/cgl/ - Cosplay & EGL

Gulls help me on this one. can't even tell my friends because of how ashamed i feel.
Sorry for the non cgl related wall of text but i need to get this out of my chest:
I am lesbian or at least pretty sure i am. Boys and dicks just don't make me feel comfortable like a girl does (despite never having even seen a dick for real). Had two boyfriends before in my teenage years and I felt a gut wrenching feeling when i would see them irl and kiss them.like an uncomfortable version of that "butterflies in the tummy" sensation.
I was and am still too scared to fuck for real (i can't even stick a finger down and it already hurts). Had one gf and it felt comfy (she was abusive but i learned valuable things and had good moments).
Lately I met some dude on /soc/ when i went there out of sheer curiosity. His voice was pretty hot and even though he was really far from hot his voice made me feel so weird, and i began to feel something. I saw him as a friend and we had fun times until i learned he had feelings for me/fapped twice when we talked (he had audios of him doing things already but oh man i wasnt ready for that). Once i was feeling peretty hot and did.it along.but it felt embarassing and i just kinda cut ties.
And I had times where I fantasized about hugging him,sleeping next to him and such things or even lewder once. I even enjoyed hearing him telling me how stunning.i was.and how i made him feel so hot (but apparently he would say that to all the girls he fapped with on skype) I feel terribly lost. I still love girls, watch lesbian porn (and very occasional straight porn) and thinking about having a true real relationship with a dude makes my stomach turn upside down yet i have these fantasies. Doesnt help i'll be going to his state next week and feel like i'll see him or be reminded.of him constantly.
I finally came to term with the fact that i was a dyke years ago i can't deal with all these confusing feels and i wanna cry my eyes out thinking bout all that.

>get into overwatch hype bc of fanartists I follow
>read the game lore and fall in love with one of the characters
>friend says "anon you don't even play the game!! you aren't a 'true fan'!!"
>believes friend has a valid point but wary about buying it bc I'm awful at shooting games
>buys it anyway
>friends that have the game join me
>all of them are salty players that yell at me bc I can't 'git gud' (even though I just started)
>establish that I'm as bad as I thought I would be
>discouraged from playing bc of salty friends
>still like the same character even though I'm awful at playing them
>tfw I got bullied into buying a game just to get the title 'true fan'

> Wanted to work at one fabric store for so long
> Finally got hired
> Dream come true
> Three weeks later, boss says my hours don't work for them
> Will keep me on call if they need me in emergency

> MFW no more 40 percent discount off all the fabric
> MFW most fun job in your life (tied with other current job) is taken away

>be 3 years out of college, working shitty retail job to pay the bills
>apply for job in Japan
>lose job, plan to move back in with my parents because apartments are expensive
>get interview for japan job
>awesome, won't have to live with parents for that long
>travel to nyc for interview
>superconfident.jpg
>move back home immediately after returning
>waiting is hell, but still hopeful
>get letter in the mail: didn't get the job
>tfw stuck with parents with no job for who knows how long

Guys halp. I live on a literal island now. The nearest fabric store is a 2 hour ferry ride away. wat do