/biz/ - Business & Finance

Whenever I get a package of Starbursts, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold Starburst trials.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them compresses ans squishes. That is the "loser", and I eat the inferior one immediately.
The winner gets to go another round

I have found that in general, the cherry and lemon Starbursts are tougher, and the orange ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the orange Starbursts as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or harder, or stickier than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When i reach the end of the pack, I am left with one Starburst, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to Wm. Wrigley Jr Company P.O. BOX 3900 Peoria, IL 61614, along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this Starburst for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and send me a coupon for a free 3 pound bag of Starbursts. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.