/cgl/ - Cosplay & EGL

>incredibly anxious, like to a ridiculous degree
>still go to cons anyway
>still want to talk to people and befriend people
>absolutely terrified about the possibility of, well, pick:
>me being a bother
>me being a creep somehow
>me sperging out
>me not understanding social cues
>me overstaying any welcome

I just ask people for their pictures then I leave. They're there to enjoy themselves after all, and I'm 100% in belief that if I try to talk to people further like how the con is going or about what they're cosplaying, I'd be creeping them out or bothering them.
Why? This scene is full of creeps. And even then, you always hear it on the daily about how men are evil and to watch out for certain men and how we're all fucked up. I want to say this whole thing has completely damaged my (nonexistent) self confidence even further because I absolutely do not want to be seen as a creep, but I wouldn't be the victim here.
Part of me is yelling at me in a deafening voice that I deserve this, and a smaller part of me that refuses to die says no, you just want to befriend people and maybe even find a partner just like anyone else. I know for a damn fact that I'm not entitled to anyone's time and definitely not their affection yet this is at odds with the part of me that DOES still want it. How do I kill that part?

Cosplaying is fun.

There's a con coming up soon and I'm not really... feeling it. I'm not that excited for it. It'll be the same as usual. I go and cosplay, don't feel too confident about myself, then struggle with two sides: one side that should be complacent and content with the lack of attention I'd get, and the other side that shouldn't be and should want more. I acknowledge the latter and ultimately just finding a purpose in life and actually doing stuff would get me out of my slump, but it's a matter of actually getting out of that slump to begin with.

Just... seeing other people who seem to be happy and fulfilled and have purpose. I see other people who are way more confident with themselves, cosplay all sorts of cool stuff, they're driven, ambitious, and keep at it. Knowing that I'm nothing like them... I guess that's what's bringing me down.

Of course other people are probably not truly happy and they've got their issues, I don't doubt that. But still. Who knows if I'll go to that con. I'll probably just go, try to enjoy myself, then end up hating myself until the next con. That's the cycle I live in. I kind of want to die, but I realize that doing that would probably maybe hurt some people. I just have nothing to live for. But nothing to die for I guess. Maybe there's an escape to this cycle that doesn't involve death. I don't think I'd kill myself. Probably too much of a hassle. At worst I'll just be stuck in this sort of purgatory until I figure out my life, start being more confident and start actually doing shit. Until then... I'll just keep being useless, I guess.