/ck/ - Food & Cooking

jesus cries

I hate being that guy but I despise AB so goddamn much I wan't to punch a pregnant puppy.

>>11749051
Were it not for the laws of this land I would have slaughtered you.

>>11749051
Why do you not like Alton Brown?

>>11749073
pure and simple? he's a hack.

>>11749029
where the fuck do you get a film canister in this day and age anyways

>>11749083
How so? He's never marketed himself as anything more than a nerdy guy who likes the science behind cooking. He's not claiming to be some Michelin star chef.

>>11749114
I don't know then. Didn't you ever know or see someone that you just had an innate desire to physically harm?

>>11749141
Well I'm not a psychopath, so no.

>>11749029
>the ring
>the watch
i thought this was oc ja/ck/ and now i'm disappointed

>>11749158
Because Jack is the only person in the history of the universe to wear a ring and a watch.

why doesnt he just shave it off

>>11749141
Yikes. Posts like these make me grateful my only mental problems stem from crippling misogyny.

>>11749165
it's a gross thing to do if you're cooking
clean people remove these items before they wash their hands

>>11749149
everyone has fantasies about hurting someone from time to time.
Source: I'm reading a psychology book about it right now.

>>11749105
>he doesn't shoot film like based Alton

>>11749216
Is that his daughter? It's a miracle incest doesn't happen more than it does.

>>11749216
I'm home, mama

>>11749234
Yeah, she's gorgeous.
If I had Alton Brown for a father I'd have been a perfect sphere by that age.

>>11749235
I'd chop my nuts on her chest and face, if you catch my drift

>>11749029

this is literally the solution to a problem no one has

even this old bitch isn't decrepit enough to need assistance twisting a fucking peppermill

1 kek/100

>>11749250
I don't follow at all.

>>11749255

that bird can suck my squidgy dick with its little pinched face

I cook almost everything in the trusty waffle iron.

>>11749114
Goddamnit Alton, there's a much more efficient way to cook food with production lighting than 9 1k Par Bars. You only need like 6 Super Sharpies to achieve the same thing, and that would only take about 35A at 120/60. Also that video only showed him plugging in one 3 phase 208v 48 channel dimmer when clearly that stunt would need two, or at least a 48 rack and 12. The production LD knew how to program a Smartfade though, so points there.

Where can I buy one of these?

>>11749318
I do feel this is more meaningful than 99% of other art projects these days

>>11749593
pls stop posting this webm

>>11749255
Would be great for coke, goddamn

>>11749149
Will this work with heroin?

>>11749316
We used to be able to bring a waffle iron into my high school chemistry class the day before finals, eat some waffles for half the class and start the final during the other half. Everyone who brought in cinnamon rolls were seen as instant cool kids,

>>11749105
Walgreens or Walmart

>>11749855
>filename
you had one job

>>11749114
His original show is full of misinformation. His new show is him going through everything he did wrong in his old show while reading articles from Cook's Illustrated and Serious Eats. Might as well skip the annoying cunt go to his sources directly.

>>11749051
>Pregnant puppy
Utter retard

>>11749761

>>11749029
seems like a lot of work for a small issue

>>11750137
>No meme tabs

Fucking one job.

>>11750368
Only a casual would open up gay websites for a screenshot.
>Hey I'm 2/10 trolling on /ck/ mom
Leave immediately.

>>11749309
>didn't sweat the veg
>putting everything in at once
This man needs to be locked up he's a sociopath

>>11749051
cringe

>>11749216
>tfw no 9/10 milk truck daughter
It hurts, but I feel like I'm better off without one.

FRRRESH TORRRRRRTILLAS

>>11750024
Yes, but the cooking process will cost you some of the dose.

>>11749423
I dunno what any of that means

>>11749253
>>11750245
I see electric mills being sold everywhere now. Even designer ones. It's the epitome of laziness, but there's a market.
>inb4 retards going to try and claim it's meant just for elderly and disabled.

>>11750646
>tfw one of my relatives has a house full of these
There's a certain charm when you press that little button, it goes whirr, and all the seasoning just gently floats down onto your food like the falling leaves in autumn. Then that charm wears off and you realise you've saved virtually nothing compared to sprinkling a pinch or twisting a grinder for a bit.

>>11749255
thats a fucking shit ton of cinnamon

>>11750245
you don't understand how engineers think then.

>>11749318
That black lady is dead now

>>11750428
>being this mad

>>11751029
when did she die she gave the best fucking blowjobs

>>11751044

>>11749855
Eggcellent my fellow anon.

>>11751095
There's a trap door he stands on. If he doesn't meet quota, the trap door opens and he's plunged into the sewers, where ferocious sewer dwelling homeless cannibals will beat him into unconsciousness and boil him alive for their underground community of cannibals.

>>11751056
w-w-where are they heading

>>11751430
To Auschwitz

>>11749029
is this guy retarded? you can adjust the drill head to clamp down on the bit or in this case, grinder rod

>>11751528
t-that’s literally hitler! ;_;

>>11751430
They're heading to their new home. A farm, up north, where there's lots of wide open fields for them to run around in and chase squirrels.

>>11751536
>is this guy retarded?
Are you?

>>drill head
It's called a chuck, anon. Have you ever used tools before?

And did you even realize the whole point of the film canister thing was to close up the opening at the top of the pepper grinder so the peppercorns don't fall out while you're grinding.

>>but but why didn't he just tighten the chuck farther down
Look closer, dumbass. There are two flat portions sticking out from the shaft. That means the drill can only grip the top portion of the shaft, not the whole thing.

>>11749029
weapon grade autism

>>11749593

Its so funny he has a regular smiling face then suddenly puts on the soy meme look as if its intentional

>>11750464
He's afraid of getting burned.
Haven't you seen his frying videos, where he starts adding the food in cold oil?

>>11749309

its not bad, but its a slop of ingredients that could have been put into 3-4 separate meals with much better flavour and texture than just one messy pot

>>11751106
>soul vs soulless

>>11752212
>many complicated knives vs one cutty boi

>>11751061
>sonic knife
So is it some high frequency pulse or something?

>>11749855
How does he egg?

>>11749855
le how does he le

>>11749149
>that gray ass dry as fuck steak
fucking hell

>>11749423
He's pretty obviously not trying to be efficient. He was doing it for spectacle since he's, yknow, an entertainer.

>>11749029
what kind of limp wristed faggot can't even grind a peppermill

>>11752721
>>11752726
>>11752731
OH BOY THANK YOU FOR THIS NEW AND EXCITING CONTENT THAT I ABSOLUTELY HAVE NOT SEEN POSTED OVER 2000 TIMES ALREADY.

>>11749855
how does he get in?

>>11749593
Those things making coffee are called Asians, there are many different kinds of them. The thing with the glasses is a nu-male and they can be found at liberal art collages.

>>11752734
yikes come down sweatie

>>11752777
Checked and yellowpilled

>>11752795
I want to live in a log cabin with Jack, and he would cook me delicious Keto meals every day.

>>11752776
This literally infuriates me.

Well it's the same webms but at least the thread isnt boring anymore

>>11752752
Sorry, im new here. Who is this freak?

>>11752901
Based Cooking with Ja/ck/

>>11749058
>Sabering edge first
Fucking end this moron

Notice no one even responding to the jack posts. There is nothing to say or discuss and it arouses no interest.

>>11749051

>>11749255
This looked fine until they showed the spice loading compartment. Why would you put it so close to the battery compartment where it could easily spill into while loading. What a horrible design

>>11752940
Because we're spellbound by incompetence

I'm assuming >>11752776 is what caused him to start frying things in lukewarm oil. It's a really good example of how Jack's mind works.
>Maybe I should use a utensil or be more delicate when putting things in hot oil?
>No, the oil temperature is clearly the problem.

>>11752940
Jack doesn't matter anymore. His time has past.

Henry > Jack

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yNSXQsP-VQY&list=PL803A87744721C14C

>>11749387
I love this movie so much.

>>11751056
Its like The Matrix

>>11749141
Yes but Alton is based. Give him a chance. And in real life he'd be the one knocking you around, he's a hard ass who is just affable for the camera.

>>11752765
I know jackposting is inherently bait, but onions in any form, with fruit, is just fucking wrong

>>11749255
does it have wifi?

>>11751041
>Getting called out and making baseless insinuations
I'm blushing for you.

>>11750037
comfy poster

>>11751048
God I wish that was me

>>11752772
He hatched from one of those eggs.

>>11752845
*flicks your bean*

>>11754094
>gooks hatch from eggs like so many billions of spiders
explains a lot, desu

>>11752901
Jack Scalfani. His food causes food poisoning, he abused his son, and got his first stroke at the age of 40.

non-newtonian general Tso's chicken (4:33)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9kwmXwLTNo

>>11750077
To be fair Serious Eats has dabbed on a lot of chefs. They've dispelled so many food myths that were just accepted as gospel.

>>11751430
probably to be killed by cold machines while they are scared

>>11752779
that looks good

>>11754203
>General Tso's Chicken
>China
god i love Jack

>>11749318
hey thats that fat guy with his youtube channel who cries about his weight gain and that he is getting deported because his husband divorced him

>>11754393
huh?

>>11752898
post the one with the blacked footage

>>11754407
Tso's is not a chinese dish

>>11754439
huh?

>>11754446
I'm gay btw

>>11754403
I wondered why he seems so familiar

>>11751647
>regular smiling face

>>11752606
Yes, a consistent high frequency vibration. I've seen them for mass production and laboratory equipment.

>>11752741
he's self aware man, he's being a dumbass for views like DSP

>>11751061
I want a sonichu knife now :(

>>11751106
>this kills the cheese

>>11749213
>it says in this book so it must be true

I mean, I currently want to hurt you based on that, so maybe you have a point after all.
Or maybe you are just a faggot at this point

>>11749316
gayest shit I've ever seen even by buzzfeed/tasty standards

>>11751056
That was A-OK until it panned to the chickens

>>11751430
Mrs Tweedy 's PIES

>>11754380
oh no

>>11752212
jesus, that's a lot of numbers.
I want to eat that cheese, not to calculus with it

>>11749051
>I hate being that guy

>>11751048
I wish I liked olives, no matter how much I try to eat them I can't help but gag.

>>11752915
where can I find his stuff like this?
Everything I find on jewtube looks at least okay, in comparsion to what I see here

>>11751580
>>And did you even realize the whole point of the film canister thing was to close up the opening at the top of the pepper grinder so the peppercorns don't fall out while you're grinding.
durrr thats not how grinders work

>Look closer, dumbass. There are two flat portions sticking out from the shaft. That means the drill can only grip the top portion of the shaft, not the whole thing.
it'd make no difference

pic related, it's you

>>11749158
Hey, look guys, I'm Ja/ck/

>>11754987
Old hairy knuckles...noice...

>>11754987
You're the fucking missing link mate.

>>11755011
You like?

>>11752765

>Onions
>Apples
>Sauerkraut
>Oh, okay, he must be making pork chops then!
>opens the foil
>no pork chops
>Just onions, apples and kraut sweated together and baked

...goddamn it, Jack. You were so close.

>>11749855
egg

>>11749316

This is retarded

>>11752765
>onion
Cool
>garlic
A bit soon but whatever
>apple
Ehhh??? This is going to be great or disgusting
>rice(???)
Hwhy

>>11749855
How?

>>11752870

LOL

>>11751061
Can i.legally own one of these in the UK?

>>11752451
the idea is to display the crystallization, otherwise they wouldn't bother with this bullshit

>>11752802
hilarious

>>11749114
You know a michelin star just means you cooked with garbage from france the specific french way...right anon?

Its like saying You are great at programming because you use only programs you bought from dell's website while only using your dell computer.

It has nothing to do with anything skill related.

>>11754403
wait, who?

>>11752853
>leaves the phone on a discarded styrofoam container wich had raw meat on it
how can someone be so disgusting

>>11755597
God I wish that sandwich was me and I could feel Jack's tongue on my balls.

>>11749309
Webm doesn't capture the horror of that meat being a year old.

>>11749316
I actually do press tater tots down for quick hash browns pretty often like that, quite nice

>>11755600
You are 100% full of bullshit

>>11752741
What an idiot, you need to remove the label from the apple first.

>>11753679
>NO FUN
>being this much of a redditfag
take that nigger dick out your ass

>>11749309
>can of pineapples

>>11749316
This one was actually nice to watch I'm surprised

>>11755918
feel free to watch any cooking show with cooks with multiple stars fuck up making a taco

>>11750024
To answer your question, no it won't unless you get extremely lucky with where you hit your veins. Heroin use looks extremely easy in movies, the character artistically shoots their dope in 10 seconds and it's all fine. In reality it's a lot different and harder. Your objective is to shoot it directly into your bloodstream; you don't just stick the syringe anywhere in your arm and you get high; if you stick it into a muscle it won't do dick. First, you need to find a vein; if you've been doing heroin for more than a year that alone is a task; I've seen some junkies in rehab who have been using for 10 years; the it takes them sometimes an hour of trying to find a vein because they've ruined all of theirs. Some are forced to shoot into their crotch, the veins on their feet, or in their neck, and even then those are probably ruined too so it still takes them a long ass time to find their vein. Even if you find a good vein there's no guarantee the syringe is actually in it. To see whether you're in, you need to pull back on the plunger, and blood from your vein will shoot into the syringe; that's how you know you're in. Then you inject the blood/heroin mix back into yourself.

A device like that would be worthless because not only does it not go in at a good angle, there's no way to verify if you're actually in the vein because you can't pull back and check. You might get extremely lucky and somehow it your vein, but there's several needles in that device, you'd realistically be hitting one of those needles while the other needles needlessly waste your precious heroin by shooting into your muscles. A total waste of time and money.
t. Former heroin addict and dealer

>>11756166
based smack fiend poster

yes lets post the same 80-120 webms again before the thread dies and we can do it all over again!

>>11756174
absolutely sisyphean

>>11750245
for you

>>11752877
I'm willing to bet my entire life's savings that Jack doesn't own a single knife that wasn't purchased at a Dollar Tree

>>11752933
He said you can use both, you fucking dimwit

>>11754163
How is he doing? Did he recover from his stroke yet?

>>11749105
Based retard

>>11756166
thanks for the info

>>11753679
>Getting called out
What an imagination

>>11754136
he's Indian

>>11756225
He had another one last year and it kind of fucked up his right arm.

>>11753518
You're a fucking pleb if you don't enjoy apple and onion with liver.

>>11754380

I mean this is clearly fetish porn. Bitch has a serial killer stare and no one would want to eat shit she has chewed up and spit out...

Right?

>>11751061
Can you activate ripper mode if you buy one of these?

>>11756717
She reminds me of the chick who does the Devolver event at E3, whom I would also fuck the piss out of.

>>11749593

>>11751061
a fucking hf blade

>>11755597
it's like jabba the hutt

>>11749855
los juevos se rompene si el hijo de puta a dentro se escapa. como?

>>11756017
it passes through your intestines without any issue

>>11749051
So don't be that guy

>>11752721
Medium rare chicken very nice

>>11749029
>Film cannister
Who has such a thing?

>>11752752
You can see the disgust in his face

>>11751430

There going to go get showers. Don't worry about it.

>>11752776
He's so afraid of the oil haha

>>11757363
That's just a small stroke happening.

>>11749593
That chink is handsome tho, I'd let him pound me arse.

>>11756166
>on their crotch
Like in my sade inspired oriental sea scrolls.

>>11755680
No wonder why he got pinkeye

>>11755451
It's still raw right?

>come in to smear Jack webms all over thread
>it's already been ja/ck/ed
absolutely based

>>11756084
>tiny water bottle
>huge hands

>>11749029
>pepper paedo

>>11749149
>micro penis wanking action

Someones going to put their cat in that.

Fun fact: despite the quirky carefree personality he portrays on Good Eats, Alton Brown is actually very right-wing, a devout Christian, really into collecting guns and is actually kind of an asshole

>>11752765
Those apples aren't even cooked

>>11753518
I enjoy cheese, apple and onion sandwiches.

>>11753518
tomato

>>11757510
Not quite true since he quit the southern baptists because of their virulent homophobia.

>>11752884

>>11757549
>opposed to an unbiblical and immoral lifestyle
>this means you hate gays
Liberalism will bring about the second coming in sure of it

>>11757607
I'm not gay, but I don't think gays are necessarily less moral somehow than a normal person.

>>11757627
You apparently do think they're not "normal", though.

>>11757627
>implying you can be more or less moral
>implying morals
nice spooks nerds.

>>11757634
His word choice was poor but that's mostly because "normal" has so many negative connotations. Too many folks in a minority group are so obsessed with their personal crusades that it can be difficult for the layperson to find a word that's safe to describe said group's minority status.

>>11753518
pork tenderloin with green apple & red onion stuffing is divine, you fool.

>>11757398
>tfw gotta Ja/ck/ it but can't

>>11749051
Alton is great
Now this fucking guy.... I would lovingly drown in the baththub

>>11754203
fuckin corn starch

>>11757398
So you were going to smear the thread with the same webms that are in the thread every single time anyway? There's maybe 3 new videos posted a month.

>>11755600
Post yourself standing infront of your michelin star restaurant in with your ferrari.

>>11757808
it can read

>>11749316
>Brownie Batter
>Uses doughy balls
How in the goddamn is that shit brownie BATTER?

>>11755597
I get physically Ill watching Jack eat.

>>11755600
Then how did the japs earn so many

>>11756197
He has a set of Shuns that he got for free I think

>>11752731
...what the fuck is happening here

>>11749149
>comic sans

>>11749029
>A weapon to surpass seasoning steer.

>>11749318
>Midget waitress
oh lord, my flank steak is sizzling. Could you imagine her feeding your a burger while she rode you in your lap? Food sex is the best.

>>11757510
You're the type that thinks no one 'NEEDS' a gun, and criminals follow the law, huh? I can smell it on you.

>>11752212
You know those cheeze its commercials with the talking cheese wheel? I feel like this is a torture porn parody of those.

>>11758011
dont have to lift with these or how about a pizza wheel. then u dont have to worry about someones poopy hands touching the whole pie.

>>11758011
>>11758102
Korean ingenuity

>>11751056
>tfw you'll never drive the chicken vacuum

>>11758111
You could still run the Crabveyer belt

>>11751106
imagine the smell

>>11757510
>right-wing, a devout Christian, really into collecting guns
>is actually kind of an asshole
why did you repeat yourself?

>>11758110
what even is that?

>>11758152
It's called The Bomb or something

>>11758165
whats like the sauce and those bean looking things, toppics etc ??

>>11756166
>while the other needles needlessly waste your precious heroin by shooting into your muscles
wait I thought shooting H straight into muscle tissue fucks you up pretty badly?

>>11758189
That's why you want to avoid it

>>11758165
Amateur.

>>11751561
Sounds nice

>>11758165
lost it when he poured a fucking redbull

>>11757755
lel

>>11758249
why do mexicans do this?

>>11758127
>>11757510
>guy [believes in something]
>snide libruls make passive aggressive backhand comments
>how dare he believe in something that I don't believe in
>what an asshole

>>11758487
Pays the bills

>>11749593
I would serve all of my friends coffee with an image of my cock.

>>11757510
who cares ?

>>11751095
>fucking loss.png

Bravo.

>>11757510
>>11758127

RENT FREE
247

>>11752748
that pork

is not cooked

>>11758226
>>11758232
>>11758238
>>11758240
>>11758249
Mexico was a mistake.

>>11759838
Mexicans actually have the highest life expectancy because they eat this garbage and still manage to live to 70 with morbid obesity and diabetes for 40 years

>>11749593

>>11755597
>why the tongue?

>>11749855
H-HOW? CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME?? HOW D-DOES HE GET OUT???? ALL I WANT TO KNOW OS THAT. EXPLAIN THIS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW HOW THE FUCK THE SURLY EGG KING GET OUT OF HIS FORT FOR FUCK SAKE

>>11760518
Why would he want to leave?

>>11754902
I hope youre not stuffing them down like popcorn, anon. Just take little bites and go to a proper deli to get them.

>>11760487
Get with it, nugga

>>11757825
kek

>>11757936
He got pink eye and someone told him to use chili to clean it. lol

>>11749029
jesus, alton. it's just a pepper mill. twist more

>>11758011
why dont I just set my fucking hands on fire.

>>11760766
"Someone" told him to use CAYENNE actually.

>>11758102
take THAT you stink-pot

>>11758487
for drunk americans

>>11760790
id like to watch u struggle cutting an actual 18inch pizza with that

>>11760780
Apologies, chef.

>>11751056
>>11758118
Anyone have the webm of the automated lamb processing line? The one where it's using lasers/x-rays and robot arms to make perfect cuts.

>>11760730
>he's fast!

>>11760853
Here you go.

>>11757510
Sounds like a decent dude to me.

>>11761414
Man, the robot human war isn't even going to be fucking fair...

>>11749855
reddit

>>11757510
This confirms to me that he is 100% a closeted homosexual.

>>11758167
Looks like vanilla pudding and raisins.

>>11749114
Did he just cut that pizza with a unitasker?