Bed time story

[Anonymous No.8975194]

Once upon a time in a timeline much like our own lived Wagie Wojak. He gets up at 6:00am, eats a bowl of oatmeal with a cup of instant coffee. At 7:30 he serves breakfast at McDonalds. From 11:00am, he begins serving lunch. At 12:30 he gets a free lunch. He gets a Big Mac with large fries for himself and prepares an order for his friend.
A year ago, Wagie Wojak noticed the same guy would come to eat at McDonalds every day, at the same time, and always ordered the Big Mac with extra Special Sauce. The man loved the Big Mac Special Sauce and always asked for 3x. He orders two extra Big Macs and scrapes off the sauce to dip the fries in for one, and with the other he puts the extra sauce in his Oreo McFlurry. Whenever the man came to Wojak’s counter, Wojak would secretly give him 5x the sauce.
Wojak became friends with the Man. They would have lunch together. Wojak never learned more about what the man worked on or what his name is. He would just call himself Big Mac.
Today, at 8:00pm Wojak continued to work.
“Working late on New Years Eve?” Said Big Mac.
“I don’t have anywhere to go. I didn’t get a girlfriend again this year,” said Wojak. His skin pinkened as was normal.

[Anonymous No.8975201]

“It’s okay Wojak. You will get one,” said Big Mac.
“How?” Wojak turned angrily and grabbed the man by the collar. He had never turned his hand against the gentle Big Mac man but today was especially painful. On the last day of the year, he felt poorer and lonelier than ever.
“How can you expect me to get a girlfriend? I have never had a girlfriend!” Tears of blood streamed down his face. “My shitty car is 10 years old and I work at McDonalds!”
“It will be alright Wojak. I love McDonalds,” said Big Mac.
“Shut up Big Mac! You don’t understand! I was supposed to make it. I waited all year! You don’t know what true disappointment is,” Wojak began to scream in his native tongue. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
Quickly the Manager dashed around the corner. “Mr. Wojak! You better stop right now.”
“I was supposed to be rich! I was supposed to leave this job!” Wojak’s hair flamed like in DBZ, except into JUST’d hair.
“Mr. Wojak! You better unhand that customer right now or you’re fired!”

[Anonymous No.8975214]

“Do you understand what it’s like to be betrayed by someone you trusted? How all of your hopes dashed? Every day I waited. I sacrificed. I accumulated. For what? I’m going to end it all tonight!” Wojak began beating up the customer. Big Mac did not fight back.
The manager dashed in and grabbed Wojak to stop him. “Mr. Wojak I’m going to have to report you to the police. You are clearly a danger to yourself.”
“I’m going to end it all! Fuck this gay Earth! I’m going to market sell all my LINK at midnight!”
The police arrived and dragged Wagie Wojak out of the store.
“It was supposed to be 1000 EOY! 1000!” Wojak screamed.
After the police talked to him, they found that he did not mean he was going to kill himself but just market sell this “LINK.” They were worried about Wojak’s well being and gave him a suicide hotline number just in case.
“That won’t be necessary,” Wojak said. For it will be too late.

[Anonymous No.8975222]

[Anonymous No.8975232]

By the time Wagie Wojak was released from the police station, it was 11:00pm. He walked towards his apartment, hearing laughter and partying all around. Dejectedly, he checked his portfolio.
Just like yesterday and the day before that, LINK was still $5.00.
“They told me I was delusional,” Wojak thought. “I should be lucky if we even got $5 or $10 EOY.”
He went to his local Wal-Mart to get alcohol. They detained him at the checkout counter.
“I’m sorry sir we don’t sell alcohol after 11:00pm.”
Wagie Wojak didn’t believe them. He wanted to check the rules online but there was no signal inside Wal-Mart.
“Okay.” Wojak sighed. He went to go find bleach.
All of a sudden, he heard a deafening explosion. Wojak fell to his knees. The floor shook violently.
Wojak scrambled away just as the ceiling caved in behind him. He followed the screaming crowd outside.
“What is that?” Someone pointed.
“It’s the green dildo!”
“It’s come!”
Wojak squinted his eyes at the bright green light piercing the sky.
A blue and white Lamborghini sped through the crowd and pulled up to Wojak.
“Get in Marine!”
“Who are you?”

[Anonymous No.8975254]

“I’m a brigadier General, I’m taking all the marines to Lamboland!” The man shouted, pointing at the green light.
“Lamboland is a real place? I thought it was just a metaphor.”
“Oh, it’s real alright.”
Wojak got in and they drove off. He heard gunshots going off in the distance and he saw buildings collapsing.
“What’s going on?”
“The noLinkers are killing themselves.” Streets and windows were painted with blood. “Old money and old buildings cannot support The Fourth Industrial Revolution.”
At the stop light, a man jumped onto the hood of the car.
“I KNOW YOU HAVE LINK! I’ll give you $500 for it!”
Five hundred? Wagie Wojak opened his phone to check the price.
“Back off noLINKer! You had your chance!”
The general floored the pedal. The phone read 12:08am. Wagie Wojak looked up just as his noLINKer Wojak turned a critical shade of red and exploded.
He opened Delta to check the LINK price but the app crashed as soon as he tried to open it.
“Your phone can’t handle the singularity.”
NoLINKer Wojaks were no longer killing themselves - they were exploding into a river of blood right on the streets.
At the next light, a young woman ran up and pounded on the window.
“Wojak! It’s me, Stacey!” She pounded on the window. “What’s going on? Let me in!”

[Anonymous No.8975271]

Wagie wojak looked for the button to roll down the window.
“Take no one with you,” Said the General.
“But she’s my oneitis!” Wagie Wojak said.
General slapped Wojak’s hand from the handle.
“Where we’re going, she’s a 1/10.” The General sped up. Wagie Wojak watched her in the rear view mirror for a while, then saw her walk off with a pathetic noLinker.
At the third light, a man came up to the window. He was not a wojak.
“Son, I am prepared to offer you $700 for a LINK! I am buying 100,000 my good sirs.” The rich normie smiled confidently. He knocked on the window for General to let him in.
$700? Wagie Wojak searched for his wallet. He had so much LINK it wouldn’t hurt to sell just a little.
“Fuck off! We’re not selling,” the General flipped him off and drove off.
As they picked up more marines on the way towards the giant green dildo, Wagie Wojak heard normies and noLinkers in the streets:
“$900! Limit buy 100 LINK for $900!”
“Market buying LINK! Market buy oh God please let my buy go through!”
“The exchanges are crashing!”
“Please, I’ll pay you in cash, just give me some LINK.” A normie grabbed a marine in the streets.
The General got out of the lambo and punched him. The other marine quickly got into the lambo with them.
“How much is a LINK worth now? I have to know!” Wagie asked.

[Anonymous No.8975286]

He saw a LINK live price ticker on the dashboard. The General smashed it. “You can’t be tempted.”
Wagie heard cries outside the window. “$1,100 for a LINK!” “I’ll pay $1,500 for a LINK!”
The General turned up the music.
What’s going on? Wasn’t the singularity a meme? Wasn’t it supposed to only reach $1,000?
General drove faster.
They arrived at the green dildo. It’s beam of pure heavenly light guided them. At its base was an incredible rocket ship. LINK marines were standing outside in a line. Wojak looked up, awestruck. It was as if all the CGI artists from Marvel and Pixar had fused into one super being and created it from their flesh.
Wagie Wojak got out of the car. There weren’t many Marines here. The General was right, there isn’t enough space on the ship to have taken Stacey and all the other people with them. Heavily armed guards let Wagie through as they kept the normies back.
They stood outside the spaceship in confusion, in excitement. Waiting.

[Anonymous No.8975299]

M8, how many people does this lambo seat?

[Anonymous No.8975303]

Wojak looked up at the door.
“Give us your Wagies, your NEETs and your unifags. Give us the kissless, the handholdless, and the virgins.”
The air was still.
In the distance, a figure came towards them.
“It’s Sergey!” The crowd erupted into cheer. “He’s come to take us to Lamboland!” “It’s the pilot!” Wagie’s heart quickened...
There he stood.
Big Mac man.
“Big Mac!” Wagie cried out.
Big Mac man still had a black eye from where Wagie punched him. Wagie ran up to Sergey. “Do you forgive me for punching you?” Wagie said. “Please take me to lamboland with you. I’m sorry!”
“My son, today you are with me in Lamboland.” Sergey touched Wagie Wojak’s shoulder and Wojak transformed into a brilliant green Wojak. His mortal McDonalds uniform coil fell away. Sergey walked through the crowd. He had the key to the spaceship. The cheering from the marines intensified, the wailing of those left outside grew louder.
“The few. The proud. The LINK marines.”
“1000 EOY!”
“We’re not selling!”
Someone began to say, “Tonight. Tonight. Tonight.” And they stomped in unison.
“Tonight!”
“Tonight!”
“Tonight!”
“TONIGHT!”
Sergey opened the spaceship doors and turned around to face the crowd.
“Strap in, boys.”

[Anonymous No.8975321]

>>8975299
Lmaooo

[Anonymous No.8975333]

>>8975299
Shit delet this

[Anonymous No.8975359]

>>8975333
Sorry. It's a great bedtime story, anyway.

[Anonymous No.8975392]

>>8975303
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
That ending was absolutely epic anon.
As good a pasta as Ive ever seen.

So many good lines
>Wojak’s hair flamed like in DBZ, except into JUST’d hair.
>“Lamboland is a real place? I thought it was just a metaphor.”

[Anonymous No.8975418]

>>8975333
Wtf wheres the ending gone

[Anonymous No.8975466]

>>8975418
Rewrote the lambo part lmao

(Cont’d)
Wagie wojak looked for the button to roll down the window.
“Take no one with you,” Said the General.
“But she’s my oneitis!” Wagie Wojak said.
General slapped Wojak’s hand from the handle.
“Where we’re going, she’s a 1/10.” The General sped up. Wagie Wojak watched her in the rear view mirror for a while, then saw her walk off with a pathetic noLinker.
At the third light, a man came up to the window. He was not a wojak.
“Son, I am prepared to offer you $700 for a LINK! I am buying 100,000 my good sirs.” The rich normie smiled confidently. He knocked on the window for General to let him in.
$700? Wagie Wojak searched for his wallet. He had so much LINK it wouldn’t hurt to sell just a little.
“Fuck off! We’re not selling,” the General flipped him off and drove off.
As they headed towards the giant green dildo, Wagie Wojak heard normies and noLinkers in the streets:
“$900! Limit buy 100 LINK for $900!”
“Market buying LINK! Market buy oh God please let my buy go through!”
“The exchanges are crashing!”
“Please, I’ll pay you in cash, just give me some LINK.” A normie grabbed a marine in the streets.
The General got out of the lambo and punched him.
“How much is a LINK worth now? I have to know!” Wagie asked.

[Anonymous No.8975478]

He saw a LINK live price ticker on the dashboard. The General smashed it. “You can’t be tempted.”
Wagie heard cries outside the window. “$1,100 for a LINK!” “I’ll pay $1,500 for a LINK!”
The General turned up the music.
What’s going on? Wasn’t the singularity a meme? Wasn’t it supposed to only reach $1,000?
General drove faster.
They arrived at the green dildo. It’s beam of pure heavenly light guided them. At its base was an incredible rocket ship. LINK marines were standing outside in a line. Wojak looked up, awestruck. It was as if all the CGI artists from Marvel and Pixar had fused into one super being and created it from their flesh.
Wagie Wojak got out of the car. There weren’t many Marines here. The General was right, there isn’t enough space on the ship to have taken Stacey and all the other people with them. Heavily armed guards let Wagie through as they kept the normies back.
They stood outside the spaceship in confusion, in excitement. Waiting.

[Anonymous No.8975500]

Wojak looked up at the door.
“Give us your Wagies, your NEETs and your unifags. Give us the kissless, the handholdless, and the virgins.”
The air was still.
In the distance, a figure came towards them.
“It’s Sergey!” The crowd erupted into cheer. “He’s come to take us to Lamboland!” “It’s the pilot!” Wagie’s heart quickened...
There he stood.
Big Mac man.
“Big Mac!” Wagie cried out.
Big Mac man still had a black eye from where Wagie punched him. Wagie ran up to Sergey. “Do you forgive me for punching you?” Wagie said. “Please take me to lamboland with you. I’m sorry!”
“My son, today you are with me in Lamboland.” Sergey touched Wagie Wojak’s shoulder and Wojak transformed into a brilliant green Wojak. His mortal McDonalds uniform coil fell away. Sergey walked through the crowd. He had the key to the spaceship. The cheering from the marines intensified, the wailing of those left outside grew louder.
“The few. The proud. The LINK marines.”
“1000 EOY!”
“We’re not selling!”
Someone began to say, “Tonight. Tonight. Tonight.” And they stomped in unison.
“Tonight!”
“Tonight!”
“Tonight!”
“TONIGHT!”
Sergey opened the spaceship doors and turned around to face the crowd.
“Strap in, boys.”

[Anonymous No.8975503]

>>8975286
>It’s beam
Broke my immersion

[Anonymous No.8975617]

>>8975466
so fucking good

[Anonymous No.8975657]

>>8975500
And kek ended it on dubs. $1000 eoy, amen.

Thank you anon.

[Brigadier General Damu !!6rIK3ka6TND No.8975690]

>>8975254
GET IN MARINE

[Anonymous No.8975808]

Can't believe I actually read the whole fucking thing. You have to admit though this form of autism is contagious it put a smile on my face fucking hell.

[Anonymous No.8975856]

So when do we start analysing this? I like the strong resonance with Atlas Shrugged
in many ways the tale of Wagie Wojack is the book it could have been

[Anonymous No.8975921]

Best thread I have read on biz in a long time.

[Anonymous No.8975952]

I have 2000 link SOLEY so I can be in on the memes. I feel you’re not a real part of the /biz/ community if you’re a nolinker. Well done OP this is our future.

[Anonymous No.8975958]

Haha i had a tear in my eyes; i sold my 4k link at 1.2 though; still Waiting to buy back

[Anonymous No.8976002]

excellent i will have a vivid dream of this tonight

sweet dreams fellow links

[Anonymous No.8976019]

Ultimately, there are truly and only two races - linkies and nolinkers.

[Anonymous No.8976023]

Here's a better story in every way. It's reasonable length, it's funnier, more intelligent, so naturally it belongs to a coin far superior to DogshitLink.

[Anonymous No.8976028]

>>8975952
10k link is the minimum if you want big mac to let you on the spaceship to lamboland i believe

[Anonymous No.8976041]

>>8976023
please keep your weird and creepy coin out of our safe space

[Anonymous No.8976042]

>>8976023
Meant to post this. Piece of shit.

[Anonymous No.8976052]

Fucken amazing bed time story anon

[Anonymous No.8976072]

LINK, the gift that keeps giving