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/biz/ - Business & Finance

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File: 59 KB, 580x392, L.P.D.-shouts.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
8025237 No.8025237 [Reply] [Original]

I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.

“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”

“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”

“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”

The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”

“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”

“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”

He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”

I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.

“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.

“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.

“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”

It didn’t seem like they did.

“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”

>> No.8025254

Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.

I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.

“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.

Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.

“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.

I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”

He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.

“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”

“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.

“Because I was afraid.”

>> No.8025286

>>8025254
“Afraid?”

“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”

I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.

“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”

He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.

>> No.8025739

>>8025286
love it

>> No.8025801

Why

Double

Space?

>> No.8026174

>“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®”

Kekkkkk. Is this OC OP? If so you should continue and post it somewhere with a bigger audience

>> No.8026524
File: 90 KB, 800x761, flat,800x800,075,f.u1.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
8026524

>>8025237
>>8025254
>>8025286

>> No.8026589

>>8025801
Reddit spacing

>> No.8026613

>>8025801
>>8026589

it's not even OC

>> No.8026625

Best copypasta.

>> No.8027011
File: 50 KB, 676x720, 1519739900848.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
8027011

>Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs®
Makes me lose my shit every time

>> No.8027062

>>8025237
brilliant. was even more brilliant when i read it for the first time in the New Yorker a couple of years ago, but still, thanks for the laughs

>> No.8027117
File: 38 KB, 611x404, 9b5.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
8027117

>>8025286
>>8025254
>>8025237
Magnum Opus

>> No.8027191
File: 27 KB, 280x210, E79B5EB8-6EB6-459E-A325-3E17EEBAF125.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
8027191

>>8025237
Great except for the imbrications such a world would have roads

>> No.8027227

>>8027117
Agreed. This is surly a magnificent octopus.

>> No.8027334

>>8025254
>I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
gets me every time

>> No.8027530

>>8025237
(You)

>> No.8027544

Me and my partner were sitting in our cruiser eating Halal doughnuts and watching Jimmy Kimmel clips on our Obama phones when a call came in that there was an active shooter at the local highschool. "Allah Akbar" I said "That school is a gun free zone. These shooters must have vision problems if they can't read the signs. there should be a compulsory eye exam before you buy a gun." We looked out our windows to see children running and screaming out of the school, loud shots could be heard. "Look at that poor infidel." My partner pointed to a young girl about the age of Muhammeds child bride, peace be upon him, she was bleeding profusely. "Look it's little Melanie Parker. I used to use the stingray scanner to follow her home poor thing." "Do you think we should help her?" I asked "No" my partner stroking his bushy Arabic beard said "You know the saying more blood on the streets means more money for police." We sat and watched as the killer reloaded, I went back to watching Jimmy Kimmel, he was crying again.

>> No.8027737

>>8025237
Get this penny novel shit writing of my desk.