/biz/ - Business & Finance

this but unironically

>Let's circle back to that item later, it seems out of scope
>I added Brad's team to the weekly meeting, I'm hoping to leverage some synergy between groups if we focus on our core competencies
>We can touch base during tomorrow's stand-up, give you some time to get the lay of the land
>I want to highlight our value add and show that this is a win-win
>I'm feeling out of the loop here, when was the last time Frank ran the numbers?
>Brandon is going to do a deep dive into the data and perform a drill down into our key customer segments
>This initiative is really going to move the needle on our top KPI's
>We can already make this a game changer by taking care of some low hanging fruit
>Let's take that off-line, ping me when you know you'll be available
>We're not trying to boil the ocean here, our north star hasn't changed

>>52981295
>We're not trying to boil the ocean here, our north star hasn't changed

>>52981295
It's like I'm living in the movie Brazil! How awful.

>>52981199
>>52981295
you just killed my will to start looking for a new job next year

Are American companies really like this

>>52981362
Mission accomplished, he did you a favor.

>>52981391
I work for an American Insurance company in London.
I've heard the following:
>Let's circle back to that item later, it seems out of scope
>I'm feeling out of the loop here, when was the last time Frank ran the numbers?
>Let's take that off-line, ping me when you know you'll be available

>>52981503
i already havevn't worked te past 2 years, i did enjoy myself traveeled the world and met a new gf. but to import her back into my homeland i need to have a job sadly. im gonna be so depressed in the office building holy fuck.

>>52981295
>I'm just not sure the juice is worth the squeeze
>Nice win, Stacy!
>Can we cut this lunch short I have a hard stop at 1
>I hear Brian won the President's Club Award this year!
>We're going to need all hands on deck here can I get a weekend warrior?

>>52981391
Dear Anon,

We appreciate your interest in Globohomo Inc. While our team found you smart and likable, we ultimately decided to go in a different direction regarding your application. Fostering a strong culture is one of our core values and other applicants better fit our needs in that department. We wish you all the best in your future endeavors!

Thank you.

Stacey Richardson
Human Resources
Globohomo Inc.
Stacey@globohomo.com
(666) 420 - 6969

>>52981538
possibly the best tits in crypto

>>52981391
yes it's actually like that
corp life is hell

>Ping me later

>>52981199
>Sounds like a 2023 problem, let's save that for next year!

>>52981661

>make it a great weekend so we can make it an even better Monday!

>What’s our path forward for this month?
>We need to get exposure to different communities
>Let’s figure out what the customers’ needs are
>What’s our play in this?

>>52981295
Thing is, If you can talk like this and not kill yourself, it hugely pays off. Corporate speak is an asset that can help you make big jumps. I started using more of it in the last year and there was like a 3 months period where I felt hallow and fake, but it got results. I now use it almost exclusively with other managers and higher ups and it works fucking wonders.

>>52981210
Fpbp unironically

>>52981199
>CEO says happy ramadan in company wide email
>uses happy holidays on christmas

>im not tracking on that
>i don't have the bandwith for that

>>52982595
>if you can recite corporate litanies and shibboleths without reflexively killing yourself then all the other initiates will understand you're part of the in-group
i hate it.

>>52981617
Pronouns were not specified. Clearly fake.

>Hey guys, time for the daily stand up!
*snorts latte*
>We're really behind on the latest spring so we've bought everyone bean bag chairs and hired a personal barista!
>Now whenever you fail a code review, everyone in the office gets a shot at you with the new nerf guns!
>Hahahaha, I love having fun here. You wouldn't get this kind of ~company culture~ at one of those fancy corporate jobs, would ya!
>Now, onto the brass tacks.
>Turns out [hipster meme framework] is now deprecated so we need to move on to [latest hipster meme framework]
>I know you wanted to see your wife's son before his clarinet recital, Mike, but I'm afraid you're gonna need to work overtime for the next 4 months
>But don't worry, this will all blow over after our fourth round of funding though

>>52982595
the sad part about it is that its all just this insidious way of talking that helps you draw blood from others without getting cut yourself. the more new fake words you learn puts everyone else on the defensive cause no one wants to be the fucking retard who has to ask "what does 'reticulating our splines' means?"

>>52982527
wtf is this real?

http://conferencecall.biz/

>They gave everyone cookies with "happy 100th day" written on them because the CEO has been with the company for 100 days

>>52982527
Oh my

>>52981199
Company wide message:
Eid Mubarak
Happy Ramadan
Hanukkah Sameach
Happy Kwanzaa

Merry Chri…. Errr … Happy Holidays Goyim! Don’t forget to get your 5th booster during your time off!

>>52981617
You forgot the part where they say they'll keep your resume on file somewhere and look at it for other openings but no one in the history of mankind has ever heard back when they say this.