/cgl/ - Cosplay & EGL

If I'm at a con... I see a really cute cosplayer, maybe they're cosplaying my waifu or one of my favorite characters. I can admire, ask for their pic, but I have zero confidence and I can't bring myself to talk to them after even though I would really WANT to. I always fear I'm not worth anyone's time and that I'm just gonna bother people, even though this mindset I acknowledge is unhealthy. After all, simply admiring or having the desire to talk to someone means NOTHING if they do not feel the same way. And often times... they don't.

I'm so used to no one being interested in talking to me. I'm not used to anyone taking a genuine interest in me or hearing what I want to say because it just... doesn't happen. I'm not used to hearing my name being called. I'm terrified of getting close to people because I've fucked up the relationships I've been in and I always fear I'm fucking up whatever friendships I've got now. No one really responds to any message I send either, which leads me to believe that I simply haven't earned people's time or attention, and I most certainly haven't earned anyone's affection. I know I have to earn it. And I haven't. Sitting here bitching about it isn't gonna do much, but if people aren't responding to me... I must have done something wrong.

I just wanna go to cons and find friends and have fun and not be... like this. I want to be able to just chat up cool cosplayers or even cute or attractive cosplayers and have the confidence to actually... be. Instead I'm just a completely anxious wreck who desires closeness but fears it at the exact same time. I'd go to cons and maybe ask to take pictures of people but not have the guts to carry out conversations. I know I have to work on being more interesting and being better but... I feel like it's impossible to gauge how much better I've become because I'll ALWAYS feel the need to want to be better.

I don't know. I'm rambling, I'm lonely, and I have no where to turn to.