/cgl/ - Cosplay & EGL

Confession time for ./cgl/.

I have to get it out of my chest gulls it's killing me everyday and i can't stand it anymore i'm so tired of crying myself to sleep like an idiot every night.
Let me explain (if it bothers you to read i put a tldr at the end)
I was born a girl, and love lolita fashion and cutesy stuff, i used to wear it but felt even more ugly wearing it and compared myself to all the kawaii girls online and felt even worse (i have body dysmorphia and all i see is a man face a ugly average size body, a potato nose and huge dark circles/bags/eyefolds/... due to all this mental ilness crap making me mentally tired, i can drink as much water and sleep as much as i want they won't disappear, but will get better only if i am truly feeling happy and well on rare days) So I quitted it all and
putted on a "kawaii uke" persona and also got confused about my own gender (now just says i'm queer and i have no pronouns or anything but it sounds so "annoying tumblrina" i rarely ever says it). I still feel ugly and like shit but less, i even tried wearing makeup but i just feel even more shit with it for some unknown reason like it's all flaky.I take a huge care of my skin, i am obsessed with my appearance and even cry over my reflection in the mirror, i am currently getting help. But i can't help but feel incredibly jealous when i look at you all and all those "ulzzang" and "popular tumblr girls" or even pretty guys, everyone seems to be pretty in real life and cute with a nice faceshape, even without the shoop they look nice and "better than me". I just feel like shit all the time and i can't deal with it anymore, i want to dare to be more feminine too i am so scared to be feminine again because i feel even more ugly and i compare myself even more.
>tldr: i feel like total shit and am stuck into that "kawaii uke persona" from fear of being a cute frilly girl since i feel even more shit as a girl and compare myself all the time