/biz/ - Business & Finance

told a coworker that public school boys are all pricks

turns out he went to public school

i wasn't wrong though

Caught masturbating in my office to Asanagi.

fucking a bosses wife and leaving her cold body on the terrace

>>13397007
private schools are for sexual oppression your parents hate you

I was taking a shit and apparently the locking mechanism wasn’t working properly so someone opened the door and I said “what the fuck” and fumbled to pull it shut. Luckily I wasn’t mid wipe with a nice handful of brown streak. Still embarassing though.

>>13396988
Told my coworkers I listen to classic rock and now they come in my office all the time with dad rock songs saying “who sings this?” And laugh when I can’t answer

>tfw excited for new job
>mandatory penis inspections on the first day

>>13397256
OWNED. Guess you'll think twice, zoomzoom.

Crashing my car on the premises

>>13396988

I fucked my nympho half japanese intern (who had big fake tits, kinda gross actually) all over my boss's house (where his business was located in the first floor). His friend was staying there while he was out of town and she and I didn't realize it. We were fucking on his kitchen table and the guy started unlocking the door so we bolted downstairs to the office. There was like a sliding pocket door closing off the office and she and I were standing in there fully naked as the friend started walking down the stairs after us, praying he didn't knock on the door or come in. He didn't come in, but I'm positive he knew what was up and mentioned it to my boss. My boss is awkward as hell though so if he did know he never said anything about it. Probably the most reckless and nearly disastrous thing I've ever done (un)professionally.

Related story but she was like a horny schoolgirl all the time and wore lingerie under her clothing to work because every time my boss went upstairs or out on an errand she'd flash me or I'd stick my dick in her up skirt for like a minute or two. Sometimes it was like in the span of time it took him to go upstairs and make tea. It was ridiculously stupid on our part. The office was set up with a big desk with 4 computers. I sat next to my boss on one side and she would sit at one of the computers on the other side. I could see her but my boss couldn't because his screen was in the way. Sometimes she would look at me and masturbate while we were all there in the room doing work. Such a slut. BTW, she was married to her old high school teacher and had an arrangement with her husband where they'd fuck other people and then quickly meet up to have jealousy-fueled sex. It was weird.

>>13397256

god bless you pasta anon

>>13397645
Based

Whats her #?

Forgot to lock bathroom door of our departments private restroom. Middle aged female co-worker saw my dick.

>>13397666

I mean it's really not as fun as it might sound. It was almost like she was a drug addict but with sex; totally impersonal, compulsive, and heartless. Actually made me really depressed.

>enter bathroom
>bathroom has only 2 urinals. Boss is using one of them
>walk up to urinal and whip it out
>boss has a stong, loud stream
>get stage freight and can't pee
>bathroom is completely silent and it's obvious that I'm not peeing
>wait for boss to finish up, wash hands, dry hands, and leave
>still no sound coming from my urinal
>he knows

>>13397265
haha no way Greg is that you???

>>13397214
hahaha shock humor hahaha

>>13397214
is this a mr robot reference

>>13397694
Oh wow. Number?

>>13397756
6198675309

>>13396988
>after-work event
I feel like I dont live a real life. There are no non-Indian people my age at the IBM office, especially women, and we just don't have after-work events. Work is work. There is no social aspect.

>>13397667
>Usually stay late, like 3-4 hours after everyone leaves because it's the only way I can get work done
>it's been a couple of hours, go take a piss
>leave bathroom door open because no one there
>see something out of corner of my eye
>look over
>blur disappears into hallway
>secretary yells out "SORRY ANON, BUT WHY DIDN"T YOU CLOSE THE DOOR"
>tell her wasn't expecting anyone to fucking walk in
>she forgot something in her office
I don't give a fuck. I mean once you've fingered someone at a bar, took her out back and bust a load in her face there's things that shuoldn't bother you guys anymore.

>>13397694
Your genetic makeup doesn't appreciate such sluts, I would like to meet this fine specimen.

>>13397761
thx. daygo chicks are sluts

>>13397828

Nah when I was at art school I banged an unrelenting slew of sex positive, hot as hell girls. But they were all great and warm people for the most part. There was something more pathological about this girl.

>>13397645

Got a pic? I need to attach a body to this story

I banged a coworker and she told her friend I have a big dick and then that friend told the entire staff of 30 people. Everyone smiled at me all day bros and a couple approached me about it. So embarrassing bros.

>>13397253
This exact thing happened to me once. I forgot about it until now.

>Graduated from University of Florida, a school where injuryball is a big deal
>Note to brainlets: Injuryball is football
>Coworker graduated from a college whose injuryball team hates ours (Tennessee)
>Staff meeting on a Monday in fall
>Coworker trash talks to me about how bad his team beat our team
>I look at him and clearly have no idea what he's talking about
>I respond "That was THIS weekend?"
>Everyone laughs at me
>I usually check the score and summary of the game on Sunday so I can talk intelligently about it and seem like a normie. I forgot to do it this week.
>I outed myself, in front of everybody, as the one guy who isn't that into injuryball
>For the rest of the season, up until the Super Bowl, everyone has a running joke where they respond "That was THIS weekend???" every time somebody talks about a recent football game

>>13397908

Not a chance, anon. Posting photos is where I draw the line, if I got doxxed it would be the end of me professionally. Just know she was half japanese and half south american, super fucking hot with tiny waist and fake tits, and was maybe a little basic for my tastes... too much makeup and also lingerie doesn't really do it for me

>>13398022
>I usually check the score and summary of the game on Sunday so I can talk intelligently about it
>i outed myself
Why put that effort in to begin with? Why not just be honest with yourself and avoid wasting your time on something like that?

>>13397705
O God i get pee shy too sometimes randomly and have no idea how to overcome it. It only just started happening a couple years ago

>>13397645
Was this in the state of Georgia?

>>13397705
go into a stall next time retard

>>13397694
>totally impersonal, compulsive, and heartless

Sounds about right for a chink

>>13397922
You liked it, you fucking liar!
t. Fellow big dick owner

>>13397705
i would have kms

>>13398022
I would kill myself (because I had gone to such a badaschool).

>>13396988

Not at work but with people from work (which is the same shit for me)...

Last week was the last day of my coworker because the lucky motherfucker got a new job and "we" all decided to go to that fancy bar after work and have some drinks. Everyone went (about 15 people). The shitty part starts here, first of all i'm an introvert (don't mistake for being shy, which is something i've never been), and since i'm very quiet in certain situations (that was one of them because i didn't wanna be there at all, i was supposed to be in college studying for an important project, but i have consideration for the guy so i felt like that meeting was something i had to do), people started coming at me with the same old bullshit everyone does with quiet people:

>anon, why you so quiet? lol
>guys, don't you think anon is too quiet? lol
>so anon, what's your opinion on x? lol
>hey anon, you gonna finish that drink or not?

That alone is already embarrassing, but it got worse once someone asked me to pick a topic for the conversation. Now that's something normies mistake about quiet people, they think that we want to talk when in fact we don't. If i want to talk or i need to, i will.

Anyway, they asked me to pick a topic, and whenever i talk to normies i try to pretend i'm one, just because it's more convenient for me, it keeps me from having to explain something or getting too personal. So they asked me what i like and i said "videogames", and they started having the most normie/cringe conversation i've ever seen in my entire life and the worst part is that i was involved in it the whole time. It was one of the most uncomfortable situations i've ever been.

>>13398022
How fuckin cringe r they, football is fuckin gay lololol

>>13396988
I caught my coworker browsing /mlp/. I was coming back to the office from lunch, he must've not heard me come in but I was just about to say hi to him when I saw what was on his screen over his shoulder. we sit next to each other - i wasn't tryna creep. there's also nobody else in our area besides a few other wagies but we lock our doors off during lunch to the rest of the building. I carefully backpedaled a few steps and then said hi to him across the room so he'd have a few seconds to "hide" the tab from me over to some bullshit like the local news or whatever. Dude was fast and slick, I honestly wouldn't even know he was up to something had i just said hi when i walked in.

I just... don't understand those kinds of people...

Was working with a consulting company teaching nursing managers some ways to improve efficiency on their units. Stomach made a horrible grumbling noise that at least a few of them must of heard and then one of the managers said something along the lines of 'better that end than out the other'. I was kind of caught up in the moment and didn't put together what she said until after I realized she thought I let out a huge fart when that's not what happened at all. I still think about it now and then. It haunts me...

>>13398256
>i went to a bar
>i had to talk to people
you poor thing :(

>>13397214
lol I saw that episode of house md

>>13397979
>>13397253
Do you dummies actually not check to see if the lock works in any stall you use? Common sense desu. I opened the door on some retard at the airport who was shitting and he was calm as hell and just stared at me and said “occupied”.

First job out of college I worked for a sassy black lady that I think got off on having power over white males. Once when I first started there she unreasonably denied a vacation request so I went to her boss with the request afterwards. Anyways she went off on me and I almost got fired and she chimped out on me so hard I almost cried.

That whole job was shit though luckily I got out after 2 years and have a really comfy job now.

>>13398443
Was this in cancun

>>13397705
Welp, didn’t even need to post mine, this happened to me too

>>13396988
I got drunk too and woke up in the bedroom of a female coworker trying to fuck her, but she wouldn't let me do it without a condom. Before, I threw up all over her car. When I realized what I was doing, I remembered I had a girlfriend and started to cry, feeling bad for her.

I think someone put something in my drink that night.

bump

>>13397256
Have you told us already what you listen to you autist?

>>13397645
That's the coolest LARP ever.

Got caught listening to badass heavy metal music while wearing my leather jacket and having sex with this hot ass Japanese chick on my motorcycle. It was so fucking cringe and embarrassing bros. So awkward being known as the badass that fucks hot asian chicks at work

>>13397667
This but on the other side. Why don't people lock the door reeee

>>13398286
>tfw no horsefucker coworker
>tfw no horsefucker fren

>>13397256
Ebin

There's this coworker at my office who tends to be a bit uptight, he comes in and goes to lunch at the exact same time every day. Like I swear he has an internal clock, doesn't even need to look at his watch. Also he makes these really dumb 'clever' british jokes which aren't really jokes but more like trivia. Anyway, once I forgot to lock the bathroom door and it just happened to be this coworker who opened it and caught me smearing shit all over the walls.

>>13397761
Is that a spanish number?

>>13398256

Just dont go anymore. Its not like anybody gives credit to you for you atleast ´being there´ in the first place.

>>13397256
>HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW 'THE POLICE'

Was shitting on the toilet when a guy walked in, I had forgot to lock the door.

>>13397645
could he not smell it? i can smell a wet pussy like a shark in water

>>13397772
be grateful for this anon, getting drunk with coworkers is a recipe for disaster if you have any secrets

>>13398022
>went to UF
oh wittle bwainwet didn't get accepted to miami

this is not me and I am glad
but still pretty fucking bad as I myself feel immense second hand embarrassment

>be in MEP engineering company
>surprisingly normie but once in a while there is typical introvert
>majority is guys but we actually have a nice balance of hot women
>one day a rumor spreads
>guy from another company goes full sperg
>sends letter to a girl he crushed on in his company that dates around
>this is because she got a new boyfriend
>he is upset that his friendship is being trampled on
>has a full nice guy tantrum with her in the breakroom
>cant take it anymore and resigns from his job
>girl is like wtf and tells everyone
>MEP community in NYC is quite small so this spread everywhere

dont know what happened to the guy afterwards but must be difficult to land a job somewhere now

>>13396988
Basically the few times a girl approached me during the first year I was there before everyone figured out that I was a sperglord

>I forgot what capeshit was on at the time, but there was one that just came out
>"Hey, anon! Are you gonna go watch [that movie]?"
>"nah, I'm not into cape movies"
>figured out my mistake a day later and tried asking her out. She said she has a bf (lie)

>doing my shit
>someone from my new team (at the time) comes up and starts talking to try and get to know me
>"What do you like doing on weekends?"
>give some bullshit answer that makes me look busy instead of taking the bait and asking her out

It sucks too because Tinder sucks in my area. I'm almost three years into a dry spell as far as dates go.

>>13397761
>not making the area code be 420 as the icing on the cake

NGMI

>>13397705
The only benefit of a blue collar job is that if somebodies in the bathroom you can walk in, wash your hands and leave and nobody thinks twice about it

>>13398523
Thank god for /pol/ because I have no respect for black people and if one freaked out at me I would just find it humorous

>>13396988
Apparently my laptop had a virus in it. I connected it to the company wifi and was told my computer had sent data worth potentially millions to somewhere in Russia. Our clients were multi-million dollar companies and secrecy was very important. Was almost fired immediately and they wanted to confiscate my computer. I convinced them to let me run MalwareBytes then take it home and never bring it back again. I was fired 2 months later.

>>13398055
In most office jobs you have to be a brandfag to move vertically in the company. His coworkers all watch handegg, so now he has to feign interest in it to get ahead.

>>13398057
I start to psyche myself out mentally like "fuck it I own this fucking place yeah fuck yeah I don't give a fuck." Sounds weird as hell if I type it out but that's what I do in my head.

>>13397256
>>13398022
How do you guys all manage to have such similar coworkers with running jokes?
Everywhere I've ever worked everyone thinks I'm some kind of extremely serious but very smart guy who shouldn't be joked with. So I always see other people getting joked about and making friends but if I talk smiles disappear and people just answer me straight, every time. Why?

>>13401671
>I was fired 2 months later
what was the thing that ended up doing you in?

>>13401749
"We are sorry but your salary at this firm can no longer be justified." That's all I got. It probably had to do with the incident I mentioned above and a general lack of experience and they were completely unwilling to train me at all. I was literally told to "try begging other people here" for work to do so I could justify my salary. It was shit and they treated me like shit so it was time to go.
I remember showing up my first day and being told "ohh that was today? I totally forgot. Go sit in here and we'll figure out what to do with you." Ended up reading a massive user manual for some pretty outdated software, without any access to a computer yet, for 6 hours that day. No idea why they had hired me to begin with. I'm not a diversity hire or anything like that but if I think about it I think the boss was told to hire somebody new or something.

>>13398057
jesus christ you low t cuck faggot

>>13401692
mental illness

>>13401781
sounds like what would have happened to me if our department wasn't horribly understaffed from everyone leaving all the time. In white collar jobs, they typically can't fire you unless you got into a physical fight or molested someone, they instead use the annual reviews to clean house.

>>13401448
RIP, this is why you don't shit where you eat kids

>>13400242
Literally me

>>13397705
>tfw i'm actually terrified of this scenario and this is one reason i'm terrified to find a job

I got drunk at an after work function and started chugging beer out of pitchers and talking like a southern hill billy (I’m from a suburban neighborhood in California). Then, I started literally hurling bowling balls as hard as I could down the lanes, without any technique or form. It was like I was testing to see how hard and fast I could hurl each ball. And the balls were hitting the railing that kept coming down trying to pick up the bowling pins.

Also I started trying to freestyle rap and completely failed. After I woke up the next day I realized that I was sitting there doing all this while all my coworkers were just staring at me.

I have thought about killing myself

>>13396988
Apparently I made out with a disgusting beached whale while I was shit faced drunk and the fat disgusting chick thought that I fancy her. I still have nightmares from it.

>>13402920
>And the balls were hitting the railing that kept coming down trying to pick up the bowling pins.
Bowling alley mechanic here. Fuck you.

>>13402960
How did you acquire that job? Is it pretty laid back?

I’ve always wondered what encourages people to get random ass jobs like yours

>>13402974
I started there when I was 16 to have spending money and stayed through college while I worked my way up and learned. It is laid back but the pay is shit. Even AMF/Brunswick trained (two major bowling machine companies) make less than $30k I think.

>>13400226

Lol I promise you man, it's one of the weirdest and most cinematic things that's ever happened to me. But I think that was by design. I think she's the sort of person who gets her sense of sexuality and desires from porn/movie ideas of what's hot. Our desires were kinda incongruent in that way and we didn't hook up for more than a few weeks. There was something super toxic about her. I saw her at the guggenheim a year later and we met up a few days later to hook up and I kind up resentfully fucked her without making her cum. She was super mad and I will definitely never see her again.

I do have another good story I've realized, since reading some of these accounts of drinking with colleagues. I used to work at this super lame jewelry startup run by this guy who was into all this new age-y mindfulness/psychedelic awareness stuff but in the worst way because he was pretty dumb and not that critically sharp. Worst of all he wanted to get everyone to work for free and I basically developed a super complex 3D modelling grasshopper algorithm for him with a salary of around ~30,000/year. There was barely any sales or cash inflow and this guy was like paying his own rent and living like a king while withholding all our pay and I was getting in big trouble financially. The whole thing was extremely unethical. Moreover, even though we were functionally employees, he was paying us as independent contractors which has an important tax distinction that was very much in his favor and not ours (I have almost nothing to write off in that situation and would have owed a lot more in taxes). More on that later.

There was a cute russian intern there, again, managed by me. She and I were sort of always sharing these glances whenever my boss was doing these wack things, like a sort of camaradarie in being subject to his really exploitative and embarrassing antics. He had all these standing desks with mac computers because he demanded everyone work standing up like he did, and all of them were linked to his imessages on his phone. As I was clearly delivering far more valuable services than I was getting paid for, I really started misbehaving and slacking off until one day I was on one of the computers and he was texting someone that he was gonna let me go because it was like I didn't care at all anymore. Which was true. So I preemptively put in my notice which I think was a relief to him and me both.

My last day was on this day when the office was scheduled to have a pretty wild party with a sort of sister company involved in fashion, which he did every now and then. My cute russian intern's russian friend (a girl) worked there, which was one of our company's connections there. Long story short, I got really wasted. First, I proceeded to ask out our cute CFO and she gave me her number. Cool, because she definitely knows how little I made working there but didn't seem to care. Then, we all went out to this bar afterwards and there was a small group of kinda attractive 50-something women in our party who were desperately trying to feel young by being out with us, a younger group of men. This happens a lot in NYC. I ended up making out with one of them in front of the group, which I have no shame about.

My russian intern and her russian friend were sharing an apartment at the time and they were also drunk and wanted to leave to go home. I basically stole one of the bottles of grey goose from our party's table and piled into a cab with them. We all rode back to their place uptown, where--- I shit you not--- they were sharing a bed temporarily til one of them found their own place.

We all got naked and fucking messed around til finally one of them was really mad because she really wanted to fall asleep and I--- half asleep--- kept groping her tits. In the morning, my intern's friend disappeared to an errand and me and this intern hooked up a little more properly. What a fun night.

Oh yeah, then I filed my taxes later in such a way that petitioned the IRS to consider me an employee and not an independent contractor. My old boss got in big trouble because he was systematically doing this to employees which not only fucked over these workers, but is a actually a big issue for the IRS because a lot of businesses are doing it and it's draining social security of revenue. I moved to thailand for a year and then returned to city where I ran into him on the street. Lol, he fucking followed me for a block basically cursing my name. That fucker's business folded a few months later and he had to go back to miami.

>>13397772
>I feel like I dont live a real life. There are no non-Indian people my age at the IBM office, especially women, and we just don't have after-work events. Work is work. There is no social aspect.
literally any software dev job in the bay is like this. I was the only white young dude working on my floor, the rest were pajeets with families

>>13397214

Bonsoir Tyrell

>>13397772
This sounds based for the most part. I did bang one of my coworkers though, so I'd miss out on that.