/biz/ - Business & Finance

[Anonymous No.15974415]

>Let's circle back to that item later, it seems out of scope
>I added David's team to the weekly meeting, I'm hoping to leverage some synergy between groups if we focus on our core competencies
>We can touch base during tomorrow's standup, give you some time to get the lay of the land
>I want to highlight our value add and show that this is a win-win
>I'm feeling out of the loop here, when was the last time Frank ran the numbers?
>Brandon is going to do a deep dive into the data and perform a drill down into our key customer segments
>This initiative is really going to move the needle on our top KPI's
>We can already make this a game changer by taking care of some low hanging fruit
>Let's take that offline, ping me when you know you'll be available
>We're not trying to boil the ocean here, our north star hasn't changed

[Anonymous No.15974942]

saved

[Anonymous No.15975025]

Nothing terrifies me more of becoming an office wagecuck again more than these threads. I absolutely MUST make it.

[Anonymous No.15975042]

>>15974942
You think this is new?

[Anonymous No.15975178]

>>15975025
it truly is the darkest destiny. I hope we make it anon

[Anonymous No.15975220]

>>15974415
>This wasn't on my radar before this meeting
>Yes, now that you mention it, it is a core element of the project
>I think we could circle back and hash this out offline so we can have our ducks in a row for our follow up call with the higher-ups this afternoon
>Hey Anon, can you find the bandwith to do a deep dive into the data on the points Jim brought up, we don't want to get caught with our pants down this afternoon
>Make sure everyone has been sent a calendar invite for the call at 4
>Once you've finished all of that, ping me when you're available and we'll touch base

[Anonymous No.15975243]

>>15974415
Tech isn't much better
>Hey guys, time for the daily stand up!
*snorts latte*
>We're really behind on the latest spring so we've bought everyone bean bag chairs and hired a personal barista!
>Now whenever you fail a code review, everyone in the office gets a shot at you with the new nerf guns!
>Hahahaha, I love having fun here. You wouldn't get this kind of ~company culture~ at one of those fancy corporate jobs, would ya!
>Now, onto the brass tacks.
>Turns out [hipster meme framework] is now deprecated so we need to move on to [latest hipster meme framework]
>I know you wanted to see your wife's son before his clarinet recital, Mike, but I'm afraid you're gonna need to work overtime for the next 4 months
>But don't worry, this will all blow over after our fourth round of funding though

[Anonymous No.15975275]

>>15974415
I work at a library and I hate how similar this is

[Anonymous No.15975629]

>>15975178
Godspeed

>>15975275
How is that possible? I always figured working at a library must be ultra chill, kind of like working as a security guard.

[Anonymous No.15975682]

>>15974415

GOD DAMMIT TOO FUCKING SOON

[Anonymous No.15975800]

>>15975243
im so glad mine is only once a week and its just an update on what we worked on none of this lets change to a new meme language shit.

[Anonymous No.15975808]

>>15975025
>>15974415
It kind of sucks, but it's p easy tbHONest, since office speak is a basic protocol.

[Anonymous No.15976161]

>>15974415
>sure it’s a great idea but if the MVP doesn’t show product market fit then we need to go back to the sprint. Let’s try it lean this time.

[Anonymous No.15977119]

>>15975220
boomers do not use the term hash

[Anonymous No.15977131]

>Anon you're on mute

[Anonymous No.15977136]

>if we trim some fat in HR, we can generate 3.56% more profit this quarter for our shareholders

[Anonymous No.15977145]

>who do we have on the call?

[Anonymous No.15977152]

@team
@bob

why not just say Bob?

[Anonymous No.15977171]

>>15977136
Said no company ever

[Anonymous No.15977183]

>Lets firelane this and then parking lot it immediately until the MVP makes sense from ROI perspective

[Anonymous No.15977232]

>>15975800
Mine used to be like this with a 15-30 minute meeting on the upcoming week. Now it's that every day and then 5-6 hours of additional meetings each week.

[Anonymous No.15977237]

>>15975243
It hurts. This is so accurate, it hurts.

[Anonymous No.15977247]

>beep boop
>*JOHN HAS CONNECTED*
>*Static noise*
>*mic ruffles*
>"HELLO? HELLO CAN EVERYONE HEAR ME?"
>beep boop
>*Tim has disconnected*

[Anonymous No.15977420]

http://conferencecall.biz/
You're not welcome

[Anonymous No.15978326]

>>15974415
Based and consulantpilled

[Anonymous No.15978605]

>>15977183
>lets "yield sign" this while we move our core project from "fire hydrant" to "loading only", then we can "circle intersection" back to "on ramp"ing our core synergies. Glenda, can you "emergency shoulder" these files and "call box #6788" them back to corporate?

[Anonymous No.15978770]

>>15977247
KEKed at this so hard I snorted my latte

[Anonymous No.15979186]

>>15974415
holy fuck i hate waging

[Anonymous No.15979714]

>>15974415
I can't imagine being an Anglophone and not understanding at least 95% of this.

[Anonymous No.15979752]

>>15974415
I remember before I first started working I thought this corporate lingo was a meme but then you start working and realize it isn’t. I always thought maybe I’d hear it and think people were being semi-ironic about it but it turns out there are people who take this seriously.

[Anonymous No.15979791]

>>15974415
Something I genuinely do not understand is how ANYONE can look forward to doing THIS?? Everything everyone seems to be talking about is just getting a better job, what things would further your job/career, and "business opportunities". Even when talking to regular businessmen they seem absolutely retarded
>friend who has been traveling through the country comes back to the city
>calls at midnight
>"ANON ANON WE GOTTA MEET UP, SHIT'S BLOWING, WE HAVE SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT"
>invites me over to have supper with his family
>get ready, he comes to get me
>turns out we actually head to a bar a friend owns
>my feet hurt, the music is too loud, I want to go home
>barely get the chance to speak due to music, notice he just wants to chill
>finally get to the bar owner's house at 5 am after the bar closed
>explains what he's been up to and a (((new concept)))
>takes fuckall of time to show us how a brain works when seeing girls, how musicians doing so are huge, how he closed deals with this shit, how this will revolutionize sales everywhere in an untapped market
>all while smoking pot
>finally get home at around 10 am
He took a fucking night just to say "sex sells". I'm still salty about it and that's time I wont ever get back, what's worse is that this guy is not the only case of them being retarded.