/cgl/ - Cosplay & EGL

My confidence has been so low lately, like it's been shot. I'm getting more anxious (or well what I perceive to be anxiety).

How does one know if you've befriended someone? I messaged a cosplayer the other night just to chat about shared interests and... I can't help but feel like it was a pointless endeavor. Or maybe I'm just expecting too much. Like maybe I should go into this thinking "alright let's talk to them but if nothing comes of this oh well". Maybe I'm overthinking. I overthink a lot. I don't want to creep people out. I just want to befriend people. But then I think "well people already HAVE friends and i'm just a stranger" or I think "they probably get hit on or get creepy messages all the time what's the fucking point"

My mind and my heart is a fucking mess. I don't know what to do. I want to socialize and have good, strong friendships and maybe get into a relationship and enjoy myself but I'm terrified of everything blowing up in my face or me fucking things up or burning more bridges and messing up even more. I'm... so alone, and scared. I can't like... disconnect or detach myself from my fears. I feel everything at once and I worry too much for my own good and I... hate it. I hate myself so much.

I go to these cons to try and befriend people but I'm so terrified of messing up, and at the same time, I don't want anyone to know or see my weaknesses. Nor do I want to bother anyone. I kind of just want the next con to come already so I can forget about it after and then go back to being a recluse. Then be bitter that I'm lonely. Then fucking wring myself through this eternally vicious cycle.

I feel like I obsess with wanting to do cute shit with someone. Couple cosplays, hell, just being with someone in general.

I get it. These things take time. I should probably learn to love myself, but I don't. I fucking hate myself. But that's besides the point. The idea that I really want to be with someone and do nice things with them has...
probably poisoned me.