/cgl/ - Cosplay & EGL

>>7188736
Scared, sad, and embarrassed.
I have class tomorrow and we have a giant final project coming up soon, which I haven't done much work on, plus a giant extra credit assignment because I missed three assignments because of my anxiety the past month. I have to wake up really early in the morning tomorrow to get on the train because I commute to uni and get back at dark. Then later this week is Thanksgiving where I have to interact with one crazy uncle and one shitty uncle, and then do Black Friday with my crazy mother so I won't get any sleep and my depression symptoms get worse when I don't sleep. The final project is due on Dec 4th so I need to try to squeeze in work time during the upcoming weekend regardless of being away from home. I feel fucking awful. There's a lot riding on this because it'll be the first class I finish after enduring two mental breakdowns and dropping previous classes, resulting in F's for the semester. I'm just really scared right now and honestly lolita is making me more stressed. I start getting down on myself for having these nice things that I feel I don't deserve because I'm not good enough. I try putting nice coords on my dress form and looking at them so I have something pretty and inspiring to see each morning while I get ready for the day, but it's just been making me feel worse, like "this looks ridiculous, you would look ridiculous if you went out in public like this. everything else about you is shitty so there's nothing even about yourself that makes up for looking like a freak".
I think I need to raise my antidepressant dose right now before this gets even worse. I know I'm digging myself into a deeper mental hole and the only way to fix it is to just WORK and DO THIS PROJECT to get it over with, but I'm so afraid of failure that I don't even want to start, you know? Like I don't even want to realize it's there and it's real, so I don't acknowledge it.

I should probably talk to someone before I screw up again.