/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>visit friend's house
>dump out their vodka
>pour rubbing alcohol into vodka bottle
>put back of shelf

they will go blind with laughter

thats a good way to get your ass beat

>be in kitchen
>cook excellent meal for family
>anxious for them to take a bite
>they enjoy it
>I am satisfied with said meal

fucking hilarious every time hahah

>>11432393
How to pull this one off? Ha e tried with multiple families but every time I fuck it up and someone gets sick.

>>11432409
just bee urself

>>11432232
Heat up the handle of a pan or utensil that's metal while they are looking away do when they grab it they get a surprise jajaja

>>11432232
Kitchen pranks are dangerous and retarded.

That being said I once stuff couple swidish fish into some soup that my parents are brining them over to the church party.

>>11432232
Holy shit I just did this to my mom hahahaha you should've seen the look on her stupid fucking face hahahahahahaha
>pic related

>at a friend's house, where he's hosting a barbecue
>they run out of heinz ketchup
>gives me some cash and asks me to run to the store to get more
>bring back hunt's ketchup instead

>>11432467
Way to shit in your own nest, there'll be no tendies for you for awhile.

>swapped vodka and gin between bottles
>did the same with the bourbon and the whiskey
>Watered them all down ~10% in the proccess
lmao

>>11432483
>t. Based bar owner

>replace chocolate chip cookies with oatmeal raisin

I was hosting some guests that i fucking hated so my wife and i put shrooms in their soup

a bit of a waste and expensive but they never came back

>>11432232
This but with a pool of EVOO.

>tape a bunch of coins to the ceiling of microwave since it's a bit low and you can't see the top
>wait for roommate to cook something in it.

He wants to move out, but he has nowhere to go.

>>11432501
Nah the absolute best is if you have a pet that sheds to take a clump of fur and slip it to the bottom of the stove, it's small enough not to be seen and by the time they realize it's there it's too late the smell will linger for days

>>11432467
Say goodbye to your nintendo switch faggot.

>>11432490
Fuck you, I only water them down to something like 75-80%. I care for my customers.

>>11432517
>>11432490
>>11432483
Holy shit, does this really happen?

>>11432232
I like putting a little tape over the hose switch so when they turn on the water it sprays them

>>11432553
>Take $20 bottle of vodka
>Pour it into previously emptied $30 bottle of vodka
>When at 90% full refill with water
Its free money pham

Pour regular dish soap in dishwasher

>>11432566
>>11432553
>Buy Recipe 21 by the handle
>Blend it half and half with more expensive stuff
The best is the "connoisseur" college kids who talk about this shit like its liquid gold and cant tell its mostly $12 a handle swill

>>11432566
>>11432580
You guys are fucking crazy, I love it.
>>11432574
I didn't know this would happen. Fucking racket to sell those expensive little detergent packets, huh? Can't you just use bleach in the dish washer?

>>11432553
Not at any bar I've ever worked at. But then again I work at respectable places.
I could see this maybe hapening at some shit hole in the wall bar in yeehawville KY.

>>11432232
I usually put a raw shrimp under something hidden away. I do this every few weeks and its hilarious.

>>11432553
Only under two conditions
>the bar is doing phenomenally bad and needs a last ditch effort to pinch pennies
>staff can be persuaded to carry out these actions

However, if you order a bottle at a club, unless you took that bottle out of the case that it was shipped in and you broke the seal yourself, I 99% of the time promise you're paying for a label and something 1 to 2 tiers below the label quality.

t. I've worked at some douchey places

>>11432232
jokes on you op
i store things in the oven when it's not in use so i always check inside before preheating

>>11432480
you fucking asshole

>share cooking duties with girlfriend
>prefer to cook solo
>tamper with spices, ruin ingredients and fuck her cooking up when she's not paying attention
>she's now convinced that she's an awful cook and let me do all the cooking

Spicy keychain, anyone?

>>11432704
Why the fuck would you do this though?

>buy a few hens and a rooster
>leave them together
>accumulate a dozen fertilized eggs over a few days
>go to grocery store
>buy dozen eggs
>swap eggs out in your car
>return case of balut and tell cashier you forgot you already have eggs and would like a refund
I do this every month or so. Gets em every time

>>11432753
i'm pretty sure they just toss returned food

> boil the pet bunny in soup pot on stove
> wait for cheating husband to come home with a butcher knife in your hand

Good times

Does this icecream smell weird?

>high schoolers I party with are making pruno
>tell their dads
>try to fuck with me back by trapping me on a YouTube video online
>end up filming a girl throwing up
>end up showing this to all my buddies

>>11432955
What's pruno, anon?

I usally go for the "Ol' Spicy Keychain"

>>11432955
...why do you hang out with high school kids

Kind of a long series of stuff from a few years back
>me and my friends house is kind of the party house/crash house in college years
>dumbasses staying over and sleeping downstairs all the time
>friend is looking for his fancy automatic salt shaker one day and finds it in the trashcan
>pisses him off really bad that dumbass potheads threw the salt shaker away
>I thought it was funny so I start throwing his salt shaker away
>he always blames the potheads that stay over
>start putting it in random places like in the shower, on top of the ceiling fan, in his car while he's sleeping
>everybody is in on it at this point, he doesn't know who it is but he's pissed
>replace his coffee sugar with salt
>buy identical shaker to his, he finds it and goes to put it back where the salt goes and he gets really confused when there's two
>buy 30 pound bag of pool salt, replace his pillow with it
>do the bucket on top of a door trick in his bedroom with bulked full of salt
small tricks went on for a few years after we moved to our own places until I finaly bought him a big square Christmas present that was just 10 bricks of deer salt

>>11433107
Fucking lol. I screen capped this for future /ck/ humor threads. God Speed, You Salt Emperor.

>be me
>work in pub
>enter kitchen
>grab the nearest sharp object and stab the first nigga I see
>he dies because of my 100 skill points in one handed
>rest of the kitchen crew applauds my flawless blade work and skill with a knife
>Gordon Ramsay hears of my epic 360 throwing knife wallbang and wants to give me all of his restaurants.
>stab him too
Epic prank XD

>>11432969
Prison wine they don't need an I'D for

>>11432972
Help keep em safe

>>11432721
He's a sociopath

>>11432793
I remember the news reports, and dramatic music, about this.

>>11432409
wash your hands fgt

>>11432562
a rubber band works really well forthis

>find unopened sodee pop
>shake it so much it goes flat

>>11432480
but Huntz tastes better

>>11433184
>be me
>actually work in pub
>sneak into the kitchen and eat expensive ingredients every time I get the chance

>>11433107
Would you say he became quite salty with you all?

>>11432704
jesus Christ dude.

>>11433355
>be me
>work in pub kitchen
>eat ingredients all the time

>>11433107
>>buy identical shaker to his, he finds it and goes to put it back where the salt goes and he gets really confused when there's two
lél

When I was a kid I would keep compuserve/aol cds in the car. Anytime there was a house party a few would end up in the microwave... nice light show.

Lived with my brother and a deadbeat roommate for a while. Deadbeat would constantly eat all the peanut butter. Took a jar, used a knife to drill down the center and make like a tunnel in the middle.
Deadbeat comes into living room eating from jar with a spoon.
>> walk over, look down into jar, disgusted exclamation...
Omg deadbeat, don't eat that! It's anonBro's fucking Jar.
Deadbeat almost pukes.

A couple decades later, whenever I'm at my brothers house I still try to find an excuse to be unobserved near his pantry to put a fuck tunnel in his peanut butter. His wife is not my biggest fan.

>mom tell me to make popcorn
>>put popcirn in microwave
>>>press Polaroid buton instead of popcorn buton
>>>>popcorn berns and smokes

>>11434339
>>>>>ops i mean “potatoe” not “Polarode”

>>11432663
>implying the business that pays $600/mo in rent in bumfuck nowhere while making a profit off of rednecks buying gallons of marked up domestic beer is more likely to do it than the Brooklyn "speakeasy" that pays $5000/mo in rent where every hipster buys some cocktail to show off their "knowledge"

Lame prank but it's funny to me how long it lasted:
>7 years ago
>roommate eats dill pickle spears all the time
>open pickle jar
>superglue lid to jar (huehueheuhue i know)
>glue plastic back to lid so it looks perfectly unopened
>roommate tries like fuck to open jar
>warm water, slaps the base, tries everything but nothing works
>I pretend to try to open it
>puts jar back in fridge
>roommate has everyone who comes over try to open the jar
>jar remains """"unopened"""" in fridge the whole time I live there
>never own up to gluing it
...six fuckin years later...
>go to visit him on New year's Eve
>go to grab a drink from the fridge
>see pickle jar and remember stupid prank
>start to tell former roommate about it
>before I get to the glue part he tells me it's the same fucking jar
>the goddamn jar moved houses with him twice
>he says he still tries to open it every now and then
>I pretend to try to open it and he tries again
>puts jar back in fridge
>it's probably still fucking in there

>>11433347
Nigger

>>11434296
I lol'd
>>11434339
>>11434340
lay off the aerosol, kid

>>11434380
What a fuckin' legacy. Nice.

>>11432232
>Drinks at my flat
Every god damned time
>Having a good evening
>Get a little drunk
>One of my mates sneaks into the kitchen
>Tears the labels off all of my canned food
>Adds an additional can or two with no label (Catfood or sauerkraut etc)

I always made a big deal and behaved angry that it happened so they would do it again and again
I still haven't told them I kept my food in the cupboard and the food in the pantry they molest belongs to my flatmates

>Work at burger king in high school
>Guy asks for extra pickles
>Fill large cup with pickles
haha i owned him

>visit cousin's house
>drink the rest of his 2 liter of sprite
>refill it with water and put it back in the fridge

>>11434653
My older cousin did this to me with Zima when I was 5 years old. Wonder if he was trying to get a piece?

>>11434682
>Wonder if he was trying to get a piece?

>pre heat oven
>invite my old half jewish girlfriend over to catch up
>put her in oven

now that's one for the books!

>>11432232
I have several pics from like 2015ish when I worked at Firehouse subs with this one manager who would leave shit like pic related for the morning manager. It was great. Fuck that place though.

>>11434818
Fucking beautiful.

>>11434864
We also did this the same night.

>>11434864
>>11434895
And this as well. We also blew the trash and what not with a leaf blower one night instead of sweeping to get out of there like 30 minutes earlier.

>>11432232
>swap the forks with the spoons
>swap the spoons with the knives
>swap the knives with the forks

>>11432232
The only kitchen prank that I ever pulled was this:
>have gf who can't handle spicy/hot food
>made her toast
>buttered bottom of toast with wasabi
>buttered top of toast with vegemite

She shat bricks when getting a mouthful of wasabi unexpectedly and she can't really handle stuff like wasabi at the best of times.
She was not impressed.

>>11434380
I remember this story, anon

Still makes me laugh

It probably doesn’t count as a prabk but whatever
>4 years ago
>having retarded flatmate
>for some reason he buys a lot of mayo
>he literally use half the jar and let the rest in the fridge and buys a new one
>fridge is basically just mayo storage
>confront flatmate about his little mayo problem
>he gets angry and don’t talk to me for a week
>there is only one thing I can do
>every time I see new jar of mayo I masturbate and cum in it
>I even no fap for a week and release huge load in the jar
>flatmate starts complaining mayo smells/tastes weird
>starts buying another brand of mayo
>”yeah, that tastes great!”
Mfw he enjoyed cumayo
Mfw he swallowed ~60 loads of my cum

>>11435337
that is very gay

>>11434782
kantig

>>11433347
Hunts is for cunts

>>11434905
Holy shit, was the day manager cool with it? Did he fuck with you back?
>We also blew the trash and what not with a leaf blower one night instead of sweeping to get out of there like 30 minutes earlier.
Sometimes I miss working in food service.

One of my old bosses always used to refer to the butter we kept in a bowl at room temp as "the knob of butter." One day I sculpted it into a disturbingly realistic looking penis.

>>11433118
>capping your own post
disgraceful

>>11434923
total fucking lunatic right here lads

>>11434360
spot on.

>>11432721
>>prefer to cook solo

>>11434380
lmao. wholesome.

>>11432704
Based sociopathic poster

>>11436023
She didn't care that much. She let it slide because this night manager did the job of like 4 managers. It all went down hill when the night manager got promoted and moved to a new location in a another state. I miss working with the guy, this was before they put cameras in all the Firehouse Subs and we would smoke weed in the back after we finished everything up occasionally. We almost brought a projector in after hours for a movie night but the person with the projector never showed. Then there was the brief period when corporate changed the forks, spoons, and knives with fake chrome plated ones that would burst into shrapnel if bent too much. I've kept one of the fake chrome plated knives next to my since then in case of burglars. They got rid of them shortly after because someone claimed they found part of one in their sub. Idk though, I wasn't there when it happened.

One time when I was a kid I put an egg in the microwave and it exploded and cooked onto the walls and ceiling of the microwave. I remember my mother called me a son of a bitch and I agreed

>>11434905
what am I looking at here?

My favorite one was to throw ice cubes in fry cooks frialator next time he won’t scream at me to bring clean platters to him

>>11437247
might as well throw him into the fryer, too

>>11437003
>I remember my mother called me a son of a bitch and I agreed

>>11433118
go back to ribbit, idiot

>>11434380
How did you reseal the jar?
Or is your friend a dumbass who didn't notice jar was popped.

>>11434988
That's just mean-spirited

Share bathroom with annoying neighbor. He left his toothbrush at sink. I piss on it, real good. Enjoy your mouthwash, muuaahh

>>11437783
He thought he loosened it enough to unseal it

>>11432574
dishes will be clean as fuck tho

>>11432793
context?

>>11432480
Savage

>>11432467
https://www.nj.com/middlesex/index.ssf/2012/10/fire_chief_magic_chef_ovens_ma.html

>>11432574
My older sibling and I did this one summer while left home alone with a list of chores. We ran out of dishwasher soap and we figured this was second best. So funny. And the kitchen floors were clean as fuck after.

>cooking at friends house
>friend decides to pan sear
>grease fire happens
>tell friend to dump some water over it
>run out of house

>>11438059
But please never put out a grease fire with water.

>worked line
>Saute cook used to keep a bottle of gold Bond to powder his balls and whatnot to avoid swamp ass
>Used this constantly
>Empty gold Bond, replace w cake flour
>Mfw

>>11434296
What the fuck are you even trying to say?

>>11438070
sauce of gif

>>11432553
Bartender here, some shitty bars do that yeah.
Only dodgy thing my bar does is charge $4 for red wine we just pour out of a cask.
If you order actual alcohol everything we do is double shots and healthy guesstimates

>>11433107
Kek

>best bud lives around the corner from me
>We hang out and get drunk a few times a week after work
>He starts this game of hiding his empty cans in my house
>In the fridge, in the toaster oven, inside the toilet cistern even
>He keeps track of score by how long a can goes undiscovered
>Suddenly the game stops
>We keep drinking
>One day three months later, slight earthquake
>Hiding under table
>Fucking torrent of beer cans fall out nowhere
>Turns out he hid a couple on top of my light fixture months ago
>Kept adding more every time
>Started running out of room so put them on top of the lights and ceiling fan in every room
>Admitted that whenever he came over he kept looking up a lot and giggling
>He'd even been making light, up and vertically related puns but I never caught on
Fucking legend

>>11437207
It's the utensils, steamer markers, and other things that are needed for behind the line, intricately placed in the meatball comtainer in interwoven patterns. It's a bitch to undo.

>sister puts one of her half eaten take out foods in the fridge
>I sneak by and eat it all
pretty epic prank

>>11438456
>>One day three months later, slight earthquake
>>Hiding under table
>>Fucking torrent of beer cans fall out nowhere
fucking kek

>>11437997
Did you really think that anyone thought he was being serious?

>>11432753
costs more to feed those hens and rooter than it does for the $5 case of eggs you fag

>>11432710
Fuck off Dominic...

>>11433107
>buy identical shaker to his, he finds it and goes to put it back where the salt goes and he gets really confused when there's two
This cracked me up more than anything in that post.

>>11432232
I gaslight people all the time in the kitchen.

>>11438185
He is insinuating that his male sibling excavates a cylindrical abcess in a container of peanut butter in which he inserts his erect, throbbing member repeatedly and with great vigour until he reaches climax and as they say, "busts a nut"

> Put their dog in the oven
> next time they preheat their oven it cooks
> call them gay for cooking their dog

>>11432704
I do the same except I add in extra ingredients to help the taste do I don't have unseasoned food for 3 days

>>11434571
lmao

>>11432495
Delicious anon, please come prank me.

>>11432704
B U T
Y
T H O

>>11432793
Dem nips

>>11432955
This raises so many questions...

>>11432972
Dick ain’t gonna suck itself

>>11434296
>Not simply sticking your dick in the peanut butter

Fuck is wrong with you, kid?

>>11434380
That is one sensible chuckle right there.

I once managed to get three cows labeled 1, 2, and 4 to follow me to the roof of a mom and pop diner I worked at, I laughed as they tried to find number 3.

>>11434782
Gottem’

>>11434818
Plot twist:

>Tampon Bins from women’s bathrooms

>>11434923
The absolute madman

>>11435337
Gayest thing I read all day

>>11439026
The point was that the next person to buy eggs would get eggs with embryonic chickens inside.

>>11433107
you're just a fucking dick