/biz/ - Business & Finance

>>18911870
Based

>>18911870
Hint at a company mascot and see who jumps at the opportunity to design it or wear the suit.

Blame it on whoever you dislike the most. You have become judge, jury, and executioner. Use this power wisely.

an orgasm in the middle of the workday is scientifically proven to improve work performance

>>18911913
really? is htere a difference between a normal orgasm and a prostate orgasm?

>>18911905
this

>>18911905
Office politics 101, baby.

>>18911870
Just sell it. If it's from bad dragon, you could probably get $50 for a used one

>>18911905
Blame it on whoever has the position you want and can realistically get.

>>18911870
Do they not do dildo testing at your work?

>>18911930
prostate orgasm lowers depression dramatically (only lasts a few days though)

just look at everyones anus to see which one is gaping

>>18911870
Could it have been a dilator's insertion?

See who holds BSV

>>18911870

No one is going to admit to owning this dildo, so detective work is your only alternative.

Absolute first thing you need to do is taste the dildo. Do you taste petroleum jelly or lotion? Find the owner of the lube and you've found your faggot. Do you taste shit? Then it wasn't cleaned properly and your faggot is a slob. Does the shit taste like curry? Then the faggot is probably an Indian. This will give you clues to his identity.

Whoever looks like they might also lurk a Norwegian wood carving forum. Any outcasts, quiet or """creative""" types?

>>18911870
Is this a meat packing plant?

>>18911930
Prostate orgasm is gay and that is not ok.

>>18911870

Just send out a memo saying that Friday it's Penis inspection day at work
EVERYONE must bring there penis
Then look at everyone penis and see which one is similar
Reward the winner with the dragon dildo
?????????
be the hero

>>18912098
based deductive reasoner

A few options:

1) Just sit on it (not the dildo, the task) for as long as it takes to find someone. When your boss asks you about it, tell him it's very hard to get people to admit to using a dragon dildo and that your investigation hit a dead end.

2) Tell your boss that this is a ridiculous hunt and that unless someone gets caught doing it, you won't go looking for someone who uses a dildo at work.

3) Try to convince your boss that it's a prank and send out an email stating that pranks of a sexual nature will be seen as sexual harassment.

It literally had to have been you.

Put a dildo on the ground and see who picks up up moron

>>18912098

top kek

>>18912354
this. use their cravings against them
t. actual faggot

>>18912187
underrated

>>18912207
Based

This might belong to a diabetic. They use these to keep their insulin levels normal. You might want to do some research before making yourself look like an idiot to everyone else in your office.

>>18911870
Bssed

>>18911870
Easy.
>Disinfect and santiize the dragon dildo, preferably without touching it at all
>Put it in a clear ziplock bag for easy carry
>Walk around with it, stop at east person's desk to "check in" with them, or just stop to talk to everyone in the office, while holding the dragon dildo bag
>Don't mention or draw attention to the dragon dildo bag, just hold it in plain sight while you talk to them
>Take note of everyone's reaction. The culprit is likely to blush or look embarrassed upon seeing it, anybody else probably wouldn't even recognize what the mystery object is supposed to be (or what it's supposed to be used for)

>>18912098
Kek

It's OPs dildo you stupid cunts

>>18911870
it's your boss and you know it
you have to find a fall guy or you will be it

Ask all the men to come into the locker room and shove it up each one's asshole until you find the one that fits it. Jesus, anon. Have you watched Cinderella?

>>18911870
>no anal checks
I’m afraid this is the only way to know for sure, OP.

>>18912098
>curry = Indian
We can’t rule out the Thai.

>make a huge batch of bean salad for everyone
>no one will say no to a free lunch
>wait until farts kick in
>dude with the gaped butthole will have a distinct drawn out quiet fart
>report to the bossman

>>18911870
> found in the men's room

hold on Watson, that doesn't mean it was a man. It could be a biological female who identifies as a man.

I agree with >>18912098 though. If there's lube on it, then definitely faggot/man. Otherwise if it tastes of vaginal discharge, you're looking for a biological woman who may not be presenting as such.

>>18911870
>not being able to visually identify faggots

Wtf is wrong with people

I should have invested in bad dragon dildos i could be reselling them for 50% margin right now

>>18911870
dna test it, then secret swabs of everybody's computers after everyone goes home.

>>18911905
I feel like it's actually a 4D chess by the boss to fire OP, because whoever OP pins it on to fire will then get OP fired for workplace discrimination.

>>18911986
going from personal experience, this is pretty accurate

Sad times when this is the most entertaining thread on here

>>18911952
Do people really buy used sex toys?

>>18911870
It was obviously you. Your boss told you to find out who was sticking it up their ass, because he knows it was you, and he wants you to just admit what you did. If you come clean, he won't fire you. In fact, he probably has something special planned for you when you do finally admit what you did. :::wink:::

See if any of them hold link.

>>18911870
Place hidden tiny camera in tip ..
Put it back in the restroom
see which anus it goes to

Post the video.

Or just do a DNA test.

>>18911870
It belongs to whoever found it.

>>18913869
What if it tastes like semen?

>>18911870
sell it for 50 dollars

>>18911986
Fucking prostitutes probably does the same thing, you degenerate.

>>18914216
If it was owned by a Trannie or women i would.

it was me who left it there, maybe you fucks shouldnt have called me names behind my back. if you don't meet my demands, the entire mens room will be filled with various dragon dildos of varying sizes.

>>18913234
this but pick something that doesn't look like a dragon's penis but still similar

>>18911905
Yeah, basically this, but still you'll want to find out the real culprit, because now they'll owe you a debt for not getting them fired.

>>18914216
I know someone that had a huge collection of bad dragon toys and sold them for like 50% or more of the original price. If you boil them the buyers don't care. There's a huge second hand market for these things.

>>18913234
you'll also need to bring in a second dragon dildo some other time and do the same thing. then you can cross reference the results b/c the owner will react differently to theirs or a random one

>>18911870

OP, please place it in the last stall at 7am sharp and I will pick it up. No bully ok? (don't make me get HR into this)

>>18911870
Read the tale of Cinderella. The glass slipper part will reveal what you must do.

>>18917000
oWo IT FITS ME PERFECTLY HOW DID YOU KNOW tehe

so OP what'd you think of the smell?

>>18911870
1st: Weed out the obvious. While it is a possibility, I highly doubt it would belong to some boomer. Probably anyone 40 or over is safe from suspicion.
2nd: Now that you've narrowed down to age group it's time to filter out the real weebs from the rest. Try to drop some references, memes, or whatever you think will get their interest, and slowly ramp up the obscurity of said references. The more esoteric you get, anyone left still understanding is a likely culprit.
Casting a net even this narrow still might catch innocent folks given how internet/anime/meme/etc culture is now but out of 14 people I think your chances are pretty good.

>>18917000
>>18917109
AAHAAAHHAAAHAAHAHHAHAHAHA

>Anons going around trying out the dragon dick

>>18911870
>Does anyone have any advice on how to find our gaylord?
mirrors work incredibly well

>>18911870
check security footage near the bathroom entrance around the time it was discovered to narrow it down.

>>18917586
btw I only know this from experience

>>18911870
>find our Gaylord
haha you're a fag who is trying to find the best excuse to pin it on someone else. you're the culprit

It was your boss

>>18911905
so wise = abusing your power?

>>18911870
watch mindhunter

Find an office and seat the suspect in front of you. Place the dragon dildo behind you, in plain view, but with a towel on it so it looks like the dildo, but you can't tell for sure what it is.

Design a series of questions to put the suspect at ease. Then start asking them questions about practical jokes. Then steer the conversation to their hobbies. Then start asking them questions about their breaks Then push on to bathroom breaks, talk about how long their cowokers say they've been taking in the bathroom. Tell them someone recently found something in the bathroom and you're searching for who it belongs to.

Then pause, let the question rest for about 30-60s, then get up and unveil the dildo.

That's when you press hard. Ask them what they were doing in the bathroom that day. Ask them why they think bringing a giant dildo into the office is appropriate. Tell them about the penalties of sexual harassment in the workplace. Ask them repeatedly who it belongs to.

I dunno what happens next but that should do it.

>>18917968

>>18917782
this

>>18911870
okay boomer
make life for the wage cucks harder. BTW what shop you working in ? Asking for a friend, I dont' like bad dragon

>>18912207
>He doesn't use daily prostate orgasm to achieve maximum work productivity

Not gonna make it. In this world you need every edge you can get over your competition.

>>18911905
wise until the real perpetrator comes clean and makes you look like a liar

>>18911870
This is a ridiculously contrived scenario. Try harder next time. If real, it's obviously a prank.

>>18918841
>He can't spell yarmulke correctly

Anyone get the feeling that it was OP and he's making this thread so during an imminent police search he appears to be innocent ?

Back in 1998 I used to manage church's chicken and someone kept going into the bathroom and rubbing shit all over the walls of the stall. I always made this kid Red clean it up, we called him red because he had red hair, freckles and even gold teeth. He was from florida, kind of a weird kid. I always made him clean up the shit off the walls and we would laugh but I really wanted to find out who kept doing it so I had a camera set up and sure enough, it was Red that was rubbing his shit on the walls even though I was making him clean it up every time. Anyways I didn't see Red for a good year or so and then one day he showed up in a new honda civic on rims which was a big deal to us back then because we were all broke. I asked him how he got it and he replied, "I sell crack now". He opened up his glove box and showed me an ounce of crack and a gun. I thought damn, good job Red. I would never think to buy or sell crack but I was proud of him because he was such a loser and he found a way to make money. Fast forward another few months, there had been a string of home invasion robberies where apparently the burglar was rubbing a bunch of his own shit on the walls. Then next thing you know I heard the news that Red had robbed some house and tortured the elderly couple inside. He raped the old lady in front of her husband, then cut off the mans arms and killed them both. Turned out the honda along with the crack and gun belonged to a drug dealer that he had murdered before coming back into his old work. I can't believe I made a serial killer clean up his own shit off the walls, I'm sure he was planning on killing me. Anyway, maybe set up a camera outside the bathroom.

>>18913957

>discrimination
>I should be able to fuck my ass with a 14" dildo while at work

>>18912332
>3) Try to convince your boss that it's a prank and send out an email stating that pranks of a sexual nature will be seen as sexual harassment.
Realistically it is a prank
Have none of you ever worked in the real world before ?
No wonder UND is still so undervalued, the crypto community is still so immature

>>18917968
LOL

>>18920204
That's an incredible story.
There is a reason why you are on /biz/.
You have what it takes to behave like a psychopath without being one.
He probably feared you and may even had some respect.

>>18911870
Its you

>>18911870
Stick it up your ass, only way you can be sure.

>>18911895
this is the only right answer OP, ignore the post with all the (You)'s