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225980 No.225980[DELETED]  [Reply] [Original]

TO ALL RESUMEFAGS, AND ANYONE WHO WANTS A JOB IN GENERAL

This should be obligatory to read before anything:

http://www.slideshare.net/markrotoole/congratulations-graduate-eleven-reasons-why-i-will-never-hire-you

>> No.225998
File: 36 KB, 340x316, 1356096367188.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
225998

Bump, I'm saving you guys a shit ton of hassle by getting a concise guide on how to git gud for job hunting.
When I read it all I could think is "/biz/ tl;dr edition"

>> No.226011

holy fuck why is that a slideshow with 4 words per slide i dont need those fancy ass pictures in 81 slides to convey what is probably a 4 paragraph essay this shit is one big graphic design jerkoff session

>> No.226016

>>226011
to appeal to all dem hip teens bruv

>> No.226020

>>226011
http://deslide.clusterfake.net/?o=html_table&u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.slideshare.net%2Fmarkrotoole%2Fcongratulations-graduate-eleven-reasons-why-i-will-never-hire-you

>> No.226026

>>226020
>>225980
Probably would have been better as one of those hip info videos.

>> No.226048

>>226011
I actually quite liked it, it's delivered in a style that younger people will find easier to understand, as opposed to the boring blah blah bullet by bullet crap they've become used to during college.

Is social media that important in today's interviews? That's kinda surprising to me.

>> No.226053

>>226048
>Is social media that important in today's interviews
I thought his point was that "your ability to a dick on social media isn't really noteworthy and doesn't make you a professional-anything"?

LinkedIn is important though, I got BTFO in my last job for not having an up-to-date one.

>> No.226054

>>226020
dear god, thank you so much for that. That would've been a disaster to go through slide-by-slide.

>>226048
>Is social media that important in today's interviews? That's kinda surprising to me.

I think the point was moreso "don't claim to be a social media/PR expert".

I was surprised at the emphasis on LinkedIn, though.

>> No.226055

>>226011
>>226011
http://image.slidesharecdn.com/congratsgraduate-130603130029-phpapp01/95/slide-83-638.jpg?cb=1374157702

All 11 points summed up nicely

>> No.226061

>strawman: the slide show

>> No.226067

Moreover what industry does this dude even work in? Is he aware that the world is not a template? This reads like a list of complaints that no-one with any intelligence, class, or originality ever applies to wherever the fuck he works.

>> No.226078

So basically

>have a good resume with internships/experience
>don't be an autist at the interview
>reply afterwards with meaningful comments to show interest in the job

>> No.226101

There's nothing I hate more than having to prostate myself to HR. Especially when their company is full of people that hate working there. Yet they act like their shit is the best thing since sliced bread.

>> No.226124

>>226067
Sounds like HR dude, and I doubt he's talking about anything atypical like working in some shithole like urban outfitters

>> No.226151

>>226078
You'd be surprised by how many retards have over inflated resumes of bs, think their active fb use is at all note worthy, have no clue about the company they're applying to, and act aspie without realizing

>> No.226159
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226159

While I think most of his points are valid his last name is extremely fitting. For someone who is trying to explain to the retards of my generation that first impressions are important he really doesn't do a good job of making one himself.

Then again he doesn't have to make a good first impression so I shouldn't be surprised.

>> No.226165

What are the essential lies?

>don't have a gap summer/year

>> No.226176

Is having Linkedin & Facebook really necessary? I find Linkedin pompous especially if you're a recent grad.

>> No.226188

>>226176
Yes - that way they can kick you out before they even meet you if you're too pompous.

>> No.226218

>>225980
If I went to an interview and the interviewer showed me this afterwards I would laugh in their fucking face and walk out

I'm me and I know what I want and where I belong, anyone who made that degradating pitiful faux guide is a power hungry fuck. Do this that and other, to the exact and if not I will not open the gate.

Fuck you crumbling gate keepers, you'll collapse sooner than latter and their are more gates in this power driven world then air.

And no, you can not hire me

>> No.226226

>>226218
what

>> No.226232

>>225980
General knowledge presented in a condescending manner with a graphic design that made it difficult to read. AKA: shite.

>> No.226233

>>226218
Enjoy never being hired
>b-b-but I don't even WANT to be hired
and I don't want to be a Greek translator or have anything to do with Greece, so studying Greek would be useless for me.

Doesn't apply to your fat NEET ass

>> No.226238
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226238

>>226232
>General knowledge
see >>226151

>mfw reading all my friends' resumes

>> No.226248

>why hiring managers are incompetent and massively overpaid

>> No.226250

>>226238
I suppose that means I don't mix with retards then lol. Wish I did sometimes, they seem like fun.

Once on a CV we got in the blockbuster I worked at, under "likes" it said "HALO and dragons". Beautiful.

>> No.226263

>>225980
is this a fucking joke? how the hell did this guy get hired in the first place

Seriously? proofread your fucking resume? NO SHIT, REALLY?

>> No.226272

>>226263
You'd be surprised how many people don't.
And what's even more shocking is that some people don't even know the details of their own resume

>> No.226279

>>226078

Yea

too bad a lot of people don't know this basic and for the most part self-explanatory shit

>> No.226312

>>226218
>>226165
>working for someone else

>sucking ass and making up bullshit excuses to explain away employment gaps

Pick 2

The only way to escape this fate is to become an entrepreneur

>> No.226363

>>225980
Jesus what's with that fucking slideshow?
And the points he was making weren't actually anything new or interresting and anyone should know this by default

>don't write a retarded resume
>don't walk into the interview like a retard
>don't dress like a retard
>show that you aren't a social retard

>> No.226372

>>226218
Why would I hire someone who doesn't even proofread what he writes on 4chan?

>> No.226409

The fuck.

Why would I care about a shitty slideshow made by a social media manager at a design agency, whose biggest client is a small art museum?

The guy has "social media, digital content strategies, client relations, media relations" as his top professional skills.

Literally office trash with photoshop.

>> No.226412

>tell me you have exposure to social networks

Nope.
Fuck off.

>> No.226682

>>226363
Some people aren't too self-conscious, I guess.
Anyway, what is a "thank you note", shouldn't I directly say it instead of using a note. Or is it something you do post-interview? Sorry if I sound too stupid.

>> No.226710

>>226218

you gotta eat a lot of shit before you can make it especially these days.

>> No.226718

>>226682
You should read a basic etiquette/manners book. It seems gay and trite, but for people like you and me who were never taught about thank you notes and other such social graces, it's really helpful.

Also I really dislike how we're basically being forced into social media now.

>> No.226725

>>226682
>>226718
Also yes, it's a post-interview thing. Keeps you in their mind and shows you care about the job enough that you're willing to go beyond just the interview. You should probably buy it beforehand so you can write it out and mail it immediately upon leaving the interview. That way it doesn't get there 5 days later when he doesn't even remember you. It should reach him 1-2 days max. I'd drop it off directly at the post office if I were you or you risk it sitting in a mailbox for a whole day if the mailman has already made his pick up.

>> No.226736

>>226725
couldn't you also just call him and thank him? It might seem lazy but I feel it would be more personal. Just say something like "I appreciate the opportunity you gave me and I would like to thank you for it." etc etc.

whatever I never liked thank you notes. they seem like something you send your grandma, not your potential boss

>> No.226751

>>226736
Thank you notes are common among professional adults. Calling him can backfire since he may be busy (or at least trying to give the impression that he's busy) so you'll get his secretary and this implies that you expect him to call you back so that you can thank him. Thanking the secretary is pointless.

Thank you emails are acceptable if the person knows you're busy, but a handwritten one makes a more lasting impact than another email among his daily flood of emails (90% spam, of which he reads every single one to make himself look busy)

Thank you emails also give you the chance to eloquently include specific points about the interview that he may not remember until he reads them but show that you gave the stuff he said some thought afterwards (which is all these HR guys are trying to achieve in the end).

>they seem like something you send your grandma, not your potential boss
You're wrong. Obviously you wouldn't send some hallmark piece of shit, just a plain folded card with "Thank you" printed or embossed on the front. No other text besides what you write inside. Make sure you use an envelope that fits too. A small thank you note/card in a long 12" business envelope looks ridiculous.

>> No.226752

>thank you note
Seriously? What kind of fresh hell is this? The potential employer isn't doing me a favour, in fact he wouldn't have created the position if there wasn't a need for it to be filled. A firm handshake on the way out, that's it.

In what country do employers expect something this retarded?

>> No.226767

>>226752

apparently in marketing land - he says he gets 100s of resumes every year, I guess he can afford to be choosy

>> No.226778

>>226752
The world doesn't exist beyond people's perceptions. If he perceives that he's doing you a favor, then you better cater to that perception if you want to get hired. Chances are he's HR and you'll never have to deal with him again but for that period of time, he's your door to the company.

>> No.226783

>>225980
Aw shit, it never even ocurred to me that having NO social media is just as bad as having a social media covered with all my fuck words and anarchistic ramblings. I guess I'll have to maintain a fake account for the real me now with a few of my more politically correct friends.

>> No.226790

>>226783
You could always provide links to your archives 4chan posts.

>> No.226867

>>226372
>Why would I hire someone who posts on 4chan?

ftfy

>> No.226935

if thats truly what it takes then i will probably stay a neet for my entire life

>> No.226966

I've never seen a more obnoxiously overdesigned slideshow.

>> No.226977

>tfw about half my resume is bloated with basically descriptions of my classes since I have no experience

Shit, maybe I should scale back some of it, but then it'd be assloads of white space and it'd probably be even worse off

>> No.226982
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226982

This is a reminder to never hire H/B to design your marketing material.

>> No.226983

>>226977
Just go volunteer for shit.

>> No.226995

>>226983
That doesn't really help for applications I'm filling out now, but I plan to eventually

>> No.227010

>>226935
Nah, bro, it feels like shitty HR manager tries to justify his presence in a company. Some HRs are really insecure, that's why they care so much about thank you notes/emails/dress-like-a-whore-for-me and other ass-licking.

>>226218 gets it. (And I am successfully employed btw. )

>> No.227023
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227023

My resume kicks ass in both content and presentation.
There isn't really anywhere I want to work at that I have not already applied to.
>tfw it's almost April

>> No.227040

>>225980
holy shit who ever made this has a superiority complex and should be punched in the face

>> No.227054

>>225980
This guy is arrogant as shit he made a 84 slide slide show for 11 reasons with as few constructive things to say as possible. And on top of that came across as a complete narcissist who is going through mid life crisis. I wonder how many of his employees laugh behind his back.

>> No.227071

>>227054
>mid life crisis

Pretty sure you nailed it. Entire thing is disgusting.

>> No.227076

>>225980
I notice social media is mentioned in those 11 reasons. Would having zero experience with social media rule me out as a potential hire?

>> No.227079

>>227076
no the guy's qualifications are literally "social media expert" so of course he's gonna play it up and use his time to make superfluous powerpoints like this so the guys writing the checks don't see that he's next-to-useless.

>> No.227081

>>227079
Well I mean for employers in general, if it comes up during an interview that the person doesn't use any form of social media is that like a do not hire flag?

>> No.227114

>>226218
Absolutely this. I'm far more valuable than some HR chump. I hope I meet one of these fucks one day.

>h-hey anon could I maybe work for you? I have a lot of e-experience in human resources and h-hiring...
>What? No, why would I hire someone to do something that I can *already* do, but better, faster, and without having to pay?
>O-oh, okay... Uh, h-have a good day then... heh...

>> No.227736

>>227081
People sometimes get suspicious and think you're either anti-social or deleted it before the interview in an effort to hide something. This is typically only HR people though.

>> No.227760

>you didnt look at me when you shoot my hand

nigga fuck you

>> No.227763

HR "professionals" are female or closeted male homosexuals with liberal arts or generalized business degrees who get off on getting their asses kissed because there's no other way to justify the payoff of a liberal arts or generalized business degree.

Just recognize that it's another arbitrary hurdle that you have to overcome.

>> No.227769

Lol that whole presentation is a joke. Guy has the hiring criteria of a business that pays it's employees 200K+ a year.

This guys standards for entry level positions is outdated and a joke. It's like those managers at Burger King that want you to "dedicate" your life to the burger making way.

>> No.227778

>>225980
Still in college, but ohgod thank you. I'm lacking in many of the things listed here, this was like a holy grail to me and I shall remember it forever. Always saw the interview process as a bunch of bs but I feel pretty confident I'll be able to ace every one from here on out.

>> No.227787

>>227778
Don't pay attention to that twat in OPs post. Seriously, those are the kind of companies that suck your soul out for pennies only to replace you with someone else when you become too expensive.

>> No.227790

>>227787
sour grapes detected

>> No.227794

>>227790
>Sour grapes detected
I own 3 businesses. I would never force anyone to do what that guy does. You work for money. I'm not looking for a business partner, just a hard working employee.

This guy is making entry level employees jump through hoops for nothing. That's what probation periods are for.

>> No.227838

>>227794
This guy gets it.

From the slideshow

>>Prove to me that you want to work here for the rest of your life!

So prove to me that you are just a drone that will say anything to get the job.

How fucking depressing.

>> No.227852

>>227794
Perhaps you wouldn't, but many places will pay attention to stuff like this. As the person trying to find a job, I want any edge I can get at all on my competition, and the slideshow in the OP sounds good and lines up with what I've heard from other people.

>> No.227864

Another click-bait wannabe marketer offering job advice that is ridiculously specific to whatever they do. Nothing to see here.

>> No.227869

>>227852
Trust me, any place that treats you like this isn't worth working at. But then again I don't work for anyone. So I guess if you want to do the whole "climb the corporate ladder" nonsense.

But trust me, this douche hires fresh young people with the best image possible. Uses them for a few years, then replaces 95% of them with a fresh batch at 1/2 the price.

>>227838
>Prove to me that you want to work here for the rest of your life
>Work hard Goyim and make me money while I kick the scraps.

>> No.227874

>>227869
I said "trust me" way too many times. Multitasking isn't my cup of tea some days... lol

>> No.227880

>>227869
What a self absorbed child

>> No.227884

>>227880
Stalker plz go

>> No.227888

>>227884
I'm not a stalker, I actually own 4 businesses and am my own boss. Respect me I am accomplished and need approval from anonymous users.

>> No.227890

>>226048
I found it condescending. I'm not butthurt, but it sure doesn't make me like the guy who made it

>> No.227891

>>227884
>everyone who is tired of wipe is a stalker
there's a lot of people who find you annoying

>> No.227896

>>227760
Nigguh, look at him next time you shoot his hand!

>> No.227898

>>227888
What businesses? Do you concentrate in one sector or do you spread out? How do you conduct interviews?

>> No.227899

I've been inactive in Facebook for years because I just used it to message old friends. Should I delete my FB account, create a new account and act like a normal person on that new account?

>> No.227904

>>227869
After a few years I plan on using my experience to land a better job elsewhere anyway. I don't see a downside here.

>> No.227916

>>227904
Ah.. But still, the guy in OPs post is a douchebag. I hate people like him where they want your first born child to get some lousy pay.

>> No.227917

Leave it to a business board on 4chan to attract the most self important man-children alive to come trip and spout bullshit anyone who has taken a college economics or finance course knows. If there is one board I don't think should have trips it is this one. It is one thing to be a braggart, but to be a braggart on an anonymous image board is seriously pathetic.

>> No.227922

I'm a scientist what the fuck is that presentation? That looks like some sales shit job. Not even relevant. Also social media? Wat.

>> No.227923

>>227899
Yes. Post pictures of yourself at social events. try to photobomb other people's pictures then scour the internet so you can post them on your own profile. Only be seen drinking non-alcoholic beverages or beer at the most. Don't be caught in a picture with more than one minority. Post politically correct views common to your demographic and be sure to list sports or sports teams in your 'likes'.

>> No.227924

>>227794
>I own 3 businesses.

What industry?

>> No.227925

>>227899
Anyone looking at your facebook is just looking for a reason to not hire you because they get a short term high off of sniping people.

>> No.227933

Just to keep it in one thread:

Assuming a very close perceived fit for a position:

>How long a time frame should one expect to hear back about a filed application?
>Is it appropriate to follow up if no response is given?
>If so, how should that follow up be performed?

>> No.227938

>>227933
You should call them after 48 hours. That's what I would do.

>> No.227960
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227960

>>225980
>mfw this jagoff got into his career because his uncle runs the firm

>> No.227964

>>227960
lol that should be the first comment on the page.

>> No.227970

Seeing as how the current resume thread is dead, I suppose I can ask here. Below-average psych student here [2.82 GPA]. I've written and ran stats on two independent experiments, and I'm going to graduate this September.

I want to go to graduate school for Neuroscience (and maybe CS because everyone and their mother is getting that degree nowadays), but I want to work for a lab for a bit beforehand to leverage my grades. So how exactly do I get admitted to an entry level neuroscience lab?

I'll post the resume I'm working on for this lab if anyone specialized in lab work can help me. They also want a CV, but I've never so much as SEEN one. Advice?

>> No.228052

>>227023
Post it. Mine is utter shit and I need a shoulder to stand on.

>> No.228055
File: 282 KB, 548x243, Rhodey's dick.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
228055

>>227760
>>227896
What if I reach in to shake his hand, but because I'm not looking at it, I miss and grab his dick or something? I don't want to get hired for a secretary job.

>> No.228062

>>226055
>http://image.slidesharecdn.com/congratsgraduate-130603130029-phpapp01/95/slide-83-638.jpg?cb=1374157702

This.

Except that #6 is really more like:
Don't let them know that you have no idea what you want to do and have no focus in life / career.
And #11 is more like:
Don't act like a teenager (or even college student), and show professionality (don't be late, don't be shy etc)

>> No.228075
File: 137 KB, 657x674, Lab Resume.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
228075

>>227970
This is it, I'd appreciate any advice.

Also, upon trying to put together a CV, I realized I didn't have enough for even half of a page and it was all redundant, so I'm considering just omitting that, and including as an addendum my written studies. Thoughts?

>> No.228087

>>227794
>>227794
It clearly doesn't apply to you then, this is for people LOOKING FOR THOSE JOBS.
God damn, plus it's obviously HR, which is pretty much everywhere.

>hoops
What hoops? A good resume and not being asspie as fuck?

>> No.228095

>>228075
• Scratch the objective; that goes in your cover letter/email.
• Move your skills to the bottom (scratch the "and abilities").
• Put your Education first (at least for the lab jobs)
• I'm not as adamant about this, and think that you might combine the two or put them into experience, but Leadership generally is worth more than communication.

>> No.228118

>>228075
>>228095
Then be more specific. (That's assuming you haven't changed anything for its posting on 4chan.) That means:
• What were your psych studies on? Sum them up in two or three words each (eg, one on intrinsic motivation and one on face perception)
• What were the on-campus clubs you secretaried?

>I have also been considered to be a good public speaker
Nigga, you'd better be fucking trolling with that one. Here:
I am considered a good public speaker [by my peers].
Or whoever; the question is, "by whom?"

>> No.228120

>>228075
I don't like the word "moderate" when describing your Spanish skills. Maybe there's a way to church it up?

>> No.228124

>>228120
Agreed. Try: Basic, Competent, Proficient, Near-native, Native as a scale.

nb many would say not to bother putting it on if it's "basic"

>> No.228143

>>228087
>what hoops?
Don't be a fucking retard. Realistically most retards could do most office jobs reasonably well. Obviously management wants the best they can get for their money, though. With narrowing margins, and better selection technologies and processes, this is where the hoops come in.

Employers require too much experience for too little pay, which effectively shuts young people out of the market, who have no experience and higher expenses (or, alternatively, no ability to downgrade expenses, which older people DO have.)

Come on now, don't be dumb.

>> No.228163

>>228095
These I can do

>>228118
What you see is what you get, just blurred my name and the names of organizations. One was on perception of the homeless in New York, and the other was a correlational study on social identity and beliefs toward the homeless.

Also, how about this:
As part of my work with [X] Financial Services, I often had to give pitches to potential clients and recruits, which allowed me to develop my public speaking skills.

>>228120
>>228124
I'd say I fit somewhere between competent and proficient, I've been doing this for about 10 years now

>> No.228173

>>228163
Oh, and

>Anime Club
>Sci-Fi and Fantasy Club

Should I still include them?

>> No.228179
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228179

>>228173

>> No.228181

>>228173
>Anime Club
>Sci-Fi and Fantasy Club

I wouldn't. Makes you seem childish. Typically people that are into that stuff passed a certain age have some social issues. This is from personal experience.

>> No.228189

>>228173
I don't really know; I'm an employee, not an employer. I don't think they'll mark you down for them, and there's always the possibility that the person reading it is into either of those. If you don't put the specific clubs on the resume, they'll either ask in an interview or think that you're hiding something.

I would put them on, but downplay them as more related to personal hobbies that point loosely to your ability to coordinate people and shit.

>> No.228190

>>228181
That's the issue right there, I have interests in these things, but I'm not an autist. How do I convey the relevant experience without the inevitable question of
>What clubs were those, anon?

Right now, I'm thinking I can just say I have experience as a treasurer and managed a listserv, without mentioning clubs at all. Might still draw curiosity. Otherwise, I can just own my shit and prove I don't have social issues.

>> No.228201

>>228173
the answer is: fuck no

having that on your resume will make you unhireable. You should stab yourself in the balls first

>> No.228204

>>228190
dude, whatever, justify it all you want. There's a reason why only certain people are drawn to that stuff. The answer is weakness. You are a weak person, socially, mentally, experientially. Nobody likes that stuff if they've been out and gotten life experience.

DO NOT INCLUDE IT.

>> No.228205

>>228190
I don't know how you can tie anime club to work experience or social experience. You'll end up shooting yourself in the foot.

Don't own your shit. Please. It's like that broney with that extremely impressive resume that's covered in ponies. He's an amazingly talented individual but he would be an embarrassment to my company.

My dad always taught me to never embarrass the family. This is one of those things you have to hide.

>> No.228212

theres also the slight light problem that we're still in a recession so people that got laid off are returning to their jobs, which gives them an advantage because they have experience that recent grads dont.

>> No.228213

>>228201
>>228204
>>228205

Got it, I will stab myself in the balls before including either of those things on my resume

Holy shit that was close thanks guys

>> No.228216

>>228213
I'm just glad you listened. Some people don't.

>> No.228217

>>228213
If you didn't understand this then you need to find some normalfag friends to take you out. Work on your social skills please. If you lived in Dallas I would be happy to help you work on it. I just ask that you avoid fedoras and trench coats. haha.

>> No.228218

good thing i dont plan to work for picky assholes who are ass blasted because they cant dig up the dirt from my facebook

>> No.228219

Thats fine, but I should warn you its possible to like those things at a certain age without being an autist about it.

I am a prime example of the standard "alphamale" most anime fans hate yet I probably am more into the shit then those people.

I'm not the guy you were talking too but I was wondering the same thing as him.

>> No.228222

>>228213

if you were normalfag, you could probably roll the dice if you got a hint that the employer or someone on management was also into chinese cartoons.

>> No.228223

>>228219
>tfw you're attractive and tall
>tfw in programming classes and upper division math classes
>tfw classic "nerds" wouldn't let me join clubs.

>>228218
I've only been asked once why I don't have a Facebook. I said I don't feel like giving personal information to an ad site and we both laughed.

>> No.228229

Interviews are easy, and I never stress during them. Heres my easy quick guide.

>be presentable
>speak to them well
>express interest (easy for me because my field is extremely exotic yet very in demand)
>eye contact and good demeanor

Congrats you just aced the interview in 4 steps. Now if you get the job that's another story ;)

>> No.228231

>>228219
I'm on this guy's side. If you can come across as a normal dude with some slightly nerdy hobbies, then include them. If you're gonna turn up in a fedora and trenchcoat, you're probably fucked anyway.

Oh, and don't take advice from the guy who doesn't have a facebook:
>>228205
>>228223

Let's put it this way: include it for the lab jobs, as they're gonna be sorta nerdy people anyway, and then take it off as soon as you can replace it with something better.

>> No.228244
File: 77 KB, 609x610, TtvVDk1.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
228244

>>228217
I would post a pic to prove I'm not autist lord, but almost all of my pictures are with other people and I'm not into posting pics of others. Have a casual selfie instead. Judge as you will.

>> No.228251

>>225980
If you doubt yourself, if you worry about not being able to find a job, if homework is stressful for you, if you're getting anything below an A.
You're not cut out for whatever it is you want to do.
Higher education is for people who have a PASSION for learning about a particular subject.

>> No.228254

>>228244
I'm sorry, we can't hire you at this time...

>> No.228258

>>228254
DAS RACIS

>> No.228259

>>228244
You're black?! Oh, DEFINITELY leave it on then. Not kidding.
1. Noone suspects that the black guy will *actually* be a nerd, and
2. You might get treated as more "white" (or asian) by hirers (as you probably know, this is a positive when looking for a job).

>> No.228260

>>228254

Obviously I'm not gonna turn up to an interview looking like that I hope you realize that. Just hoping you notice the minimum ability to coordinate and be groomed. I already know I can work a suit.

>> No.228262

>>228244

>he's not autistic but rather black

i dunno which is worse guys

>> No.228269

>>228231
I've never been denied anything because of a lack of Facebook. You're an idiot to think that Facebook is required for a job. Just don't be a complete aspie during the interview and it won't even come up.
>>228244
Lose the hat.

>> No.228271

>>228262
black

>> No.228281

Freshman year- Get on a top tier fitness program that trains you to get strong/physical results in training faster than most other methods. Start reading into fashion sense so you can start finding clothes that work for you instead of against you. Go on a diet that gives you a bunch of energy and recovering ability from the workouts. 2 years in, not joking, you will be more fit than most people on this planet and you will be giving off vibes on all different kinds of dimensions that make you look way more prepared to perform in a stressful work environment than other people. You'll stand out hard.

2. In that 1st year instead of going all "these are the best yaers of muh lyfe fuck everything" mode, start making a serious commitment towards becoming a good person by investing a lot of time in self help resources to help. That will put a mature "battle ready" mind on top of that good body and your well honed positive philosophies on life and interacting meaningfully with other people will be seen in how you act to the person interviewing you. That will also make you stand out very hard and completely dissolve any kind of pressure that would intimidate a scarcity minded immature person. It will also let you be "above" the permission to let others bother you or hurt you and will make you near bullet proof to people in your work place who are complaining and bitter. It will also empower you to have an enormous positive impact on your workplace which will let the people who are upset around you start feeling happier Your personal goals in life will also be identified by using methods like these so you won't feel like you're wasting your life"making money just to make money and live" but instead doing something you actually love. Its easy to look at the hard boiled business world and think you need to be this world class i'm in it for me competitor but you really don't want to do that. Its so stressful and unfulfilling.

>> No.228300

>>228244

>one of those dumbass felt coats

Is there a less functional article of clothing?

>> No.228306
File: 124 KB, 554x666, Mdbp3iI.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
228306

Alright, final version. Would hire /biz/? The position is at an entry-level neuroscience lab. The relevant class is sponsored by the lab. The professor and TA can likely vouch for me, and I have a connection I made from an earlier event sponsored by the department. This connection told me to apply and mention their name.

>> No.228307
File: 27 KB, 512x512, 1395356676208.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
228307

>>228306
Interview clothing, pic related.

>> No.228315

>>228244
>COMME des
MEGA FUCCBOI DETECTED
Nice dubs tho

>> No.228317

>>228306
What is a "listservof"?

>> No.228318

>>228244
S....s....sorry mister uh... we are no longer hiring.

>> No.228320

>>228317
I'm looking at the original document and that error doesn't exist on it...weird

>> No.228322

>>228306
>BS in Psych
Lmao wutta fag, cool that you're applying for a lab research in neuroscience though.
>Exposure to social networks
Unless you orchestrated major events through them, I think plenty of kids have "exposure" to social networks. If you use them for social reasons then it's not really relevant.

>> No.228323

>>228322
Does an annual cafe event of 300+ people count?
Plus many smaller events of ~30 people

>> No.228327
File: 137 KB, 685x637, 1388365380569.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
228327

God damn it, what is an autist to do? I don't want to be a worthless NEET for the rest of my life, I want to try and do something productive. But you motherfuckers and your pointless bullshit won't let me. I could be the most qualified person for your position which requires ZERO human interaction but I will fail your worthless social standards every time.

I have a computer science degree, I have certifications, I had an internship for three years. Hundreds of applications later and only two interviews, and for each of those I was blown the fuck out for being the massive sperglord that I am. So what if I can't hold a conversation to save my life, make proper eye contact, or read body language properly? What does that have to do with computers and networks?

Fuck you HR, you are literal scum.

>> No.228329

>>228323
>Does an annual cafe event of 300+ people count?
>Plus many smaller events of ~30 people
Yeah that makes it actually noteworthy (unless it was some anime gathering, ya fucking weeb, then again maybe it can work). Briefly say it but don't write a sentence.
Just say something like
>Orchestrated/whatever events with 300+ people annually via social networks (Facebook, Tumblr, etc)
Social Networking abilities is relevant, and although the reason for them may be irrelevant (like hosting a picnic for friends), it is important that you're able to use them for reasons OTHER than shitting up a fb wall talking about how you wanna bang dis bitch.

>> No.228333

>>228329
Meant something bigger than a picnic for friends, like a picnic for your club or a fundraiser or whatever.

>> No.228388

Well, I sent it. It's out of my hands now. Wish me luck guys.

Thanks for all the help, I'll let you guys know if I get it...if anyone cares.

>> No.228394

>>228327
Damn I feel you bro. Maybe try to get a phone interview next time?

>> No.228399
File: 30 KB, 600x600, 676.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
228399

>>228394
I'm even worse over the phone, I start getting crippling anxiety when talking to somebody I don't really know and usually end up hanging up in panic when it goes on too long.

Fucking autism, this world just isn't made for us to exist in. Why couldn't they just round us up and euthanize us all as children, it would have been less cruel. Oh well, at least I've got 4chan and video games.

>> No.228401

>>225980
>CS major, graduating in May
>first offer from company A: $60k + full benefits

D-did I do good? I negotiated them up from $50k

>> No.228402

>>228399

Psychfag from earlier here, have you considered Cognitive Behavioral Therapy if you really do find it that crippling?

>> No.228420

>>228327

I've worked IT with groups of guys who were clearly autist.

The owners of the company did the hiring, they didn't have HR.

I believe the only requirement was that they be able to talk to people on the phone, decipher the situation and resolve it. If they stuttered or were nervous on the phone, nobody cared. Eventually they all got good at it.

Still, when it comes time to roll a truck - the autists stay in office and the All-Stars are the ones who go out and do the physical work and interact with people in person.

>> No.228427

>>228402
I've tried getting some help in that regard and it helped a little I guess, I used to not even be able to pick up a phone without having a panic attack.

>>228420
The problem I'm having is nobody around here is hiring directly. It's all through recruitment agencies and HR departments. I did IT stuff at that internship I worked for three years, I can handle over the phone support/diagnosis as long as I've either met the person I'm helping or the conversation is shorter than half and hour or so. I will stutter/sound like a sperg but I can handle it.

>> No.228501
File: 68 KB, 835x626, Le Starbucks hipster.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
228501

>>225980
Yeah, I wouldn't want to be hired by these fags anyways.

>tumblr
>pinterest
>twitter

Too hipster and very little business

>> No.228513
File: 175 KB, 1402x800, lel.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
228513

A marketing career

Okay now it makes sense why the creator of this is such a hipster.

It's funny how he makes it seem like that's an actual job. What a joke.

>> No.228551

>>227769
It reminds me of my first job in retail over a decade ago before the crash (in which the firm went bankrupt because head office were fucking retards and never listened to their staff about the real situation on the floor)

All the bullshit jargon about investing your entire life into a casual retail job "Why don't you work harder, You won't make it to head office here with that attitude" I'm a fucking casual worker being paid below minimum wage, with no union representation and you fuckers stole my leave through a dodgy contract that you told me was just "refiling lost paperwork" which actually was an entire new contract.
Go fuck yourselves.

>> No.228566

As someone who worked 5 years in the public service in a mid job (level below executive leveling around 70k a year) can someone tell me what the fuck is the deal with the deal is with "professionalism" within an internal department?

I got shit on for not wearing a suit jacket and not taking notes about everything in fucking meetings, they said I wasn't playing the "professional game" when I was doing the most work out of everyone in the department because they were all useless lazy fucks.

It's never, ever made fucking sense to me. Why do people really care about how people dress or even speak when talking and dealing with their workmates in an internal environment? What makes it even stranger is I swear to god it actually hampers productivity and makes people stress levels much higher, people everyone is worried about not being professional enough, instead of getting shit actually fucking done.

>> No.228659

>>228566
>I got shit on for not wearing a suit jacket and not taking notes about everything in fucking meetings, they said I wasn't playing the "professional game" when I was doing the most work out of everyone in the department because they were all useless lazy fucks.

You are doing work and not getting credit for it. Ask yourself why you are putting effort into doing the work while not making everyone know you are doing the work. I don't mean rubbing their nose in it but making it obvious. These people don't see you most of the time and however stupid it may be use the ques they do see to judge you(dress, notes, bullshit.

>> No.228660

>>228566
>I got shit on for not wearing a suit jacket and not taking notes about everything in fucking meetings
In the absence of actual talent or marketable skill, people will fulfill their desire to seem "busy" by doing arbitrary tasks which seems productive.

>> No.228696

>>226078
>on't be an autist
whelp

>> No.228737

>>228244
Security!

>> No.228800

>>228501
I think this whole thing might have just been a joint advertisement for Linkedin and Pinterest.

>> No.228803

>>228566
Document everything and everyone. Report to superiors.

>> No.228804

>>228513
oh god rofllmao
>goal-oriented communications
fucking lol

>> No.228816

>>228566
Most offices nowadays are casual/open offices. Unless you regularly have clients going in and out, most people don't care anymore.

>> No.228833

>>228816
You still have the old guard types who demand a dress code regardless of the work environment

>> No.228849
File: 124 KB, 825x751, cvcap.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
228849

Is this the Resume/job hunting advice thread? I've been back on the market after my most recent position moved from Denver to Dallas and I decided not to go along. Can anyone offer any tips? I've only had two interviews, and a total of 5 responses this month. This is a cap from an HTML resume template I made. Contact info redacted, of course.

>> No.229623

>>227869
If you haven't absorbed any useful company-specific knowledge after working for several years for the the same firm then you are probably not worth keeping around. Hiring and training new people is an investment which means your value is supposed to go up and not remain stagnant as when you were hired.

>> No.229652

>>228306
>Senior Financial Representative
>Hebrew Educational Society
Jew detected.

>> No.229712
File: 36 KB, 502x551, Resume.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
229712

Resume review?

>> No.229719

i don't read shit by people who write titles like "eleven reasons why i will never hire you"

if you want me to look at your slideshows or whatever i suggest not giving your content gawker tier clickbait titles

>> No.229758 [DELETED] 
File: 196 KB, 579x812, resume_help_2.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
229758

What should I do with this section? I'm at a loss on how to fill some extra space and this section ain't doing so well for me. This resume is for any lab tech position.

>> No.229882

bumping for my resume >>229712

>> No.229930

>>229652
A black Jewish anime fan? It can't be real.

>> No.230033

>>229719
ten-reasons-why-you-should-just-give-up-your-job-search-and-kill-yourself-you-pathetic-idiot

>> No.230057

>>230033
+1
Like
Endorse
Repin
Retweet

>> No.230095

>college babbies getting BTFO by an actual employer who knows diplomas aren't worth the paper they're printed on

>> No.230096

>>229712

sprichst du nach den 3 Jahren in Deutschland auch deutsch?

>> No.230101
File: 15 KB, 350x254, who.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
230101

>>229719

>> No.230129

>>226176
Like 90% of an office job these days is looking at Facebook, so if you don't have those essential Facebook skills you're out of luck, pal.

>> No.230191
File: 82 KB, 261x192, 1330708546686.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
230191

since this is apparently our job seeker general

>had interview today with a regional financial group
>I wasn't asked any questions nor was I able to ask questions
>my interviewer went on a half hour monologue
>called the banking industry evil, gave a hypothesis for why society is morally bankrupt, and told me I wasted 4 years of my life in college
>told me if I want job security and a defined salary then I should look at other companies

After all this he shook my hand, gave me his card and had his secretary set up another time for us to meet again
It was different to say the least

>> No.230308

>>230096

I don't speak German, if that's what you're asking.

>> No.230350
File: 65 KB, 285x276, 1395194498969.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
230350

>>226078
>don't be an autist at the interview

Any self help spaghetti lessons available online.

>> No.230355

>>230350
Leil Lowndes, lady will charm your trousers off.

>> No.230360

>>228513

>o'toole
>over the hill faggot who is no longer useful, jumping on trends

So not surprised.

Also

>uses the same fucking jean pants image and slices a fucking 50 dollar bill in the back pocket
>wow such genius imagery

UGH

>> No.230362

>>228513

>&amp
>letting &amp into your fucking

you know what im done

>> No.230383

>>230362
>NO FUCKIGN TYPOS
>has a typo

What.

>> No.230392

>>228075
Being exposed to social networks is a "skill"?

>> No.230410

More like...

>11 reasons why young people are retarded

>> No.230412

>>230191
>told me I wasted 4 years of my life in college
He was testing you to see if you would get butt blasted when exposed to controversial and potentially offensive opinions, sounds like you passed

>> No.230433

>Complains about long winded resumes
>Makes an 84 page slideshow that could have been 12-13 tops

SRS BIDNZ

>> No.230436

>>230410
Pretty much this, the only one it took me awhile to learn is the dressing nice, I always did but as a construction worker never knew why it was expected.

>> No.230447

>>229930
Blacks love anime, especially the white washed Jewish ones. Knew a black guy at Jewish summer camp and we talked about anime all the time.

>> No.230536

>>230383

Hahaha jesus christ didn't even think of that.

Figures.

>> No.230539

>>230433

Oh goddamn you guys are actually upsetting me right now.

>tfw layers of hypocrisy are peeled back in front of your eyes like an onion

>> No.230566

I don't have anything about most of his points but holy shit he's the smuggest fucking fuck ever, even for a HR worker.

>> No.230572

The guy that wrote that is an HR slob who works at most likely some west or east coast leftist fest of a company. He probably received his BA back when jobs were plentiful.

I wouldn't listen to that guy. I mean yeah he has some pretty good basic information, but it is just that... basic. /biz/ isn't in business to help young spoiled college graduates who are too stupid to find or hold a job.

A lot of HR people truly are the scum of the workplace. I really hated in the past when I would apply to a position in the IS department and ended up with some fruity HR person interviewing me who had no idea what the actual job entailed outside of the company wide general description.

>> No.230643

>>230572
>/biz/ isn't in business to help young spoiled college graduates who are too stupid to find or hold a job.

jesus christ I'm glad someone finally said it out loud


>h-help me find a j-job
>h-how do interviewww

Fucking disgusting.

>> No.230654

The OP turned me into a communist. The world will never be safe until Mark R. O'Toole and all his ilk are swinging from lampposts.

>> No.230668

>>230654

Maybe if they were ALL like that.

They're certainly not though.

That guy has a massive complex going on for the fact that he knows he's a worthless piece of shit.

I mean look at how many fucking slides he made. Can you imagine how many weeks he spent doing those graphics as slow as possible so that he looked busy?

Guilt does bad things to people, especially with their "craft".

Like modern art painters who start elaborating on the "deep meaning" of their art until they descend into madness and can't even see their own bullshit anymore.

>> No.230671

>>230643
Well everybody looks like this anon is right.

>Back to cryptocurrency cancer threads

Faggot this is better.

>> No.230689

>>230671

>Implying both those things aren't cancer

>> No.230692

>>230668

But enough of them are like that, or at least somewhat like that, to warrant mass lamppost-swinging. Just read the comments on the page.

The message is clear: "You are worthless until you have our blessing. Beg and scrape for us to give you your worth." How about two in the back of the head instead?

>> No.230699

>>230692

> Just read the comments on the page.

>Mr. Mark O'Toole as an NFL GM would draft JaMarcus Russell over Tom Brady because of his vertical jump and 40 speed. That might sound over the top, but step back for a second and think about it: not one single point in the slideshow dealt with the ability to excel at the job.

Fucking destroyed O'Foole there. Such truth.

>> No.230700

Mark:

>Thanks for the feedback, Morgan. We are actually very climate-focused at my firm, and do a lot of work to push clean energy technologies and agendas forward.


HAHAHAHAHAH fuuuuuck

>> No.230706

The fact the guy uses mid 20th century images to convey his message just tells me his douche level is off the scales.

His slide show is unnecessarily long. Someone should send him a resume that is 100+ pages with each page representing one strength, past work experience, education, etc

>> No.230714

this is like those absurd lists fat girls write about why they won't sleep with their imaginary suitors until they become jacked 6'5" billionaires

>> No.230718

>>230412
Ehh idk

I wouldn't take the job anyways, its pure commission finance work

>> No.230725

>>230718
>its pure commission finance work

He's a scam artist. Stay away.

>> No.230749

>>225980

>You are correct, Mr. O'Toole, I wouldn't want to work for your company. While Mad Men is an interesting dramatic series, applying the model of professional etiquette contained within the show (and reinforcing it through vintage slideshow graphics) is indicative of someone who operates several decades behind the curve. Smug, snarky, and unnecessarily self-important all define this article and its author.

WOOOO!

I love the comments section

How fucking disgusting is it that O'Toole is getting PAID to defend his shitty article all day?

>hey everyone look what I made!

>Wow... everyone seems to really... hate it... and hate you

>Nah! Nah... I can fix that, I just need to use my Goal Oriented Communication skills to open a dialect with them!

>Uh... k you do that... anyway, back to the BUSINESS agenda we were talking about

>H-heh... yeah! Kick ass guys! K I'm gonna go back to my Mac now...

>> No.230754

>>230725
Thats what I figured

Its pretty much what all the local finance/insurance places are doing

Funny, theyre only hiring immediate college grads...major doesn't matter

Kek

>> No.230758

>>230725
I would assume they made money off of those "training" program they tell you to take, right?

>> No.230762

>>230758

This is one method.

Another method involves getting you to work for free by paying you only on commission, and then giving you no chance to actually make commissions.

Can it be lamppost time yet?

>> No.230764

this is my daily reminder my parents dun messed up real good by not teaching me about the real world, allowing me to fall into this NEET cavern of confused despairing destruction

>> No.230778

>taking linkedin seriously

such corporate fascism, wow money

>> No.230776

>>230764

But this isn't the real world. In the real world, you get hired by being somebody's friend.

>> No.230782

>>230764
if you spent more time in the real world you'd realize that most people are entirely incompetent and just terrible at life but get by because they're willing to put some amount of effort into self-promotion

that is to say that they're bullshitters

>> No.230787

>>228231
Yeah thinking you need facebook for a job is dumb, i say from now on
>5 of 6 people in the world don't use facebook
true statistic

>> No.232445

>>225980
Good read.

>> No.232493

Do you remember that scene in Team America where the main character steps into a limo with some old guy and the old guy immediately says "Now suck my cock." as soon as the door closes?

That's exactly what interviews are now, and that's exactly what the guy who made that presentation wants you to do.