/cgl/ - Cosplay & EGL

i left my homestate for about 2 years but i just moved back, thinking about my ex again even though i know i shouldnt. we talked sporadically during the time i was gone and things got messy and god we're just awful for eachother, but its one of those things that even though it always ends bad when we talk, its reeeeally good up until that breaking point. shes diagnosed severe adhd and things get difficult because i dont deal well with people who cant focus or take advice when shit is important (ie; a relationship) and obviously her adhd doesnt allow her to focus well. also everyone in my friend group hates her and so if we started chatting again itd have to be under wraps and then if someone found out then everything would go to shit. its such a bad situation because i know we suck for each other and me contacting her again would only end in more terrible bullshit but a small part of me still wants to. i have terrible fantasies and urges sometimes to start seeing her again and get her pregnant (i know she'd let me, even longer story), just so we'd be forced to get married and raise some sort of shitty family together. i think that bit is just because its so "taboo" that its appealing, the whole forbidden fruit kind of appeal. im just lonely and getting weird because ive been single a long time and she's someone i know i could pick right up where i left off with, i really just need to make some new friends here in town and find someone else to get my mind off it. i know itd be easy to do that once i found a distraction, theres no love there only lust. i made a tinder but got no matches in a week and i swiped through everyone in the area... anyway sorry for the long incoherent rant i just needed to type this shit out into the ether. if any MI qt wants to help me get back on track hmu, im not as broken as i sound i promise lmao