/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>>11101930
My sister in law is married to a Jesus freak. He's a pompous dickhead, but everyone refers to him for the dumb prayer. Dumbcunt rambles on and on. After a few years of this shit, I head to the can at prayer time.

>>11101953
*defers

Fuck me, I'm a shitty phoneposter

My grandma's "famous crockpot bbq". Sweet fucking jesus its a legend.

She swears its her mother's recipe but everyone in the family secretly says that its been the same trash for years and definitely was not even close to the original recipe. Its literally just shredded pork with water and one healthy squirt of bbq sauce simmered for 12 hours. Essentially brown water and meat slush...

We've got clever over the years and one of us sneaks salt/pepper/seasoning shakers into a secret location. We take turns distracting her to go season our food... The other trick is putting a bunch of olives from the 'veggie tray' on top.

One year my mother got a turkey loaf for thanksgiving.

Turkey.
Fucking.
LOAF.

She never lived that down, and we still bring it up every year.

>>11101961
nah, you're just a shitty person

>>11101930
It's fucking boring with my in laws.

I don't particularly care for the food or any of them, so I just sit bored for 2-4 hours wishing I was home eating better food.

I don't have any horror stories, but god it's so fucking boring, I hate it as much as I did when I was little.

>tfw youd love to have an irritating holiday dinner instead of eating alone and drinking while watching how the grinch stole christmas

>>11102247
>you're just a shitty person

Pretty hard to argue with that.

>>11102261
>I hate it as much as I did when I was little.
How can you have in laws when you're little?
How long have you been married?

>>11101930

got way too drunk at a family bbq one year

>family members that pack "to go" containers before anyone even has seconds
>Family members packing "to go" shit at all
>Family that brings a ton of food but leaves early and takes all of it with them
>One group of the family where aunt and uncle have 7 kids, many of which have up to 4 of their own, bring 1 or 2 dishes, and feed their hoard at the get together.

>>11102237
I hate to tell you this Anon but you grew up in poverty and your parents did their best to make it seem like you where doing alright. Your poor (literally) mother could not even afford a turkey and did her best to make a nice thanksgiving for you kids and you have the gall to bring this shit up every year.

>>11102007
My grandma does the same "famous" recipe with Jello and pineapple and marshmallows... I think there's some other weird shit in there too.

>>11101930
Haven't done that shit in years, unless chinese takeout and binge drinking alone counts.

>>11103994
>holidays
>chinese takeout
Oy vey!

>>11101953
I thought the only imbeciles that prayed at meals anymore were the loony evangelicals. Instead of going to the can just start eating while the nitwit is mumbling his magical incantation.

my grandmother used to make the most amazing big family holiday meals but she has dementia now and it's been impossible to completely stop her from cooking, so now we'll just say she's the head cook and supervising what we do, let her be in the kitchen, but we'll do the cooking, which is kind of fair because we're all worse cooks than she was and following her recipes, but she seasons things and then forgets that she's done it and then seasons them again, over and over again, it's a serious problem, and we're constantly running defense on her. inevitably several dishes each year are way too salty and it gets worse every year and every time we sit down to eat she roasts the shit out of us for overseasoning the food and being shit cooks unlike her and why won't we let her be more involved.

>>11104087
My extended southern family is Christian (mostly methodist I think?) and they still say grace at big meals during holiday but it's like a 30 seconds or less thing and it's lighthearted.
Also funnily enough, when I open my eyes and look around to see who else is looking during grace, it's always my great uncle who won't close his eyes and makes eye contact. He's a now retired Navy Rear Admiral. I always wonder if his service made him disenfranchised with religion.

>>11104087
spitting in your family's face is actually not a particularly smart idea

>>11104123
hahahaha thats sad yet endearing, ur granny sounds raw

i eat alone while walking around the house or at my desk
no one in my family knows how to eat with their mouth closed or pick up food without scraping their utensils so i can’t be in the room with them

>boomer cousins over for thanksgiving
>they didn't cook
>brought fucking frozen pizzas
>uses me grans oven to heat them up
>cousins say the pizzas taking too long and start eating the normal food
>they take a bite of each side on their plate then throw the whole thing away
>everyone ends up eating the pizza when it's finished
>guests shortly leave after
>they take several plates with them
>we have nothing left over
>tfw grandmother didnt even get to eat any of her own cooking

>>11105667
>letting them walk all over you and your family while every single one of you says nothing and does nothing to intervene
You deserve it for being weak.

>>11104123
this is unironically a great idea for a film.

>>11104087

My parents aren't evangelical at all, they're the only ones in the family that are religious at all, and they still insist on praying before eating at every gathering.

We've managed to compromise with them: nobody will eat or look at their phones while the prayer is in progress, but none of us are obligated to bow our heads or pray along.

>>11102262
that sounds comfy actually

>>11102237
You are shit and deserve shit

and people wonder why each individual seems to live in his or her own bubble nowadays. there is no benefit to socializing, even with your own family, who are surest to have your back when shit goes wrong

>>11104778
Lock eyes with him and steal food from somebodies plate.
When everybody says "Amen" make sure you say it with food in your mouth.

>boneless ham
>toothpicks in the cabbage rolls being a guessing game with my moms exes family
>stuffing out of a box

>>11105692
this

>>11101930
>be me
>live in midwest
>literally entire extended family lives in western NY
>family packs up the car for a road trip
>for the 1st time since like 2002 (this was in 2010 btw) we're going to see grandma and grandpa on Christmas
>we drive 7 hours from the midwest all the way there
>we get to their house
>entire family's there, cousins, aunts and uncles
>I'm ecstatic, so are my siblings
>we all get out, and my uncle welcomes us in
>all sorts of family members greet us
>I run up to grandma
background info- she was a bitter, selfish POS her whole life
>I hug her tell her how much I love her etc. she doesn't care
>little brother walks up
>he sneezes into his elbow, and grandma goes full hypochondriac and freaks out
>she lazily kicks him away ,and everyone sees her put him on his ass and he starts bawling
>dad comes over and everyone tells him what just happened
>he tells mom to take us back to the car
>about 10 minutes later he comes out followed by my aunt and grandpa, who are begging him not to leave
>we drive straight back home that night, and I couldn't stop crying
>MFW grandpa died that January
>MFW grandma banned us from her house
>MFW I never even got to tell grandpa I loved him, ecpet for in one phone call

No one should have to go through being hated by someone they loved

>>11107278
I wonder why grandma was so bitter?
Maybe grandpa needed to punish her more.

>>11107311
grandma was a purebred Irish gobshite, and Granapa was a retired cop who found Jesus.

he never head the heart to be mean after that. and that's a damn shame.

>>11102266
We've been married a few but together for 5 years.

I mean I hate family get togethers wher eI have to leave all my toys and vidya games to be aroudn a bunch of adults as a kid. I hate it as an adult. I kinda get the feeling I'm not the only one at family events that'd rather be doing something else. I stay in contact with family I like year round. This kind of shit just seems like an obligation my wife wants to keep up .

>>11107278
retarded blogpost, but touching
i hope for the best, op

>>11107278
>hadn't seen someone for most of your life

I'm thinking you loved the idea of grandparents more than your actual grandparents.

Some people only like certain family member because they're supposed to for some odd fucking reason.

>>11107339
Not to be mean, my step grandma on my fathers side was an absolute cunt, no one likes her.

But cuz of her shit I barely saw my grandpa, he was apparently a cool dude, I liked him, but I wasn't at all sad when he died myself, I just never really knew him well.

I just didn't love people that weren't really in my life ever.

I like these threads because I have a neurosis that everyones family is better than mine.
Definitely not the case.
I'll still only cry when my mum dies though because she really did try her best, and my dad if I ever find out because I haven't seen him in 16 years but he did take me camping, fucked my shit up when I misbehaved, etc and shit at a young age so I'm not a total single mother failure.
Christmas dinners are just tragic now though. I'd rather work for free except for my mum because it's like we're the only sane ones there.

my family just cooks a jew, then laughs at the corpse

>>11107278
You're dad did the right thing, he isn't a doormat and he won't let his kids get picked on. Based.

>girlfriend and I at dinner, fancy restaurant and all that jazz
>waiter comes over and asks to order our meals as a take away for us.
Confused I say yes and he runs to the kitchen.

I think my gf is seeing someone else, evidence
>out playing gold last night, on hole 5/5, beautiful place, though somewhat small to 5 holes.
>I’m up on 4 strokes and he’s up by 2 so you know who’s winning.
>this golf cart comes driving up to me and the man asks me is this her? Showing me a photo of my girl. It is.
Chinese delivery worker was talking to me on the subway, asking me all kinds of stuff like if i knew a good place nearby where she could show me her delivery. I offered to take her behind the alley and she said yes, but I would need 150 since it was outside. We go around and there she is just sitting there on the ground like she said she would. Now you need to remember that this girl is 23, maybe 27 years old and attractive as hell in her delivery mini skirt. It wasn’t what I was expecting but needless to say I was satisfied very.

>waiter comes back in carrying two brown paper bags and practically starts shoving us towards the door, not wanting tips or money or anything.
>we’re a little scared at this point so we just leave and go home
>get home and see on the news the health inspector is in town, open the bag and it’s full of mouldy food and a note saying “thanks, we owe you one, come round when she leaves.”

Doing zombie fuckers in the gym and this scrawny kids walks up and tells me I’m doing them wrong
Grab him into a headlock and tell him that if he ever finds my wife without me knowing, I’ll admit that he knows better excersises than I do, BUT, I stipulated he must have proof -photo or voice recording- in order to believe it.

Once the girl goes home for the night I decide to see what the note means, so I hop into my car and drove off.
>now of course the car breaks down
subway station next to my and so I run and get my ticket to take the subway.

>>11105667
>wwwaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh being a host means paying for others' food
I'll never understand this line of bitching

>>11107364
What the fuck are you even trying to say? None of this is coherent anon, you must be tired.

>>11107364
anon, you shou'd post if you can't handle your drugs. What the fuck are you on about?

>>11107370
>>11107450
Seems like a bot, assembling stuff from a random collection of texts.

>>11107455
Actually it make sense, it's just not posted in order.

For many years, Christmas Eve dinner. Mother would stress out, tire as hell cooking, spaz about everything, and by the time the dinner came she'd be on hair trigger and explode in rage at tiniest thing. It ended in a row year by year. And that's just for me, her and my father.

At last one year when she began getting stressed a good week before Christmas, I got her for a serious talk. We'd much prefer a peaceful Christmas eve than a perfectly prepared dinner. Relax. Be as lazy as you wish, we'll take whatever comes out.

I got through. Store-bought cake. Foodstuffs bought from a neat restaurant. We still make the traditional borsch, together. She makes cabbage rolls if she feels like it, doesn't if she doesn't. And Christmas are awesome.

>>11107470
>storebought Christmas dinner is the best XD
burn your libraries down too, goy

>>11101930
>that feel when youve become that drunken racist uncle ranting about the jews

>>11107356
Imagine trying this hard to fit in

>>11101930
My 25th birthday, just my 3 brothers and a couple close friends and I'm bbqing a couple racks of pork ribs.
One brother invites 6 additional people who are "close friends" of his I've never heard of them and they buzz around the food without saying as much as a hello.
Instead of my brothers and my friends getting hefty plates we get little pieces of food and end up eating delivery pizza.

>>11103939
I had a client who did this but also added shredded cheese on top.
I forced a smile as I ate it so I could keep my job. I felt dirty

>>11107474
cringe

>>11107591
...the oven

>>11101953
>>11104087

>>11102262
I feel for you bro. Good tastes

>>11104087
Nah, it's pretty common on both the lutheran side of my family and the catholic side, and nobody in the family goes to church

Mind you this is just for the "big deal" meals (thanksgiving, christmas, easter, july 4th), not an everyday thing, and it's brief mumbling, nothing serious. My mom even converted to judaism and she still recycles the old roman catholic prayers because they're easier and who the hell wants to eat after listening to fucked up hebrew coughing noises, it kills the appetite

>>11107518
God damn it

>>11107769
so why did your momma turn her back on the redeemer?
did she shack up with a hebe and thought it was easier to keep the peace?

>>11107817
she grew up in a heavily catholic country and it was like the forbidden exotic religion to her. you know how suburban white girls go for buddhism and suburban white guys go for islam? it's like that. also she didn't literally convert because I'm pretty sure you can't, she just like, "considers herself jewish" or something, put up one of those scrolls, and bought a bunch of art books about the torah or whatever.

>>11107821
yeah I hear ya, fair enough

>>11101930
I heard that in black cultures they actually charge non family (and even sometimes family members) a fee to eat at the table.

Thoughts on this /ck/? Is your relatives cooking worth paying money? And if so how much?

>>11107840
>I heard that in black cultures they actually charge non family (and even sometimes family members) a fee to eat at the table.
This is because any one person in a standard black family is too poor to afford to feed more than their government-subsidized children merit in food stamps. Anything extra, like a family meal, has to be crowdfunded.

>>11107846
Why not just make everybody cook something and bring it then?

Charging your family money because you cant afford one thanksgiving meal is kinda selfish

>>11105711
No it's not.
Fucking dumbass

>>11107857
just off the reddit boat?

>>11107474
>implying you have ever set foot in a library

>>11101930
>tfw holidays are only spent with my parents and brother who I all get along with
Comfy family meals every year

>>11107345
>>11107339
I understand you completely anon!

I rarely saw my grandparents so I honestly had a myopic idea of what they actually were like. I blame media for making me think your grandparents were always supposed to be so nice, like in cartoons

>>11107840
it's called "selling plates" and it;s 100% ghetto supreme bullshit.

one of my old coworkers paid $20 to get dinner at a friends house and it consisted of all 5 Black food groups: salt, Burnt, sugar, fat and overcooked. I was floored that she actually paid to eat that slop.

>>11107364
Based
>>11107370
>>11107450
>>11107455
There's a literal schizo who posts shit like that on this board (only this one) every once in a while

>Visiting parents
>Start talking politics with them
>Explain that fishing is incredibly environmentally destructive and that I'm trying to avoid certain types
>Both get genuinely mad and act disgusted like I was a full-on hippie or something
>Dad makes fish the next night and lectures me about how we're "the top of the food chain"
>Neither of them even like fish and we'd never had it before then

>>11109443
I still follow a few people from my hometown on social media and they always post shit about this, apparently a common scheme is to (try to) turn it into a quasi-business where you buy frozen foods and sell them for a 1000% markup as "home cooking" by becoming a popular "plate joint"

>>11107840
that's more of a mexican thing and no one really sells plates of food during christmas or thanksgiving they mostly just give a plate to a friend who isn't with family or something

>>11109485
I wish White people could do this without getting raided by the police I would make a killing selling plates of food

>that one drame whore cousin who says she's suicidal and has social anxiety
>she inevitably finds some reason to pout and blame someone for it
>resulting in the whole family having petty squabbles over who's at fault

>>11109546
>That one “socially awkward” cousin who has a literal panic attack and bursts into tears and needs to leave the room for no reason
I know you supposedly can’t help it, but if this happens during any social gathering then maybe you should just not come

>>11101953
Why don't you fucking cry about it dude. Better yet, just suck it up and stop bitching about it or hiding in the toilet like a scared little girl.
>>11102007
>>11102237
Who knows why women do the shit they do.
>>11105667
Shithead cousins for sure, but I'm assuming nobody is standing up for themselves or dear old gran in your family so you brought it on yourself
>>11107278
Sad story bro, but your Dad was man enough to know you guys didn't need that in your life. Let this be a cautionary tale for when you have kids so you don't repeat their mistakes
>>11107364
Literal Down Syndrome
>>11107470
Good on ya m8. I like you
>>11107621
Wow. Your brother is a fucking asshole or a retard or some combination of the two. Probably wanna have a chat with him about it
>>11107840
>Paying actual currency for shoplifted foodstuffs
Fucking roodypoo's
>>11109470
Dad sounds cool, but why try to talk about politics to family. Almost never ends well.
>>11109546
Your entire family is at fault for letting her play the victim card. Her parents probably never made her 'cry it out'

Pretty good thread, OP.
Everyone else, your families are fucked beyond repair

>>11109579
Maybe you should tell them that

This one time my uncle's wife put a Turkey in the oven without taking it out of the packaging. We ended up having Boston Market for Thanksgiving.

I still had a good time, I saw the Matrix for the first time that night.

>>11107329
When you grow up you will found out why these things happen.

We all just get drunk while cooking traditional stuff. Hell even my 90 yo boomer diabetic alzheimers ridden grandfather gets fucked up on a couple bottles of wine. We joke about our childhood conflicts with each other, engage in good natured banter about current foibles and no one gets hurt.

>Yeah, yeah, my brother, he say to me, "Stay, brother, don't go home. We never see each other. Here, there's plenty to eat and drink. Bring your friend, too." Whenever we see each other, he never lets me go. It's always the same story. My brother, he's crazy about me. That's so... even a tramp like me, no matter what happens, I know there's a brother somewhere who'll never refuse me... a bowl of soup.

>>11109529
There's places like this I've seen in India which operate like this, whereby the place just sells one or two 'plates' or 'thalis' for a fixed, usually fairly low, price.
They're not fancy businesses, just a regular building with table, chairs, and cooking equipment. Sometime it all takes place in the same room, with just a serving counter separating customers from kitchen. Any time I seen one it was absolutely packed with customers.

Last year
>near homeless, in debt and only just found a fast-food job
>with new gf who was planning on leaving me
>first Christmas without grandpa
>casual "oh I've got cancer" from aunt
>condescending talks about how I'm to blame for all of my own problems
>mom crying because grandpa is not here
>everyone gets drunk
>I have to sit silently through all the shittalking
>can't go anywhere because we're in the middle of bumfuck nowhere and I hitched a ride with my mom
At least I got to fuck the bitch one last time before she leaves me two days later.
I think I have to "work" this year during Christmas

>>11105711
Maybe like a sub 10 minute sketch or a specific scene. It's a great story beat but it's not enough content for a movie.

>>11101953
>My sister in law is married to a Jesus freak.

So it's your brother?

>>11101930
>weekly family get together
>mom usually cooks everything except meat on the grill (dad)
>decide to be nice and make a side to help out
>make twice baked potatoes
>put parsley inside
>fat step sister won't eat them because she sees green in it
I should have known better because she doesn't eat vegetables but fuck me its a few flakes of parsley
she is 37 years old and married and meanwhile I'm tfwnogf

>>11110101
This. Wtf?

>be me
>thanksgiving or christmas, I can't remember
>everyone at my grandparents, about 20 people
>weird asexual aunt arrives with her 6 giant dogs
>based uncle wayne comes running down to the basement where we kids were playing
>"Don't eat any of your Aunt Holly's salad
>he looks wide eyed and runs back upstairs
>at dinner everyone is eating, most have salad
>i didn't touch that shit, neither did wayne
>based uncle wayne keeps making eye contact and sort of laughing
>wtfdidshedo.rtf
>after dinner he goes out to have a smoke, and I follow him out and ask him wtf happened
>"she in the middle of preparing the salad, when she said she forgot to clean the dogs anal glands and stopped right there to do it. She came back inside after a few minutes and went back to making the salad without washing her hands"
>and that's the story of the time I learned to never eat anything from my aunt holly.

>>11110101
>>11110205
It's his wife's sister's husband.

>>11110223
>forgot to clean the dogs anal glands
What does this mean?

>>11104123
>gran calls my house telling us to come over for dinner next saturday
>mom tries to convince her not to cook for us because of her brain problems
>gran insists
>we we arrive the fire department is there
she apparently fell asleep with something cooking and burned down the kitchen but since she was kinda retarded at that point she didn't put it out with her fire extinguisher and ran over to the neighbors to find out what to do and they called 911. There wasn't a lot of structural damage but we put her in a home after that. She's actually kind of lucky as she disabled all her smoke detectors since this sort of thing kept happening and she was annoyed

>>11110230
Basically some dogs have some kind of gland just inside their asshole that they use to mark their territory. On certain breeds of dog these clog up and need to be squeezed, not unlike a pimple.

This woman reached inside her dogs asshole and squeezed it's stink glands and then went back to preparing a salad.

>>11107364
Take your Haldol, schizo

>>11107518
I don't drink at family gatherings because I'm a "1 or 10" guy and from my years on 4chan I've gotten pretty casual with racial slurs and said something about sandniggers one year

>>11107821
you can convert but they're real jews about it
I tried to when i was 14. They basically don't let you unless you're marrying into the Tribe

>>11107518
I'm not particularly racist, but aside from that this is what I'm destined to become.

>>11110223
weird aunt indeed

>>11107317
Sounds like he was a good man. Hope he rests easily.

>>11107278
>Grandma is an abusive alcoholic diabetic cunt.
>We've never had a visit that hasn't ended in my mom crying
>Never hated someone so much in my life
>Finally get fed up and last visit as she's leaving I give her like 10 1.75L bottles of wild turkey
>She dies six months later

I mean she was 75 and had been a heavy drinker for most of her life so her body probably just finally gave up but I like to think I contributed at least a little bit.

>>11110288
You're fos, they let Sammy Davis, Jr. in no probs.

>>11107364
wat

>>11110042
you're going to miss your mom crying about how her sister isn't there though

If my in laws host anything I make sure to each a solid lunch beforehand because I don't know if they ever heard the concept of hors d'oeuvres or appetizers. We will sit there for hours on end until they decide it's time to cook dinner, which is usually just pasta in a meat sauce which everyone there says it's godly when it's really just jarred sauce with some browned ground beef in it. They aren't poor either, they're just extremely lazy and don't want to be bothered putting in any effort.

When my wife and I host a holiday or special occasion, I make it a point to have an overabundance of food from the time people show up to the time they leave with a bag full of leftovers, and a never-ending supply of booze from my home bar.

>>11104087
imagine being this cucked