/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>>10735733
I chopped my dog's paw off and ate it raw. Then I forced him to cuddle with me.

>>10735733
i sometimes it raw ramen as a crunchy snack

>>10735799
Jesus Christ you monster.

>>10735733
Nice try, Mr. Nigger, but there are no black Catholic priests.

>>10735733
I drop food on the floor all the time and I always eat it.

Not only do I put ketchup on my steak, sometimes I even use mustard if I'm alone.

The only water I get in my system is from beer.

I eat cheesecake almost every day.

The one time I tried sushi I threw up all over my friend who was standing next to me in his kitchen. And also, not food related but: a few days after that I accidentally ran over his dog and never told him.

I don't know why but I frequently bake weed cookies and take them to my elderly, near-senile neighbor woman who lives alone without telling her they are spiked. I sit around all day thinking about it and cackling.

I always order pizza without cheese.

I took a girl out once and dined and dashed, leaving her with the bill.

>>10735733
I think I have a tapeworm again from all the raw fish i eat
I don't want to get it removed though because it helps me keep my weight

Sometimes I jerk off and don't wash my hands before cooking.

>>10735733
passed out drunk with a pizza in the oven
my apartment stunk for 3 days

>>10735733
I lecture people online about veganism but am not a vegan. I can't even remember the last time I had a fruit or vegetable.

I tried to add a raw egg to cup noodles

>>10735815
We get lots of ministers from west Africa actually. I knew a monsenior from Ghana

>>10735830
>I even use mustard if I'm alone
What the fuck anon?

>>10735733
I masterbate every day to the thought of Sarah Palin getting blacked

I own a keurig and use it every day

>>10735830
>I eat cheesecake almost every day.
>I always order pizza without cheese.
Nigga what are you doing?

>>10735942
I love the way ketchup and mustard taste mixed.

>>10735955
I hate melted cheese.

>>10735963
There's a place where I live that puts the cheese on after they bake the pizza. It's delicious.

>>10735928
Nice.

>>10735733
I like bar-s hotdogs.

>>10735733
I've eaten donuts, chocolate bars, soda pop, hamburgers, pizza, grilled cheese, and potato chips every meal for the last 8 years. I can't make myself stop? The doctor says I'm very close to death.

I fucking hate cilantro. Every other herb or spice I thoroughly enjoy. Duck cilantro

>>10736007
How much do you weigh?

>>10736031
389 last I checked (I'm 5'10") a few months ago and I'm scared to look again.

>>10736041
I think you're too far gone, bro. Goof news is there are a lot of pervert out there who will pay you a lot of money to watch you eat. Monetize your glutinous obesity.

>>10735830
based af

>>10736066
Being watched while I eat is one of my least favorite things ever. I can't even stand having someone in the same room while I eat even if they're not looking at me. It wouldn't be worth it at all.

>>10736041
Hell I weigh 420 and am healthy. He's just trying to scare you anon.

>>10736143
Thanks, anon. I thought so. Doctors are usually alarmists. I'm honestly trying to make changes.

>>10736143
>I weigh 420
>and am healthy

>>10736143
>420 and am healthy
No you're not. You have diabetes and lymphedema.

>>10736169
Neither, just a bad thyroid and knee/back pain. Oxycodone takes care of that, and my insurance covers it.

>>10736181
>am healthy
>just a bad thyroid and knee/back pain

I post your threads on r/4chan threads like this always generate tremendous upvotes

>>10736217
It's from walking too much. I have to mow the yard once a week but I'm applying for more benefits to cover a landscaper to do it.

>>10735799
doesn't everyone? like half the kids at my school ate raw chicken noodles at 10am
not even a poor school, gotta admit it tastes good

>>10736246
walking should not hurt your knees and back like this
it does so because you are obese
lose weight and save your own body ffs

>>10736285
Due to my bad thyroid I cannot lose weight without starving.

I only ever wolf food. I don't enjoy eating slowly/normally. People comment on it but idgaf.

>>10736292
and what gave you a bad thyroid

>>10736307
Genetics

>>10735733
>I love cooking for others but 9/10 times cannot be asked to cook for myself.
>I eat chef boyardee straight from the can
>I would rather drink an $8/bottle wine from the grocery store than a $40/bottle wine from a winery.
>I can't taste most vegetables, and buying fresh fruit is too much work, so i usually end up eating 3-5 servings of an entree with no sides.
>I'm not above eating 3-day-old McDonalds because its the only thing in the house that I don't have to cook

>>10736314
>fat logic
I hope you die before your 50th BD.

>>10735733
I keep telling people here that I'm Mexican but I'm actually Guatemalan.

>>10736337
How do you fall for such obvious bait?

>>10736314
oh ok
guess it's 100% hopeless

never improve

>>10735815
There are more black catholics than white ones

i eat frozen waffles

getting just a little saliva on them to soften them up is amazing and good fuel

>>10736337
No chance. I'm 33 and healthy as a horse. Just can't move around too much is all.

I still don't know know to properly crack an egg.

>>10735733
I’m not confessing to a nigger

>>10736432
Oh and also, I tend to buy food with the intention of making multiple meals that I can freeze and save, but then I forget about them after I cook them and eat fast food.

Also I keep buying fresh fruit and forgetting to eat it. Actually I generally just forget to eat.

>>10736407
So you're healthy as a horse with no legs

I eat raw onions like apples.

I'm a useless fat sad sack of shit!

- Your average Amerilard


actually i might just be an alcoholic and a bad drunk, if i were somewhere other than my apartment now i'd likely start the fucking race war

>>10736484
I'll outlive you because I don't have to wear my body down toiling away at a factory for 40 years.

I have an escapism fantasy and spend most of my day either reading or daydreaming. So I'll only cook things that are mentioned in the book I'm reading and pretend I'm one of the characters while eating it. Now you may think this is like Binging with Babish but it doesn't always work out well.

Sometimes it works out well, after I read a Jhumpa Lahiri story I make nice Indian food and dessert.

But other times I have to look up how to make food they eat in medieval Benedictine monasteries (The Name of the Rose). When I read The God of Small Things, I drank orange juice mixed with lemon juice which doesn't sound so bad but I had to pretend to be a pedophile rapist while drinking it. That made me feel gross.

In middle school I read a series called Warriors about cats, and got my mom to feed me "mice" one day (was really just regular meat but cut up and plated over bay leaves to make it look forest-like).

>>10736610
>Jhumpa Lahiri
Ugh, are you my ex?

>>10736615
no but I am brown. her books are actually pretty good desu, read The Namesake.

Every so often I’ll go to mcdonalds and get like 8 sandwiches and a large milkshake. I weigh 150 pounds

>>10736610
Who did who pretend to be when you where reading The Name of the Rose? I only watched the movie so I hope the answer is Sean Connery or the hunchback.

>>10736700
So I don't think they talked about food too much. I remember there was a sex scene in the kitchen though, which I wanted to reenact while cooking the meal but I didn't have anyone to help me at the time.
In college my girlfriend was a big reader too and we reenacted sex scenes from If on a winter's night a traveler, Kundera novels, and more I can't recall right now.
>tfw no qt /lit/ gf anymore

Anyway I pretended to be the botanist/greenhouse guy who knew about poisons, so I made boiled beans but used a ton of alcohol to deglaze. I made bread with marijuana but it wasn't very strong, not experienced with baking so I might have messed up. And I laced the wine with a mild sedative my roommate gave me. The undersides of the cutlery were covered in edible black ink as a nod to the main plot point, which I won't expand upon in case spoiler tags doesn't work on /ck/.

I don't season any of my food, not even salt, and I much prefer the taste this way

>>10736646
So was she. I don't miss you and I don't ever think about you, ok?

>>10736941
did she cheat on you with a balding unemployed fat middle-aged man named dmitri desjardins but it's pronounced phonetically?

you deserve better anyway. she's basically the emma bovary of the 21st century.

but the coq au vin sounded pretty good

>>10736659
Ectomorphs 4 Lyf

>>10736966
Nah, aesthetically she had reasonable taste in men (see: me), but she had some unresolved childhood traumas that she'd habitually take out on every male companion in her life, but tended to blame them after the fact. Needless to say when she has the same issue with all the men in her life one starts to wonder if the problem is her, right? Well eventually I became friendly with one of her exes, got his side of the story, this completed the picture, and I decided to break things off before things went bad. Better to be the jerk who shut her out suddenly and with absolutely no warning than be branded as the "abuser" or some shit, right? I don't need women spreading that kind of garbage about me, considering I believed everything she told me initially, as did most of her friends. Why wouldn't someone? She comes off like a normal person at first.

So one day I just said "I'm busy" instead of heading over to her place as usual, blocked her on all social media, and would only text her back instead of answering her calls. She figured it out, I suppose. I have no idea what she thought my reasons were, and it's none of my concern, really. Not for me to tell her how to fix herself.

>>10736342

I'm salvadoran and when people ask me to describe what we eat i use 'mexican' as an umbrella term because it's so much easier

>>10737948
how authentic does this look?
http://www.cafeplatano.com/menu.html

>>10735733
i eat toilet paper

>>10737982
Used or fresh?

I flipped a steak more than once on a grill.

>>10737987
fresh, and sometimes used

>>10737959

There's some americanized ingredients and twists but I think it's for the best. It looks pretty authentic to me if you ignore the obvious modifications such as adding parmesan to a dish.

im not good at cooking but i like to look up recipes and ingredient prep videos online and act like i know how to make a good dish to impress people on /ck/

>>10735733
not confessing to a negro priest 2bh

>>10738197
No shit. Some dumbass pointed out that there are bushnigger Catholics but those caffers don't get in the clergy or anything.

>>10735733
I love Papa Johns and Little Caesars'

>>10736041
Just stop eating donuts and chocolate bars and soda?

If you need to eat, at least supplant it with something healthier, like flavored tea, and a payday bar or something.

Think about how much of a sack of shit with no self control you are and it should help motivate you.

I pretend to be really angry on anonymous forum for shits and giggles.

>>10736610
> I drank orange juice mixed with lemon juice which doesn't sound so bad
>but I had to pretend to be a pedophile rapist while drinking it

>>10736610
What does "pretending to be a pedophile rapist" look like exactly?

One time I mixed Kahlua, Fireball, and Malibu Coconut Rum

i made a bowl of cereal with buttercream instead of milk

>>10735799
I do this but pour the seasoning packet in my mouth while I eat the crunchies.

When I was younger and my parents got on me for eating too much, I would sneak packs of ramen noodles in my pants, go downstairs to my bathroom, turn the sink on as hot as it would go, and cook and eat ramen noodles out of my sink.

Not me but a friend for the next few stories...

My friend cooked a chicken breast that was completely covered in red pepper flakes, the pan was so hot it was like someone sprayed pepper spray. He then threw a whole stick if butter and bottle of beer in the pan

He once took 2 pounds of steak and boiled it in vinegar with ghost chilis.

Twice, he didn't cook enough moisture out of his mushroom for his beef Wellington so it came out soggy.

>>10736352
Not a lot of people realize that, but Catholics in Sub-Saharan Africa are quite devout

Shocking really

>>10735733
i needs it

>>10735733
I'm trying to do a fast, but I still occasionally eat something. Yesterday I even ate a two small bags of nuts and a can of deenz.

I'm a pretty damn good cook but I'm lazy and fairly uninspired so I gravitate towards fast food.
Mainly because my alcoholism kills most of my ambitions.

I fucking love McDonald's.

>>10740059
>>10740038
This scene. I wasn't sure whether to pretend to be the boy or the man. In retrospect I should've just made mango pickle instead, one of the characters owns a pickle factory.

“Now if you’ll kindly hold this for me,” the Orangedrink Lemondrink Man said, handing
Estha his penis through his soft white muslin dhoti, “I’ll get you your drink. Orange? Lemon?”
Estha held it because he had to.
“Orange? Lemon?” the Man said. “Lemonorange?”
“Lemon, please,” Estha said politely.
He got a cold bottle and a straw. So he held a bottle in one hand and a penis in the other.
Hard, hot, veiny. Not a moonbeam.
The Orangedrink Lemondrink Man’s hand closed over Estha’s. His thumbnail was long like a woman’s. He moved Estha’s hand up and down. First slowly. Then fastly.
The lemondrink was cold and sweet.
The penis hot and hard.

>>10740557
They have a five hundred year long history of it, from Kingdom of Kongo to now. I'd expect them to be pretty devout.

>>10735733
I tried making sushi rice this week-end
it was a disaster

>>10740971
>The penis hot and hard.

>>10735872
>not jerking off then buying groceries and touching all the fresh produce

>>10741473
>not jerking off into your hands, going to the store, and smearing it on the cucumbers in the hope of getting some whore pregnant

>>10736007
Donate the food you have to a pantry and stop buying shit. Then go out and buy rice, plain beans (meaning without the sauce), veggies, and a little bit of fruit. That way when you get hungry the only thing to eat in your house will be healthy stuff.