/biz/ - Business & Finance

[Anonymous No.16736086]

>pull up to my Barratt new build home with my 25 year fixed rate mortage in my grey Audi A3 on finance after a hard days work as deputy assistant head of sales targeting
>open the boot and take out my River Island and Superdry bags with the new gear I bought on the way home from work
>open the door
>yell hello to my wife of 2-years in the kitchen as she is already home from her work as a Team Leader in a call centre
>sit down on my leather sofa bought on sale at Sofology (haha I love those adverts, what is that sloth like haha, love sloths me)
>put up my feet on the IKEA table
>whap on the telly and tune in just in time to see Bradders going through the rules of the final chase with the contestants who made it through before they face Anne Hegarty
>perfect timing as my wife comes in with the dinner, another one of Jamie Oliver's cracking 30 minute meals
>tuck in as I pretend to listen to my wife's stories from her day at work
>send a cheeky snap to Smithster and Deano to see if they can come round for the champions league match later to watch it on the ol' Sony Bravia, maybe sneak in a few rounds of Fifa '20 on the PS4 Pro first, bloody Smithster ignoring the rule of no tap-ins what a melt haha

[old_man_yoda No.16736115]

>>16736086
shut up

[Anonymous No.16736121]

fuck off faggot >>>/int/ >>>/pol/

sage

[Anonymous No.16736184]

Write a new pasta you fucking mutt.

[Anonymous No.16736260]

>>16736184

It's 6.10pm.Deano's been queueing on the A76 for over half an hour.He can literally see his house across the ploughed field to his left.He's sure he can see shapes moving in the bedroom window, probably just the gf tidying.He checks his betyid account on his phone, his accumulator is racking up.He's up £14.65 on the championship results, maybe he should cash out. Nah they put that big button there to rob pussies, real legends hold their bets to the bitter end. Besides, that final bet on Mpogbe is guaranteed to come off and he's set to win £420 by 7pm. He turns up the radio as his favorite chart number comes on. He loves this fackin tune and sings his heart out alone in the car, barely keeping up with the lyrics. He stops singing abruptly as he makes eye contact with a lorry driver and resumes a manly pout. Luckily his shades hide his eyes so nobody can see the shame. Finally he swings round the huge empty roundabout and enters his road. He parks his audi up on the drive, making sure it doesn't grind on the bit of kerb again. cost a fucking bombshell to get that side-trim replaced at the dealership but it looks fucking peng now.Deano, still staring at his phone screen, doesn't notice the figures upstairs hurriedly moving about. He opens his pristene PVC doble glazed front door unit into his waste of space porch. His pointy as fuck shoes tread on pizza menus and tv liscencing letters. He picks up the tv license letter and thinks he should probably pay it. Deano's tv is so big you could probably see it from at A76 so he'd better be careful.He drops his keys loudly on the side and opens the fridge. Thank fuck! He has a can leftover from the weekend. Still glued to his phone, he shuffles to the back room. The space is bare except for his 65" TV and a large christmas tree that fills half the room. It has 4 baubles on one side as decoration, Deano is proud that he has finally made it.
He turns on his ps4 slim edition and finds that Daz is already logged in...

[Anonymous No.16736292]

based

[Anonymous No.16736332]

>>16736260
>A76

i didnt know deanos lived in dumfries

[Anonymous No.16736348]

would rather kill myself than live that life

[Anonymous No.16736403]

>>16736260
fucking kek

[Anonymous No.16736436]

>>16736260
Art

[DetectiveAnon !!xywCWEmZbu8 No.16736485]

>>16736086
Sounds like half of my mates around the east midlands. Nice one.

[Anonymous No.16736491]

>>16736086
>>16736260
whoever wrote this is a fucking genius
pls gib german version of this

[Anonymous No.16736570]

>>16736260
nice

[Anonymous No.16736629]

>>16736485

literally same

>live in the UK
>between the ages of 22 and 35
>literally the only thing you have to look forward to is taking out a Help to Buy 5% mortgage with the extra chucky the taxpayer slings in from your Help to Buy ISA to buy a paper thin walled new build piece of shit slapped together by a bunch of drunk Polaks
>pair this up with a cheeky PCP deal on an entry level petrol BMW / Audi and a Fiat 500 for your skank call centre team leader girlfriend to park in your tiny unfenced front garden which is 90% driveway cause your garage is too narrow to even fit a car in
>all the houses on your estate are listed as detacthed but only have half a foot gap between eachother
>neighbours are all low level wageslaves who have the fact they all have negative net worths and are massively over leveraged with debt in common
>this is of course except the Affordable Homes section of the estate which is filled with ex-cons, and dole dodgers that leech from the state

[Anonymous No.16736664]

>>16736086
I couldn't ever live like this. Ever.

[Anonymous No.16736686]

>>16736260
>He's sure he can see shapes moving in the bedroom window, probably just the gf tidying.
I-I not liek this, OP...

[Anonymous No.16736736]

>>16736629
>your skank call centre team leader girlfriend

The skank in my life would be my best mate, who is literally a call center leader but doesn't have a car because the nonce keeps failing his test. His evenings consist of PS4 and probably microwave lasagna. The days of him squished in a shitty northern nightclub with a 40 year old 'DJ' playing hits from 3 years ago around 80 more guys who smell like Lynx deodorant are over now that he has a GF. Were it not for OP's pic I wouldn't have even thought JJB Sports still fucking existed.

[Anonymous No.16736741]

OP better deliver the rest of the story

[DetectiveAnon !!xywCWEmZbu8 No.16736750]

>>16736741
>the rest

There isn't any more. That's the whole point, do you get it?

[Anonymous No.16737169]

>>16736741
Deano is a massive lad, and a legend to his mates.
At 5.30pm, he drives his Audi A5 home, careful not to scratch it 'cause it's on a really expensive lease. But it's worth it 'cause check out the Bluetooth capabilities.
He opens the door (which still has the film on the windows) of his new build in suburbia. He drops his M&S carrier bag on the floor; he'll save the Percy Pigs for later.
His girlfriend looks up from her phone, quickly closing Tinder.
>Hey babe, how was your day?
>Hey babe, great cheers, me and Danny had a right laff on one of the viewings and I'm in line to get a 2k raise if I keep these sales figures up.
His girlfriend looks away disinterestedly, thinking of the Chad from Tinder she's chatting up. Deano is glad she bought this barefaced lie and hopes his lie was good enough to cover his affair with Tina, some slut from the estate agents.
Deano swanks into the pristine kitchen, opens his bare cupboards, pulls out the only item in the cupboard - Worcester sauce. He douses his ready meal and chucks it into the pristine oven (still with film on the window).
Deano swings into the back room, a bare beige room that stinks of new carpet. It has a 65" TV in the corner with a slimline PS4 sat beside.
>Deano is a master at Fifa.
All his mates agree he's the don, especially at long shots and especially after a couple of Stellas. Deano the don.
>Deano the don!
Shouts one of his mates as Deano logs on
>Fucking Danny
Shouts Deano back, his girlfriend in the next room rolls her eyes as she sends another suggestive Snapchat to all contacts.
Deano goes on to win the match 17-10 and his league chances are looking great.
The oven timer goes off and Deano sprints back to the kitchen, he pours the sludge onto a pristine plate (still has sticker on the bottom).
He pokes his head into the lounge and offers his gf some, knowing she'll refuse.
>No thanks, I'm eating out with the girls
His girlfriend half lies, she breaks into a smile as she walks out of the door

[Anonymous No.16737171]

>Brother been abroad for 10 years living like a king in Asia
>Marries a Brit and decides to move back to Europe
>Bought a cheeky 1bed new build flat in London for £450K after being abroad for 10 years
>Help to buy
>His wife is an instagram thot working in PR
>No disposable income, no life outside of work
>Checked up who built his flat
>Fookin barratt homes m8

Can he be saved? Once the property market crashes he's trapped there. He can't even afford the mortgage as it is.

[Anonymous No.16737719]

>>16737171
All new builds are over valued in the Uk and they still sell at an ever diminishing rate. They're also built like shit. He's shagged mate.

[Anonymous No.16737850]

This pasta is pure kino

10/10

>>16736629
This whole thing is almost spot on about one of my mates but in Australia.
Bought a 500k shitbox 1.5hours north of Melbourne. If you stood in his garage and pushed hard enough I bet you could shake his whole house

[Anonymous No.16737996]

>>16737169
>Deano ... pulls out the only item in the cupboard - Worcester sauce
Oh dear god LMAO

[Anonymous No.16738105]

>>16737850
>>16736629
Fucking kek its the same in Canada too. Giant monuments of modern day plastic shit for houses built and sold for minimum 3x what they're worth at %5 down 35 fuckin years.
Those same cucks go out and lease a car & snowmobile paying down only interest every month
half the population within $200 canadian sheckles of not being able to make monthly bills
Highest household debt in the wold
>mfw how did people get so fucking retarded with money