/biz/ - Business & Finance

>>10519162
Just another day's work, boss! I'll bring donuts for the gang on Friday!

>Hey Anon were holding a can drive this month for charity. Think you could bring some in? It's for the battered women's shelter

Is this what wagies deal with? I'd kill myself

>>10519162
>jive
it's jibe you retard

>>10519162
>Hey EVP, didn't I forget to send you the metrics from last week?
>Oh yeah Anon! Don't worry, I made something up!

>>10519235

>>10519162

>Hey Anon, I need you to check the version of the deck Marketing sent over
>I think Dan's team put it together & they don't really have an attention to detail, just check that all the fonts are the same and sizes don't change
>Also go ahead and their reported metrics and charts tie to ours, we don't want repeat of last quarter
>Off by .8%? Go run the numbers for the monthly weighted average and a month end snapshot, replace their charts with whatever one has the best Quarterly growth
>Also you need to go and replace all the instances of "jive" with "jibe"

>>10519266
Kek, more

>>10519162
>but we need it first thing 7AM sharp
>they don't really need it 7AM sharp
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

>>10519162
STOOOOOOOOOP

>>10519235
Reread that fool, it's jive, be embarrassed

>>10519188
> Hey anon, we're having a team outing on Saturday. It's not mandatory but everyone from corporate will be there, so we need to make a strong showing. Looking forward to see you there!
> Oh and anon, could you get custom t-shirts for the event? I know it's Wednesday already but try to get it expedited. Maybe stop by the print shop after work. You're the man!

>This wasn't on my radar before this meeting
>Yes, now that you mention it, it is a core element of the project
>I think we could circle back and hash this out offline so we can have our ducks in a row for our follow up call this afternoon
>Hey Anon, can you find the bandwidth to doa deep dive into the data on the points Jim brought up, I don't think we need to boil the ocean, but I don't want to get caught with our pants down this afternoon
>We're just trying to make sure we can move the needle
>Let's take a step back, our North Star hasn't changed
>Ping me when you're available to touch base

>>10519504
where the fuck is all this bullshit jargon coming from? Why does it perpetuate everywhere?

I hate this shit, I want to fuck off on 4chan at home not relive my bs 30 year old boomer coworkers spitting lingo

>Anon great work but I’d like to talk to you about your highlights. You see, you’re using gold. I know that Gold is the color that Kim uses to highlight her excel sheets. Could you redo everything with another color please. Great, thanks.

>>10519542
You never escape, bucko.

>you should really be takin voracious notes every meeting, I know I would be in your position
>you guys have it easy now, my first boss used to kick my ass but he .ade me what i am today, he is a true mentor
>they took a chance on us as the underdog firm and theyll be expecting us to go the extra mile, dont bill more than 9 hours a day though
>woah what did you take the lunch train in today (its 805)

>>10519162
>>10519174
>>10519266
>>10519579
Why is he red, though?

>Hello? We have Jack, Jane, and Anon on the line from Chicago. Is anyone else here?
>This is Nancy from LA
>Hi Nancy, do we have anyone else?

...

>Okay, we're going to hang tight for a few minutes while everyone else comes on
*beep* *beep*
>Hello? You're on the line with Jack, Jan-
*beep* *beep*
>Hi, I heard someone new just joined. We have Jack, Jane, Anon, and Nancy already. Its 10 o'clock so we're going to go ahead and get started, if you look at the file I sent out you can see our quarterly performance on a division level as you ca-
*beep* *beep*
>Hi, this Frank and George from Kansas City, sorry we're late, what did we miss?

>>10519542
>Why does it perpetuate everywhere?
it's the boomer way of saying "I need you to spend time on this, but don't spend time on this because I know you're busy but please do it and if your other stuff gets pushed it's your fault for spending too much time"

I get
>don't put too many strokes behind it
>this is important though.

>>10519679
it's a forced meme

>>10519679
Because he's about to shoot the place up

>>10519203
no, mid to high level analysts are the ones choosing the numbers and they present it to leadership. the pic would be a low level worker bee analyst getting shit on, but they don't work on anything important enough to keep them past 5-6pm.

>>10519504

I am in absolute fucking tears right now.

>>10519542
it comes from "project management professionals"

Bump because it's too funny to die so young

>>10519723

I based the greentext off a story from my first post-college job at a company with a really decentralized FP&A structure and several unfilled Finance positions in regional managment. As an entry level analyst the reporting structure while I was there went from Me -> Regional FP&A Director -> Regional President. It was a perfect storm that allowed for the great combination of "low level analyst getting fucked around" & "having high impact projects that you need to stay into the night for"

>DROP ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING YOUR FUCKING DOING AND RUSH THIS PROJECT THE CLIENT NEEDS IT IN A MATTER OF FUCKING SECONDS. THIS IS REAL SHIT
>send client proof
>client doesn't respond for 2 weeks

>>10519188
It's for Tempura House. It's a shelter for lightly battered women.

>>10519871
>waiting on deliverables from another department (that always take the same amount of time to get) in order to finish a project, make sure my estimated completion date is well-communicated to all stakeholders
>business planning/scheduling department re-prioritizes my project with a due date three to four days prior to the earliest possible date of completion

>>10519871
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE this happens all the time at work. its fucked up. always demanding shit be done straight away despite the client not wanting it for weeks

>>10519871
>always get 10+ urgent emails from the client as soon as I get to work
>somehow they think I'm the main point of contact
>hey anon, the client wants your personal phone number just in case any issues happen overnight
I said no but it still irritated me

Man I’m having some nightmare flashbacks from my time in mgmt consulting

>>10519961
Reading this thread makes my stomach hurt by jogging my memory. Is this corporate PTSD?

>>10519861
yes, that happens with high achievers. for me it was worth taking the shit in the end.

>Unironically working a consulting gig

You fuckers need out

>>10519932

>Work as an Operations Research Analyst attached to a data processing group
>Have a grab bag of KPIs we track & submit for monthly operational reviews, some of which are dependent on having Month End Actuals from Finance
>New Analytics Manager takes over operational metrics consolidation
>Requires everyone to submit the financial metrics on the second business day of the month - three days before books close

ffs

>>10519504
top kek

>>10519322
oh I forgot to tell you the meeting got moved to next week so we can look at it again later

>>10519579
Ranch. Or cool ranch?

I haven't worked one of these jobs, but Fresco fills me with the absolute worst existential dread I have ever felt.

>>10520138

>But don't worry we'll be able to drill down into the data and extract actionable insights to leverage towards forward progress for our deliverables

so what's Wagie Pepe's name?

>hey anon, I think the numbers are not matching up in the new project. I know it's 40 pages worth of calculations, but could you redo them all for me? We need them all by monday, sorry for ruining your weekend, you're the best Anon!

>>10520207
Fresco hits existentially deep for nu-boomer yuppies working in white collar jobs

>>10520337
Raul. I think his happy demeanor and firey interior deserve Latin flair.

>>10520361
is this a "trips decide" type situation?

>>10520406
Trips is Raul

>>10520406
Or Dylan

>>10519245

>Hey anon did you check these figures before sending them over?

>>10519916
Underrated

>>10519693
Stop

>>10519363
Literally 20 minutes of my time, you really need to stop stressing about meaningless things.
>>10519578
>Not using a command to do this
:/
>>10519871
You would have still done the work, no point in getting mad over it.
>>10520352
Just listen to an audiobook while you do it.

Stop stressing over things, literally just do them. If you let stress seep in its only going to consume you.
It is cheesy but having your mind in a good state makes your job faster and easier.

Thank God I work in a bar and make 50 grand a year untaxed.

Roasties whenever I need em
Cheap liquor
Never deal with traffic
If someone crosses the line me and the security staff beat you to a pulp.
Fuck yeah I love my job.

>>10519693
>is Guy online?
>it's pretty early there, let's just hold on for a few minutes
>Guy can you hear us?
>oh he just slacked, he can hear us
>We can't hear you Guy, can you hear us?

>>10520544
>50k
Well at least you are happy.

Time for the daily grind

>>10520523
Yes goyi-... fellow workers, never question shit work practices, just pull yourself by the bootstraps and you will climb the company ranks in no time, well that is if your job doesnt get outsourced to pajeets that will take half your pay or automated in the next 10 years

>>10520422
is he an Antonio?

>>10520584
Hey I am not saying the situation is not shit, but some anons are making a storm in a glass of water.
One anon just needed to do an email and pick his shirts, the other anon needed to install an excel plugin to macro replace colors.

You are still going to be in the same shitty situation and dealing with it is our only option, you can either let it consume you or learn to deal with stress situations.

>>10520337
>>10520361
>>10520406
>>10520422
>>10520620

The red frog everyone's posting is Fresco, but he's a white collar go-getter.

Are you thinking of a name for a frog like Pepe whose parents force him into a minimum wagecuck job? That sounds like Miguel.

>>10520634
Some people deal with it by venting on Ethiopian dust-gathering boards. Others do so by being a fucking colossal faggot

>>10520570
Yeah, I'm taking that home. Faggots who bring home 70k probably only get 50k once uncle sam had his way. And I only work 4 days a week. And hilariously I think I average maybe 24 to 28 hours a week. Lmao

>>10520523
Cuckold

this is the worst forced meme on biz. neck yourself op.

>>10520699
Venting is fine, but letting anger take control instead of finding simple answers to your problems is not.
>>10520737
That is ultimately my thought process, I only want to be a little bit happier, there is nothing wrong with that.
>>10520745
Fresco is funny tho.

>>10520775
You seem to have all the answers. Remember that one really bad thing you did? That thing you remember from time to time, the one that makes your skin crawl, that sends you reeling into existential horror? Why don't you stew on that one for a bit? It might do you some good.

>>10520745

Fresco wasn't even the point of the thread you massive faggot.

>>10519693
literally /thread

>>10520807
I am not pretending I have all the answers, but I have the right mentality.

>Hey anon we need you to move this process our sister company uses over to our tools
>Yes we know tool isn't actually rated to match the process requirements, but I'm sure you can figure it out

...

>Hey so great job cheating physics and getting that process working, however we've been seeing this defect related to running the tool past its theoretical limit we need you to fix
>No we don't have any reliable way of detecting it post process, also we have 0% tolerance so you'll just have to make sure it can't happen
>Oh no the sister company didn't have any controls either, the process wasn't expected to shift when they designed it so they never set anything up

I wish I was joking

>>10520870
>>10520775
>>10520634
>>10520570
>>10520523
Stop being a fucking faggot and not ruin the thread please

Trips it's Soulja Boy

>>10519504
Holy fucking shit

>>10520024
literally getting PTSD from this thread. zero humor but fascinated i subject myself to such hell

>>10520915
I was just trying to help, i apologize

>>/biz/thread/S3389211

>>10520981
Damn right you're sorry. Fuckin nerd

>>10520874
Dude...

>>10521020
>Fuckin nerd
made me pull a chub, i love being called nerd

>>10519504
>Hey Anons, I agree with your views, but let's not reinvent the wheel here
>I think we need to step back and look at the bigger picture for a second
>We need a tactical approach to resolve this situation
>Let's connect after lunch to brainstorm possible solutions

>>10520989

>>10519504
THIS IS LITERALLY MY LIFE EVERY DAY

I DONT WANNA BE A CONSULTANT ANYMORREEEEEEE

>>10521111
But Mergers and Inquisitions told me banking and consulting were the only ways to get muh prestige

>>10521100
L-lewd

>>10520979
It’s a pretty funny thread

>>10521111
Quads of truth

>>10519542
MBAs are all taught to speak the same language. This is further perpetuated by lower level project managers and PMPs.

>>10521104
>let’s touch base after a quick break and discuss our alignment within the organization
>we can discuss it offline and really nail down the low-hanging fruit
>I’d like to get an idea of your bandwidth for next week as Bob is going to be out of town in Hawaii, could you circle back on those reports we talked about last week?
>we’re gonna have to deep dive on this one while we get our ducks in a row addressing the elephant in the room
>we’re gonna have to hit the ground running to make sure our best practices align with thinking outside the box

>>10521223
Why the fuck are MBAs so well thought of

It's literally a 100k business day care centre for 30yos, they show them some shit like stock exchanges and give them high level info about business topics with no useful depth or experience

Then they go into banks and don't know how to do anything

I don't get it

Why do all of these bullshit "Analyst" jobs even exist? You can write software to do this shit.

>>10519162
That mug is funny. Why have I never seen one before? Oh that's right I'm a worthless neet.

>>10519162
i love the hand on desk power play by boss pepe :)

>>10521304

Useless make-work

>>10521304

Specific Business Requirements change *relatively* quickly in *relatively* unpredictable ways. There are more business processes that aren't subject to constant fluctuation than there are developers to automate all the processes, so it isn't surprising that there's a market for people that are able to come up with relatively efficient ad-hoc solutions that don't require coding on a dime. Most corporate BA work is bitching about how IT wont automate the ad-hoc processes you built.

>>10521223
The alternative is much worse
>Silicon Valley
>none of your coworkers can even speak English well enough to rattle off jargon
>in fact, they are all subhuman garbage brought over here to undercut the value of the intellectual labor produced by youself and your countrymen
>this dreamscape of decades of unprecedented technological innovation and the highest concentration of the brightest minds over the entirety of human existence--this cradle of the best ideas ever produced, the delicate sprouting seed of a spacefaring civilization
>all of it being raped, destroyed, the scrap IP sold off to China, because finance and HR wanted to save a dime on payroll
But those earnings reports, right, heh

Learn the sheet and make it look like you spent hours when it only took a minute.

>>10521347

>>>/pol/

The pajeet's kids are effectively going to be white since they were raised to actually value hard work & understand that life isn't going to be handed to them on a silver platter.

>tfw too autistic to ever work white collar

I'm glad I work in a shitty warehouse. I'm going full blue collar and will go to trade school this year. All the people who work blue collar are the most honest people and don't have any bullshit lingo or weird cultish behavior like you white collar wagekeks

>>10521304
Automation is great for repetitive processes that don't require human creativity

Some analyst bitchwork falls under this category, but not all unfortunately

I always feel good for having a good for nothing job at the national railway, spending more than half of my day watching Netflix browsing the chans and smoking sigs waiting in the car for 1hour to get a 5 minute repair done.

I make under the national average though...

>>10521379
You dumb fuck blue collar lingo and cultish behavior is the 30 year old boomer precisely

>>10521418

Nah we just talk like that naturally. People who do blue collar are there to get shit done and work hard. White collar seems like it would give you ptsd after some time

>>10521371
Your one sentence is not going to change millenia of divergent genetic inheritance, culture, and development, and it's not going to influence my intimate perspective on the matter. If it were so easy, they'd have just conditioned white people to have more kids and tolerate being paid less

>>10521442
Please don't kid yourself. Are you 20yo? I'm blue collar and 26(3rd year programming student tho, slow but steady ;)), I reckon it's a fun job and I have a laugh since my back and knees are alright. Then I take a look on my older boomer colleagues who walks like someone just fucked them in the ass(kneecaps), while they complain about back issues.
Blue collar is definitely better than service jobs as waiter or salesman as you at least don't have to look like a white collar person using half hour or even more at getting ready for work just to receive a sub-blue collar sallery.

>>10521443

Aren't Indians traditionally included in the "Asiatic" segment of the bell curve, which has a generally higher IQ distribution than the Caucasian segment of the bell curve?

>>10521157

>>10521495
Right-shifted hump, thinner tails, to both the left and right. You must understand the significance in the distinction, don't you?

>>10521495
dunno, but cheating is fair play there so I'' take it with a grain of salt.

>>10521497
Pretty cute desu

>>10521497
>Implying I am not getting off to the fact that there is another male at the other side of the screen

>>10521473

Unironically a 30 yo boomer. No physical issues so far. I practice stretched daily and yoga on off days. Also eat pretty healthy compared to other people I work with.

>>10521602
>stretch and yoga

Bahahahahahaahhahahhahahahahhahahahahhahahaha what is this faggotry

>>10519693
I love video conferences. Small team, cosy private room and some tea and biscuits. They're always comfy.

>>10521379
>most honest people
Kek

>>10519504
I needed you in my life

>>10519504

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMERS

>>10522995
That pic is pure cringe

>>10519693
This kek

>>10521286
Nobody talks like that.

>We’re up poop creek in a turd canoe with a dookie paddle that’s got feces smeared on the part where you put your hand.

>>10519504
AAAAAAAAA NO I DONT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS NOOOOOOOOOO

>>10519504
This gave me a very irritating flashback.
I am so glad that I am no longer a office cuck wagie.

>Walk into the office an hour late, hungover
>Get in the elevator
>The only other person on the elevator is the fucking CEO

Uhh... Hi Mr. *hic* Neidorff. Are we buying any new Health Plans today?

>>10520544
lol you're gonna beat up the wrong drunk one day and get killed fagboi

>>10520634
These scenarios are supposed to motivate people to start their own businesses and invest wisely so they don't have to work for someone else. You have a slave mentality, I haven't worked a normal job since 2004 and I don't intend to again

Apparently I am so fucking used to listening to this kind of bulshit that it wasn't anoying for me anymore until I read this entirely thread
Feels bad.

>>10520874
Chemical engineering? This is what I face every day

>>10524364

I miss going to work hungover or still drunk from last night, fun times.

>>10521347
Half the code on websites only work correctly in Chrome because some small dick 3rd world pajeet has the coding capabilities of a high school senior

>>10519162

Holy fucking shit this is exactly what I do. Kill me.

>>10525235
>Chemical engineering? This is what I face every day
not OP, but i nearly went into chemical engineering until i realised that performing miracles everyday was basically part of the job description. interesting field, but i'd only do it if i was safely ensconced in an academic setting, definitely not industry.

>>10519861

Yep, I'm working in FP&A too as my second job. I've put together so many reports and decks so far that I want to blow my god damn brains out.

Please tell me it gets better. 26 year old boomer.

>>10525766

Move to Data Analytics. It still has the deck building stupidity & retardation, but it doesn't have any of the finance bullshit & everyone is a lot more laid back.

>>10520745
Fuck you this is better than that fucking boomer meme.

>>10522998
You are pure cringe >:( Stupid rudeposter

>>10525432

I was always miserable when I did it.

What will my life look like as an accountant? I dont want to work at a place with long hours.

>>10526960
>I dont want to work at a place with long hours.
this is almost every modern wagecuck job, 10-12 hours daily. no escape

>interning as an analyst
>feel good about manager ""giving me extra responsibilities"" to tweak decks etc
>read this thread
Fuck

>>10521304
Boomers dont understand/are afraid of technology.

>>10525766

I wouldn't recommend staying in FP&A. The monthly cycle bullshit gets really annoying. That said, a year or two in FP&A endows you with enough weaponized autism that you can derail any presentation that contains numbers. I killed a Vendor's sales presentation by pointing out that their numbers were made up and inconsistent across the deck.

>"Hey man I know it's Friday afternoon and all but I really need this 40-page translation first thing Monday!"
a month later
>"Can you send a new Wetransfer link for that 50-page translation? The old one expired and I never got the chance to download it."

idgaf though, I'm freelance and get paid weekend money regardless.

>Hey there Anon, I know you have a lot on your plate and don't usually handle this kind of thing, but can you take a look at it? I asked Jim but he had to take his kid to a mongolian basketweaving recital.
>If there's a problem just talk to Bob, he's the one normally doing this.
>Oh, Bob's busy? Just do your best then, we really need this done before the meeting.
>Anon, I can't help you with this one, we're really strapped for manpower right now. If you have a roadblock you're just going to have to work it out.
>Anon, why are the slides not finished? You should have escalated this issue sooner, this is going to really put us behind. You should've just talked to Bob!

>>10519504
this is amazing, (You)'ve earned this

you know you can just become a bum and live scrapping scrap if that's what u desire. Trust me soon you'll long for that comfy little office job with AC

Yeah, sorry. Work at a bank AND have an MBA, never have to deal with this shit. Only time I ran into it was working alongside a small business owner for my first gig. Fuck that, corporate > small biz meme all the way.

>>10525716
>ensconced
huh never heaerd of that word thanks, anon

>>10520523
>Not using a command to do this
You know what, you are absolutely right. It's not like it's hard to do things, I think the problem that really gets under people's skins is the unquestioning of orders that are going to get revised but you're supposed to not even argue because time arguing is time not working. The captain of the thing is a perfectionist but he's almost in a different boat, he's just shouting orders kind of thing. But I think we also have to concede that for some people following routine work is easy and even satisfying.

>>10527979

If I ever become homeless I'm going to keep my suits, hang out in a downtown city center & feed myself by raiding the professional summit/convention buffets at the nice hotels.

>>10528754
Unironically, I work as the breakfast host at a Hilton.

you dont own nothing goyim

19yo European zoomer here
what is Fresco?
what is an analyst?

>>10519693
this is so accurate to me it hurt to read

>>10528871
why are your scrambled eggs so bad?

>>10519504
>>10521111
>>10519162

My life as a strategy consultant right now to the tee