/biz/ - Business & Finance

>>10558463
>That wasn't on my radar until now

STOP STOP STOP STOP THE PTSD AAAAAAAAAAA

>can someone get me a can of bangs, looks like we're going overtime

>>10558463
I want to die, that's not a joke

I've even stopped wearing my seatbelt

>>10558463
Student here. Is this accurate?

>>10558622
Yes

If you don't have any business ideas of your own before age 25 and realistic plans to completing them, you should probably just kys because this is your life. Unless you are a normie and you enjoy it, in which case you're probably just a soulless NPC.

I don’t even work in an office but reading these threads fills me with terrible existential dread

DELET THIS IMMEDIATELY

>>10558622
Yes

>>10558463
>Hi this is Janet in Atlanta anyone else on?
>Hi this is Rick in New York anyone else on?
>Hey Rick it's Janet in Atlanta
>Hi this is Bob in Miami anyone else on?
>Hey Bob this is Rick, in New York
>Hey Bob this is Janet in Atlanta
>Hi this is Joe in Seattle anyone else on?
>Hey Joe this is Janet in Atlanta
>Hey Joe this is Rick in New York
>Hey this is Bob in Miami

>>10558622
Any office based job that has an MBA within 500 feet is going to be like this. All day.

>>10558463
This is accurate

>>10558622
This is accurate

But what's intrinsically wrong with it, aside from the connotations with wagecucking? To me this is reasonable language to use in a professional situation. Consider the following and see which you prefer if you were in a team meeting with your boss and peers
>we need to make sure we aren't laying the tracks in front of the train, so let's set aside time next week to track our progrees against the project plan
Or:
>for fuck's sake anon what the fuck have you done to the timeline? See me in my office next Monday and fix this shit before then

If I worked in a place where my boss used the latter, I'd probably quit. Think about if your client was in the room, what would they want to hear? Yes there's a time and place to be direct, i.e.:
>we're at serious risk of fucking up this multi-million dollar project unless we X
>Y was a really risky decision and could have cost us the client, don't do that again without talking to the team about it first
>this is the fourth time we've told you not to do Z, don't fucking do it again

But for a senior management stakeholder addressing their team, all of OP's statements seem reasonable - not overly technical, easy to digest, simple and unambiguous without being emotionally charged.

>>10558728
Unironically, some of the most productive meetings I've been in used the latter.

People were so caught up in the bullshit, that it took someone chimping out, laying down some simple Alpha tier commands, and everyone falling in line for us to actually get a resolution to our problem.

>>10558622
100% accurate

>>10558463
omg it's legit my fucking life. Companies these days are a fucking meme.

>>10558662

Yep, listening to stories about office work life literally makes me want to kms.

>>10558463
I quit my blue collar electrician job for this. I want to go home :(

>>10558728

I don't mind throwing in the occasional business jargon because it is useful to convey common business problems. My issue is when a clueless PM starts it out in buckets to cover up the fact he is completely divorced from his project and has no idea what's going on. There's also a few Vendors/Consultants my team works with that try to use this strategy when they fail to meet their deliverables and obligations.


>>10558541
>>10558662

This thread isn't even that bad. The analyst fire drill horror stories from that thread earlier in the week were actually PTSD inducing.

>>10558848
>The analyst fire drill horror stories from that thread earlier in the week were actually PTSD inducing.

Remember the name or a link?

>Let's go ahead and hop on a call with corporate
>Tim I'm gonna make that your project, want you to own and and get back with me on it
>Let me get with payables and see where we are on Q3 numbers

>>10558867

>>10519162

The only horror story may have been the first post. The other ones are more general office humor.

>>10558911
Thanks

>>10558701
Mandatory and recurring conference calls are fucking cancer

>>10558463
im only 20 years old and i've heard every line here a million times already AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK WAGEKEKING I CANT WAIT FOR MY BUSINESS TO TAKE OFF

>>10558622
Yes

PMs don't really know what they're doing so they say this shit to keep looking busy

>>10559383

>Work in a Corporate Strategy division
>There are ~6 subteams in the division
>4 of the sub-teams are entirely made up of PMs with no quantitative skills
>Stuff as basic as taking averages needs to be outsourced to the Data Science team or the Reporting team because none of these fuckers can work Excel

I don't expect them to design dashboards or build an analytic strategy, but you should be able to handle low level shit like that.

>we need to get these EBIDA numbers up
>I'd you and Kelly to come up with a Data Driven solution to raise our clients social media interactions

>righto boys remember to fill out those JSAs we want all of ya getting home to the missus and kids this arvo

what I really can't stand is
>moving forward

>>10558463
>Dear Ms. Wallace: As you are aware, I represent Thomas Daubry in his claim against your insured, Lisa Christa Johnson, (hereinafter “your insured”). My representation arises from a wreck caused by your insured, in which Mr. Daubry sustained severe injuries from which he may never fully recover.
>The wreck occurred Tuesday, December 20th, 2012, at approximately 5:50 P.M., on GA 230 (Malcolm Bridge Road) at its intersection with Fleets Drive, in Howerton County, Virginia. Mr. Daubry was driving a white 2002 Toyota Corolla. He was stopped at a traffic light in the center turn lane of GA 140, preparing to turn left onto Fleets Drive. The light turned green and Mr. Daubry began to make his left turn.
>Suddenly, and with absolutely no warning whatsoever, he was hit head-on by a 2009 Jeep Grand Cherokee driven by your insured, in clear violation of O.C.V.A §40-6-20(a). Upon impact, the airbags of Mr. Daubry's vehicle deployed and he felt severe pain in his chest wall, neck, and back. His vehicle was ultimately declared a total loss. A photograph of his totaled 2002 Corolla is attached hereto as Exhibit 1.
>Officer Brandon Thompson of the Redville Police Department was the investigating officer. Officer Thompson cited your insured for failure to exercise due care in operating a motor vehicle, to which your insured pleaded guilty. A copy of the police report is attached hereto as Exhibit 2. Officer Thompson will testify both to the severity of the wreck and to the fact that your insured was clearly liable for the injuries Mr. Daubry sustained.

>>10558463
>synergy
>Let’s talk about that offline.
>you cannot possibly over-communicate
>I don’t WANT to have to micromanage you....

>team building
>exercise
>mandatory meeting
>retraining
>2nd verbal warning.

>Let's just jump right in
>Let's get right into it

>daily huddles
>quickwins
>Continuous Process Improvement
>let's take it offline

I DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANY OF IT REEEEEEEEE

Anyone else work in a place that talks so much about KPIs - huddles, meetings, updating stats etc. that you never have time to actually do fucking work so have to work on weekends like me now? Kill me

>I think we need to take a step back here and look at the full picture
>Yeah let's schedule a new meeting and go through all the powerpoints again
>Good Idea Paul, please run the numbers in Excel again
>Remember there is no need to stress this one

>>10558463
>unconscious bias training

>>10560829
>diversity awareness seminar

Day 1-"we're going to deliver this project in an agile, collaborative and innovative way. Get the low hanging fruit for quick wins. Let's do some visioning and create a road map"

6 months later-total fuck up, people leaving, millions spent, nothing delivered.

Start again, rinse, repeat.

>>10558463

this post triggered me

>Dev standup
>Lead dev: What are you working on?
>Dev #1: I'm working on [feature]...
>Dev #2: I'm working on [feature]...
>Dev #3: I'm working on [feature]...
>Dev #4: I'm working on [feature]...
>Dev #5: I'm working on a customer ticket...
>Standup over

>>10560979
Sprint planning

>>10559856
>get PhD in physics
>go into data science to do cool machine learning shit
>end up pulling SQL queries for salespeople and averages for PMs whose job only exists because you give them the data
>used as a marketing piece for investors that they have Dr Anon from Dick butt University on their team doing super cool research

Literally every DS guy I've ever worked with

They make bank though so whatever

>>10558463
>Mergers & Inquisitions guy shills banks and consulting, apparently you are never going to Make It® outside them
>this is the reality of the work

Lel

I love these threads.
They remind me that i do have a chance at competing with these giant behemoth corporations if even 1% of these posts is true.
The hiring process will be a real headache, though.

>>10561288
They only remind me of this absolute shitshow of a company that I'm working at. Saving up money so I can get back to uni next year.

>>10558848
I am guilty of being that PM at times.
Its hard to give a shit sometimes when you think your product is shit at the start, but higher ups insist.

I just protect the devs as much as possible from shit above.

>>10560979
>working

85% of developers are worse than pajeets only because they don't actually deliver shit.

The more they get paid, the lazier they are.

>this whole god damn thread

>>10561185
I work as a DS, they tasked me with reviewing coworkers code and stripping out all the unnecessary bullshit. It's so hard because they all write incomprehensible spaghetti code in a language i am relatively unfamiliar with. They unironically use GOTOs.

I just wannna build neural networks and throw in thousands of variables :(

Do these actually mean anything or are they just empty phrases?

>>10558870

HOW COME SHANIQUA NEVER HAS TO DO IT!

>>10561449
>anon could you get me the data on all the customers from Spain
>just like all the data, whatever we got

>>10560048
Yeah, I always think to myself, "oh, we won't be going back in time for this one?" when I hear that.

>>10562426
>Keep up this standard of work and you'll be smiling come the next pay review

And of course nothing comes

>>10561483
They do have meaning to people who have to cooperate to perform a job. Both the surface meaning and the political, context dependant, meaning.

>>10561449

Data Science bro here. It's because half of us come from some variant of an Applied Statistics background rather than a Comp Sci background so all of our code is shit.

please stop

>Lets get on a call and discuss our ideas for the LEAN initiative. I want everyone to bring one idea to the table that we can look into implementing. We're trimming the fat guys so let's really crank the gears here.

>>10558463
>Make sure jamal is at the meeting tomorrow so the boss doesn't see just whites there

>>10558739
This used to work until I started working with women. Actually working and addressing issues is "hostile".

>>10560854
I was unironically tasked to come up with a couple "I&D" KPIs for senior leadership, as "It's a big component of our operation plan going forward"

I had no idea what the hell I&D was 3 weeks into the project until I started pulling data for it and realized its "Inclusion and Diversity"

Felt like jumping off a cliff

Also, Deloitte S&O Senior Associate. This thread is giving me PTSD.


AMA

>>10561185
this so much. 300k starting salary for DS at bullshit companies like stichfix to be SQL monkeys

>>10564393

>that feel when your job consists of 60 hours a week of meaningless ticking boxes and signing off audits on companies who are obviously shady as fuck so they can offload their heavy bags onto boomers and pension funds

How the fuck have you lasted that long

>>10564642

He said S&O, not Audit.

>>10564368

Ugh. Though this could be an opportunity to focus the program on things that would actually improve D&I in a natural way (have the KPIs focus on general recruiting pipelines rather than some bullshit initiative) instead of forcing diversity via quota, still isn't something I'd be interested in.

>>10564393
I have very shitty credentials but got a interview at your company once. They let me do some weird IQ test bullshit as part of application process, they then started pursuing me relentlessly even offering me ridiculous benefits that was not part of the original job.

I got scared and lied to them saying things in my life changed and I can't work their anymore, they then went after me even more.

WTF is up with this? Why would they do that? I am a college dropout with a extremely shitty GPA.

>>10565131
because they understand that there's no substitute for intelligence and learning ability in the job they wanted to give you. some 110 iq subhuman taking that job while "knowing the motions" due to high experience would be much worse for them in the long run than a 135iq+ brainchad like yourself, who even if you made mistakes early, would be a tremendous asset later and would likely be singled out for promotion down the line due what they assumed would be your superior perceptive abilities.

>>10565131
My guess is because you're larping and you get to control your fantasies while doing so

six sigma black belt here
outta my way nerds! This business doesn't run itself!

>>10558463
*opens email*
>just a gentle reminder..
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

>>10566592
Fellow BB reporting in.
>I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing

>>10565642
Shit I fucked up. I hate SA so much.

>>10565919
Shitty larp then fren.

>Happy Monday everyone
>Just a quick reminder of today's 5 hours conference call with the Chicago team
>Everybody should be in the conference room at 2 PM

>team building exercises

>>10558463
>Fill us in with the sitrep during our next EOD debriefing

I had a manager who would always use 30 fucking business words for what could have been a 4 word sentence. And he couldn't even use correct grammar most of the time.

>>10558463
You forgot to include
>next slide

>>10568895

That's the mark of an amateur. The 30 year old PM is a consummate professional who has finely honed his presentation skills.

15 years of this shit

Combine that with business fags latching on to every single tech buzz word they hear about and repeating it over and over again as if mentioning it automatically generates profit.

>>10558463
Remember its not too late to be a dirt farmer in some shithole country. YOU CAN ESCAPE.

>>10560067
hahaha holy shit i've been writing these all summer

Buy link you wagefags and you'll be the boss in 3 years if you even feel like doing anything.

>tfw I don't work for a corporation

>>10558463
>So what's on everybody's plate this week?
>Let's see whats coming down the pipe...

>>10569217
You're missing out desu

>>10569735
Missing out on what?

>>10569761
>good benefits
>boss doesn't tolerate / shields us from corporate bullshit
>still get fuck around with "friendly reminder" type buzzwords for kicks
>company has budget for pay increase and bonus (for me) even though not doing great

I thought it would be soul sucking but it's the best decision I ever made. The ma and pa place would have fucked me over so hard for just a couple extra shekels forcing me to job hop.

>>10569830
I am related to the person I work for. It is the best.

>let's actually sit down and try to hammer something out. i'd rather not go half-cocked and fully-loaded into this one

>>10565131
The recruiters are usually interested in "smart" people, no matter their educational background. So IQ tests (they don't call them that) are basically the only way to measure this. SAT/ACT scores are also used sometimes.

It's a decent career choice if money is your thing though. 70-80K starting, and by Year 3 you are usually at 110-140K.

>30,000 foot view
>Cart before the horse

>>10569943
Holy shit my last project manager was completely obsessed with "30000 foot view". Probably heard the phrase at every meeting.

Eventually it morphed in incorporating subtle airplane analogies into every opportunity he could.

>>10569963
My condolences. A project manager who works near me in the office says it every conference call and I want to murder him.

I want to strangle people every time I hear them use some gay fucking acronym. I understand why acronyms are useful, I just can’t get over how fucking gay they and the people that use them all the time are.

>>10570005
ive got one that unironically says "irregardless" several times per week. its almost more irritating that he uses it so frequently.

>>10570065

Never join the military.

>>10570171
10-4 am I clear to 10-7?

>>10569943
>>10569963

Why can't people just say "I know nothing about the details of the project & I don't care to learn"

>>10570171

Army is fucking full of retards.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKorP55Aqvg

Literally any vaguely technical meeting.