/biz/ - Business & Finance

"I hate the smell of chaos in the morning". That's what I thought to myself as I strode across the floor of the stock exchange. Panicked traders huddled in the corners. Ripped pieces of paper showing unbelievable losses. A man pleading with his female broker to give him a few more minutes before she margin called him - he'd be in the green by then, he said (fat chance of that).

It wasn't a normal scenario. But then again, I'm not a normal investor. The name's Slurper. Dip Slurper. Everyone's got a role to play in this market, and for me it's buying. Stocks, Bonds, Commodities, Female Rejuvenation Gel (that's what I call it in front of the skirts anyways). You name it, I've probably bought it. And right now I was on the tail of a hot case.

The dame's name was oil. Quite the slippery character judging by her rap sheet. The guy who called me said she pinned him down and forced him to take physical delivery, leaving only a $20 bill as evidence - but the statue of limitations on that case was up, so I needed some dirt to put her away for a longgg time (in my portfolio, that is). Thumbing past the back-of-the envelope DCF calculation in my notebook, I turned to a page noting the evidence I had so far. Demand destruction in the 3rd world. Fears of an incoming recession. Cheap Russian oil selling at pennies on the dollar to China and Inda. I smiled. I'd seen stories like this before, and I know how they end. And how people think they end. From the looks of it I'd be in this one for the long haul. "Let's get to the bottom of this" I said to nobody in particular, then turned on my heel and made for the trading desk.

From the moment she came into view, I knew she was trouble. Her plunging red candles showed more than a glimpse of swollen inflation numbers, a quick glance lower showing a swaying support ready to turn into a smothering overhead resistance. Throw in an unruly sentiment [consumer sentiment, that is] and you've got something that would lead even the strongest willed of men to a quick capitulation.

She wasn't an ordinary market correction. But then again, I'm not an ordinary investor. The name's Slurper. Dip Slurper. Everyone has their role to play in this market, and for me, that role is buying. When retail, institutions, even the Fed turn their back on you, I'm the man you can count on - for the right price, of course. Judging by the looks of this broad [market drawdown, that is], I was going to have my hands full for a long time. Old Man Powell sure is letting a lot slip through the cracks lately (not that I'm surprised - that bastard's been flaky ever since the Rape Hike Incident in '21).

One thing's for sure - I'm going to get to the bottom of this situation, in one way or another.