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/biz/ - Business & Finance


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15960961 No.15960961 [Reply] [Original]

Entertain me /biz/

>> No.15961026

Entertain your king /biz/.
Tell me a tale.
I'd like to be entertained.

>> No.15961060
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15961060

Do these pleaseth you, sir?

>> No.15961064

>>15961060
Ok I’ll bite. Where’s the dick?

>> No.15961065

>>15961060
>Has thigh tattoo
No, peasant. Low quality women do not please me!

>> No.15961078
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15961078

>>15961064
100% Female

>> No.15961093

>>15960961
>>15961026
"A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

>> No.15961103
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15961103

>>15961060
Yes they're very nice but if I wanted this kind of entertainment I could hire a prostitute. I want something a little more exciting. Grand tales of adventure, danger and romance. I want something that brings me tears and then makes me rejoice. The greatest play not written.

>> No.15961108
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15961108

>>15961078
Yikes

>> No.15961129
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15961129

>>15961093
A bit short, and a strange plot twist. It seems like a tale rather common in our times. A random and abrupt conclusion seemingly nothing to do with the setup simply designed to wrap up the story or create a suprise effect. It's rather dull. I'm still bored.

>> No.15961130
File: 146 KB, 1280x1181, IMG_20190806_021903_336.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
15961130

remeber this roastie

>> No.15961142

>>15961129
I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

1/3?

>> No.15961145

>>15961142
Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

2/3

>> No.15961151

>>15961145
I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

3/4

>> No.15961153

>>15961151
This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

4/4

>> No.15961168

>>15961103
Theorising that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Doctor Sam Beckett stepped into the Quantum Leap accelerator and vanished... He woke to find himself trapped in the past, facing mirror images that were not his own, and driven by an unknown force to change history for the better. His only guide on this journey is Al, an observer from his own time, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Sam can see and hear. And so Doctor Beckett finds himself leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong, and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home…

>> No.15961172
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15961172

https://vocaroo.com/i/s18AjfUgNu2S

>> No.15961175

>>15961168
a-am i retarded?

>> No.15961177

>>15961153
Great story

>> No.15961195
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15961195

well you know what they say

Cum and go
Drip and dip
Nail and bail
Nut then strut
Plow and ciao
Suck and duck
Skeet and yeet
Hit it and quit it
Ram and scram
Screw and shoo
Shoot and scoot
Squirt and revert
Smash and dash
Skeet and retreat
Rape and escape
Hump then dump
Kiss then dismiss
Finger don't linger
Cuddle then scuttle
Breed then proceed
Get laid then evade
Jack of then back off
Ejaculate and evacuate
Go down and skip town
Impregnate and immigrate
Tear her apart then depart
Bust a nut then leave the hut
Fuck her ass then hit the gas
Suck her toes then say adios
Fill her hole then take a stroll
Shoot the Jizz then out you is
Spray DNA and refuse to stay
Smash mouth and dash south
Give her cock then run a block
Make a baby and run like crazy
Smash her rear then disappear
Hit the spot then ditch the thot
Blow your load and hit the road
Shoot the glaze then run aways
Shoot your goo and say "adieu"
Give her meat then hit the street
Shoot your shit then fucking split
Get some brain then ride the train
Paint her face and leave the place
Give her the dick and get out quick
Fill the crack and never come back
Ruin her sheets then hit the streets
Rock her box then change the locks
Insert your cock then promptly walk
Make her your play mate and vacate
Slide in your meat then hit the street
Fertilize her seed then need for speed
Empty your sack and don't come back
Cum on her back then get on the track
Fuck her fast then leave her in the past
Get insider her gown then get out of town
Prove you ain't gay then run the fuck away
Please your monkey and leave the country
Take her virginity then change your vicinity
Give it to the lad then make like a black dad
Prompt her wetting then change your setting
Explore your sexuality then reposition your locality
Upload your genetic information then appear in a different nation
Preform vaginal penetration then proceed to change your location
Put yourself inside her a fair amount then change your physical whereabouts

>> No.15961199
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15961199

>>15961153
Fucking. Legendary.

>> No.15961206
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15961206

>>15961153
Haha I had a best of laughs at this tale. Oh how silly woman can be. Very cunning. Quite entertaining my friend, quite so.

>> No.15961210
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15961210

>>15961108

>> No.15961250
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15961250

Yes, I feel a little bit back to my old self again. Woman can inspire grandiose tales. They're such funny little creatures aren't they?
Well it is time for me to go off to bed now. Have a pleasent day, drink lots of water and all those things. Cherry-O!

>> No.15961291

>>15961195
Saved it

>> No.15961317
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15961317

>>15960961

>> No.15962455
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15962455

marketing 102

>> No.15963280

>>15961153
>old reddit copypasta
>guy thinking he won for forgoing his biological immortality
>newfags clapping
this place has gone to shit

based king tho

>> No.15964085

poo poo pee pee

>> No.15964111
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15964111

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=117&v=c9rUrnk--VE

>> No.15964116

>>15960961
>>15963861

>> No.15964131

>>15961172
>https://vocaroo.com/i/s18AjfUgNu2S
How can one post be so based

>> No.15965244
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15965244

>>15961210
>a 10
>that face

>> No.15966430

>>15960961
I highly suggest you take some time to read and look into the project Ultra io.
It wants to disrupt the billion dollar industry, which is gaming. They also want to compete up against the industry giants like steam and G2A by cutting the fees from 30% to 15%!
As the fees are cut and all games / ingame objects are decentralised, users will be able to decide what to do with their own games / objects.

>> No.15966471

>>15961153
>and then everyone clapped