and we were making our own pizzas. i wanted to try egg and anchovy on my pizza, but i accidentally bought sardines instead, and i didn't fry the egg beforehand. it was basically inedible

this time, living on my own, i wanted to make sponge toffee, but i was too poor to buy a confectioners thermometer. i tried mixing in the baking soda before it hit hard crack, but i was too slow mixing it in, and i ended up burning it all and turning it to stone. the smoky caramel smell was kinda nice though.

also in highschool, i decided i wanted to try eating a protein shake, so i added my regular ingredients (whey powder, milk, coffee, little bit of peanut butter and honey), and then three eggs. blended the shit out of it and poured it into a frying pan. i never thought to reduce the quantity of fluids in it, since i was cooking it, it took fucking forever for the milk to boil off. by the time it was finished, there was no flavour, and had a texture kind of like wet chalk

I was once making a boxed cake brownie and after it was in the pan, I realized I had forgotten to put the eggs, so I mixed the eggs right in the pan. Came out great.

>>13281179
Good protein bar recipe:
>protein powder
>powdered milk + a bit of water
>peanut butter

mix until a thick paste. cut. enjoy. don't even have to keep in the fridge or anything.

I tried to make a kool aid float once. I don't remember which flavor of kool aid I used, but I imagine it was grape.

I never tried that again.

>>13254215

>>13262336
you almost fucking killed me, I laughed so hard I started puking holy shit dude

>>13254314
I could coach you through it anon. It's the only thing I have talent with.

Spilled the pasta when I tried to drain the water out

>>13262303
if it catches on fire spray it with a spray bottle, not enough to extinguish the flame but enough to cool it

>>13258747
>>13276104
whatever you do don't compromise the relief valve

>>13254199
What the fuck is this even supposed to be?