/ck/ - Food & Cooking

just rig up that retarded tube system you built last June

>>11785473
Dose her with laxative so she gets embarrassed first.

There are these cheap pink stomach ache pills at walmart that will stop you from shitting for a few days.

>>11785496
nah he should just rig up that retarded tube system he built last June

>>11785473
rice, bananas, dairy (especially cheese). Don't eat anything with fiber in it and keep the liquids to a minimum

go keto.
only eat bacon, steak or chicken.
suppliment with carrots broccoli and beets.

stay away from cheese, eggs, beans, and cabbage.
stay away from liquid diet like ensure, and whey protien.

also if you get bound up/constipated you might excerete shit out your pores.
you will probably smell like shit.
dont constipate yourself anon.

>>11785511
>>11785489
can I get a quick rundown?

>>11785473
Just shit at work or in the mall or a restaurant

>>11785473
No joke, do a bit of oxy for a week before she gets there. Quit cold turkey and you'll be condtipated af. 1 week isnt long enough to get you really jooked if you keep your doses small. Also, prescription opioids are less addictve than heroin, but a bit more expensive.

>>11785473
Whole milk

MREs

>>11785473

pizza

Loperamide

Unless her bedroom is the bathroom she wont hear anything. I have a friend stay over and i try to listen to her shit and hear nothing.

>>11785473
Turn on the shower while taking a shit and then take a shower. as long as you don't brap too loud the shower should be loud enough to cover up the noise

>>11785473
well technically it is a shit post cause you're talking about poop

>>11785473
Eat an entire wheel of cheese.

Opiates

>>11786772
>i try to listen to her shit
what the fuck

>>11786887
what do you mean, "what the fuck"?
do you know what fucking website you're on dude?

>>11785473
Buy a load of MREs. Guaranteed constipation.

>>11785473
People with constipation have the worst shits imaginable. All you'll accomplish is being in lots of pain and then suddenly needing to take an enormous shit, likely diarrhea, with about 5 seconds of advanced notice to get to a toilet. Maybe this would work if it were for one day, but no way one week. There are people who've gone that long without shitting but they're not common and you're not going to make yourself one of those people on a whim like this.

>>11786329
>do a bit of oxy for a week before she gets there. Quit cold turkey and you'll be condtipated af.
It's the other way around. Painkillers make you constipated, quitting makes you start shitting your pants.

>>11787180
Oh yes, I forgot to warn OP about the ramifications of constipation. When he finally does drop that bowling ball sized shit, he'll be doubly embarrassed for clogging the toilet and becoming known as "that guy."

>he doesn’t shit with the door open in front of cute girls to let them smell your scent

>>11787188
I would recommend taking Suboxone all week. Not only does it make u constipated but also takes hours to ejaculate. But a true Chad takes a shit right in front of his GF, pisses all over the floor, and makes her get in the tub with him without wiping.

>>11785473
Just fast. If you aren't eating you won't be shitting.

>>11785473
Vicadin, percocet, heroin, morphine, or heroin

>>11785473
>I don't want her to hear me take taking a shit.
I have many questions

You might have IBS. Either way you should probably get more fiber in your diet

>>11788077
>Just fast. If you aren't eating you won't be shitting.
I can confirm this is definitely retarded and wrong. You start having to go to the bathroom more often when you stop eating because your GI tract doesn't know what to do without content and starts getting irritated. You also have way more shit hanging out in your colon than you're imagining, there's a reason the doctor makes you take something to purge your insides before a colonoscopy. Not eating for a day wouldn't come anywhere close to emptying you out.

>>11787167
this

>>11786772
Girls have perfected the art of shitting silently anon, do NOT shit loudly just because you can't hear her. She's probably heard enough to sketch your asshole from echo location memory at this point if you thought your normal, unmuffled shits cant be heard

>>11786330
He will stinking up the place with rancid toots tho

What's the point of this? I am Italian, hosting an American Gf/Fwb.
She used to be quite constipated, eating the American way, but I started to preparing her lots of pasta fagioli, pastas with vegetable pesto, rice, etc. I told her about the health benefits of legumes. The first days she was really embarrassed, trying to hold her farts. But I told her to feel free to fart everytime she needs. Now she farts freely around my house and this is really funny.
So don't be constipated, is terrible for health. Instead, cook for her stuff with fiber, and make her fart a lot. You'll have a lot of fun and you can make countless jokes about it.

>>11788277
grill here i'll tell you the secret:
put some tp in the bowl before you go, it won't splash and has the added benefit of not smearing the shit around the bowl when you flush
farting up a storm is something i can't help you with because girls don't fart :)

>>11788353
>feeling free to fart funnily
Um, wat?

>>11785473
She is going to think someone is wrong with you and dominate you. Take the gnarliest shits you can.

Dominate her in the restroom. Dominate her anywhere.

>>11788277
Can confirm, until you marry her and now every time i hear a splash I yell "touchdown" and she always cracks up.

>>11785473
Eating a whole extra cheesey pizza

>>11788522
this is the wholesome posting that this thread deserves

do this OP

not sure why you don't just rig up that retarded tube system you built last June

Please guys I really want to know what kind of retarded tube system someone rigged up last June :(

>>11788522
Just imaging your qt petite gf unloading her massive turds into the bowl and not flushing so that I can go and inspect it afterwards

>>11785473
flour

>>11785473
Unironically Pepto Bismol. It'll constipate you but may take a while to get back to a normal flow afterwards

>>11789722
Imagine having her shit the load straight into your mouth as YOU become the swallower, struggling to keep your lips clear in order to delicately rim her ring clean before the next wave.

>>11788131
>Go on extended 4 day fast
>Shit once on the first day
>Don't have to shit after that anymore


>purge your insides
Now this is some retarded shit. Unless what he uses is some medicine you're not gonna "purge" it. Only replace it.

>>11788475
I figure thats what she does. She’s very elegant and regal heard her peeing once so that was hot. She always burps under her breath everything is very lady like.

>>11785473

Just buy a few Percocet down at your local ghetto and take them. Make sure to pick up a toilet snake for when you want to dig out the giant ball of shit that will form inside you.

>>11785473
Being constipated makes you fart a lot. That's worse. All the crap just sits there generating more and more methane.

You can lay sheets of toilet paper on the floor and shit on them so you don't make a splash. Then you wrap them up and place them gently in the toilet before flushing. It's also a good idea to trickle a cup of water into the toilet before flushing so it sounds like you've had a piss, just in case she's snuck up to listen through the door.

>>11786772
I've always wanted to listen to a pretty girl take a shit as well

>>11785473
>it's literally not-a-shit post

>>11785473
>how to get constipated
>not a shitpost
LMAO
But anyway, just stock up on MRE, my man.

>>11789411
no you don't
and neither does that puppy

>>11790195
You still have bile and plenty of shit in your colon you idiot. You will go to the bathroom with painful incomplete bowel movements made up of horrible gas and bile from the irritation you caused by cutting off the normal expected food intake. You don't just stop shitting from fasting alone. Even hibernating animals have special mechanisms they need to work around that problem.

>>11788084
You said heroine twice

>>11791128
>horrible gas
How can there be gas if there is no fibre to ferment. Where do you think gas comes from/

I've fasted multiple times. I've never had to shit after day one. I've never had any issues with my bowels or pain.

And whether or not shit is left in your bowels is irrelevant to OPs problem, he isn't going for a colonoscopy he simply doesn't want to shit.

>>11785473

Stop being a beta. This is literally a girl concern. You should be proud of taking strong healthy shits. The pheremones from it will attract her and activate her hormones.

Here is how to do it right. Shit only with the door open. DO NOT! sit to shit. Shit squatting or standing with one leg on the toilet lid (for louder more powerful splashes). Pants should be completely off, shirt on. Socks are ok. You should have an erection (optional). If someone walks by make direct eye contact and engage in casual conversation. This is what seperates you from chad. Do all this and you will see your life improve instantly.

>>11790315
>You can lay sheets of toilet paper on the floor and shit on them so you don't make a splash. Then you wrap them up and place them gently in the toilet before flushing.

>>11791347
Maybe you just have some abnormally great intestines. Normal people will get bowel problems if they stop eating for long periods of time. Diarrhea's the leading cause of death for starving children in developing nations, you don't need to eat fiber or even food any time recently to have bad intestinal problems. If you did everyone with IBS, crohn's, colitis, etc. would be instantly cured as soon as they stopped eating. And what happens instead is they inevitably stop eating from all the pain, diarrhea, bile leaking, and bleeding only to realize things get even worse when your intestines are left to spasm around without new content.