/cgl/ - Cosplay & EGL

>make friends online, even start an online relationship, all with very accepting weebs who share my hobbies
>girl I dated was into cosplay and thought loli would be cute on me, encouraged me to buy my first and only dress (spoiled cats)
>feel frustrated by how basic and attention whorish she actually is, how much she lies all the time and how she treats people like condoms (one use only)
>grow to hate everyone which happens every time, want to be alone
>blow off my friends and eventually ghost them, break up with my LDR
>watch anime and read manga and mentally live in a maladaptive daydreaming fantasy, never buy more dresses and never wear my dress
>lonely because I made it that way

What the fuck is wrong with me?
Why do I push away people who would accept me as the loser I am and feel disgust toward them? I'm very accepting but when people get too close or admit feelings for me, something just switches off and I feel disgust. I see people with their friends and read manga about big friend groups saving the world and stuff, but I never like anyone that much, or connect with them. If I try to, it gets worse and I run back to the comfort of being lonely. I am scum and I want to die