I didn't say people only commit suicide because they wanted to die. But the other reasons are generally impulse, which is the biggest reason. They see a chance to stop the pain at a moment there is nothing to look forward to, and out of input they take it. They don't really want to kill themselves. They indeed just want the pain to stop. It's simply a fact its mostly an impulse. Which is why taking away easy changes lowers suicide raters a lot. If its thought trough these people generally don't try commit suicide, but it's hard to think it trough when you're emotions are like that.
I was just trying to state that a) OP didn't really want to die. And b) it's not the same thing to do suicide because you actually want to die or because your caught in emotions and saw this chance you took by impulse.
I know people who actually want to dye. Some aren't even depressed now. It hurts to see them like that but I can't stop it really. It's not the same. And if you don't want to die, there are, even when it seems like there aren't, options. I remember thinking of suicide so often, and simple hope kept me going. Hope one day it would be better, and I didn't even know happiness. But after 17 long years of pain hope came true and I'm glad I never did it. I hope OP also gets that moment when things get better.
Sorry, I had a rough day. I must have come off way to hash and mean. I didn't mean it bad, but I can understand I did come off that way because my mood was horrible and I get a really bad tone then. Just remember OP. No matter how hopeless and how much it hurts. As long as you life things can get better and suicide can always be done later, but once you do suicide there is no way back to find happiness anymore. Death is endless and without happiness, pains and depression might very well not be no matter how it feels. Kling to the little things and someday, a chance for the better might come. Even far after you gave up and that chance.