>>10449093
Not good at talking with people, but I'll try
I've been suicidal before. First it was the thought of how sad my mother would be if I died that kept me alive. I could never do that to her. At one point, through research, I found something else: I was (/am, not suicidal anymore but still MDD) ill. I don't know if it's depressions or something else/more than that with you, but it's an illness. It's not you. It feels like it would be the best thing for you to die or just don't exist anymore, but that's not you talking. That's an illness, and that are probably just hormones not doing their job.
Not directly related, but hear me out: I used to be on birth control non-stop for ~1 year to treat insufferable pain, and it changed me as a person. I had to stop taking it or else I would have gone mad. I was a completely different person while taking these pills, because they fucked up my hormones. I couldn't recognise myself.
Your illness does the same thing to you. You're not a pure soul and personality, you are also flesh, blood, and chemicals, and yours are fucked up right now.
So do what you do when you're ill - see a doctor. If you find a shit one at first, find a different, better one. You're fucking worth it.