/ck/ - Food & Cooking

I have nothing against vegans. I have nothing against vegetables. But there are limits. Celery is a cruel mockery of food. Smells like grass, tastes like bitter grass, and contributes nothing to the enjoyment of life.

But "Oh", you say, "it has zero calories! You can eat all you want!"

Eating absolutely none of it satisfies the latter condition. And in order to stomach it, you have to add something that actually HAS flavour to it such as cheese or peanut butter, which invalidates the first condition.

You know what I'd rather have than celery with cheese? Cheese.

You know what I'd rather have with celery with peanut butter? Peanut butter.

I don't want it in a salad where, at best, it provides a little crunch. Using fresh ingredients keeps a salad crunchy, and if you want to add more vegetal crunch, there's water chestnuts.

I don't want it in a soup where it serves merely as a placeholder where a real ingredient could have lived, like a bit of carrot, a pea, or a bit of chicken. Tossing something watery into something watery just makes the less watery thing more watery. Nasty.

And no, Dr. Brown, I don't want celery "flavour" in a soda. I'd try it once though out of pure horrific curiosity. I'm just not sure I'd actually waste money on the "privilege", since I've seen it in stores and have failed to try it so far.

I am so exceedingly ungrateful for celery, you can't even imagine.