/ck/ - Food & Cooking

My grandmother was one of those hyper neurotic, narcissistic psychopathic sexless weirdos who's husband smacked her around and you honestly thought "yeah she probably deserved it".

She would mix ammonia and bleach and vinegar when cleaning the house, something she did nonstop because she was ocd. She would also wash clothes without any detergent and would never ever throw away disposable cleaning cloths. She would literally wash them with the clothes.

Anyway, she learned to cook by working in a nursing home, so her philsophy was to cook it as fast as possible with minimal prep. Here are some abominations I've seen ...

1. She once managed to somehow burn the outside of some porkchops while leaving the inside frozen COOKING THEM IN THE OVEN. My grandfather and her sat there literally chomping at the raw cores like dogs for nearly 30 minutes before giving up.

2. She once burnt the outside of a roast chicken while simultaneously leaving 40% of the interior completely uncooked. She just carved off the parts she thought were cooked enough and served that without telling anyone. We all got horrific infections in our throats for a couple of days.

3. She would, for some reason, only offer people butter knives when serving steak.

4. I once tried to teach her how to make French bread pizza, something so simple a child couldn't fuck it up, and she forgot to put olive oil on the bread crust and overcooked it to the point where it was about as stiff as a brick.

5. I once saw her pan oil catch fire. She turned the heat UP and then filled a large glass of water and threw it at the oil. My father was luckily there and pulled her face away from the pan before it exploded.

6. She loved to cook sausages but would virtually never cook them properly. They would always taste like snot.

Whenever we ate there we would have to essentially carefully chew or lick the food to determine if the part we just forked was going to kill us or not.